Struggling to cope after Dad’s aggressive cancer diagnosis- what to do?

[Croissant26]

Hi, my lovely Dad has just been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and I feel absolutely devasted and like my world has shattered. He is the nicest, kindest man you could ever meet and was in such good health before this and at 75 he is fitter and more active than me. I am so gutted for him that this happened can't believe how normal life was a few weeks ago.

He had an operation last week and it was so awful seeing him in hospital even though this is just the start of the process, with chemo and further major surgery to follow.

My DM is also in poor health and I don't know how she is going to cope with this, physically and mentally.

I've no idea what to do and I keep crying every time I look at my Dad as I can't bear him suffering. He loves gardening and even looking at the spring flowers that he planted opening up is making me cry uncontrollably but I need to keep it together so I can support both parents. Am staying with them at the moment to help in the house.

How do people get through this as it is just awful?

My Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer in the September and passed away in the January just over 2 years ago. It took our breath away and his decline was rapid. I tried to cut back as much of work as I was able to (own business) to spend a lot of time looking after him. If you're able to, look at taking some annual leave or ask for compassionate leave if that's an option - I was struggling to keep my head above water in truth.

Honestly, I'd make the most of every day you have - he may get well again, he may not and that will change from day to day. There are many bad days with cancer and few good, in honesty. And look after yourself - take a good multivitamin supplement so you don't get run down/unwell yourself and if you can't eat well, drink lots of fluids. And it's perfectly OK to cry - don't bottle it in, otherwise it'll explode back out when you're least expecting it (trust me on that one!). I'm so sorry you're all going through this

I am so sorry this is happening to you. This was me, 2 years ago. I am usually the broad shoulders that carry the weight of the world, but trying to cope alone almost broke me. Have a think about your support networks and what helps you feel joy and calm, even for 20 minutes. Have you considered whether counselling might help you? I was reluctant but it did help me to process my feelings and how to express them better to others, including how to ask for help.

Your dad sounds lovely. Don’t give more than you have, he wouldn’t want that for you 💐

I'm so sorry to hear this💐
My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer back in December 2008. It was a very sudden diagnosis as he was fit and felt well at the time. He had chemo but sadly died in September 2009.
It was such a whirlwind at the time and very difficult. I must admit I didn't really start to process it all until after his funeral as I just didn't have the time or headspace to do so until then.
For me I found that time was a great healer. Grief came and went. My mum didn't cope at all well with his death so I had to be around a lot more for her and support her. It's hard and I feel for you and your family.

Are there any other siblings or grandchildren that can help you with them during this difficult time?

Thank you for your reply and I'm so sorry about your Dad. I also work for myself so am able to scale back. Really struggling to eat at the moment as have zero appetite but need to stay strong so I can support both parents.

Nope, I am an only child and don't have children myself (no partner either). It is all on me.

My son was diagnosed with also an aggressive cancer 2 years ago and honestly, I look back and wonder how I got through it. You just do, somehow.

Hold on to the fact that they believe he is able to tolerate surgery and chemo and he will get the best possible chance to hopefully beat this.

Thank you and so sorry that you have also ben through this, I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. My support network is practically zero- only child, no partner or children, no cousins in this country so hardly know them. I am thinking about getting some counselling for both myself and Mum, so it's good to hear that it might help in this sort of situation.

Thanks for replying- I am so sorry about your Dad. The diagnosis has been so sudden and unexpected, as he was literally fine a few weeks ago. Went to the doctor with a symptom that we thought would be explained by something minor.

Try to keep positive and strong for your dad, take him some pictures of his spring garden if you think it might cheer him up.

I'm so sorry OP. My Dad had pancreatic cancer and deteriorated very rapidly sadly. It was a long time ago now (he was in his 50s) but the memories are still vivid. Here's what I would have found helpful to hear:

Spend as much time as you can with him, reminisce, laugh and cry together, and most importantly, say everything you want to say. Be led by how he wants to do this and be a listening ear for him. This is such a precious time with him, and there will be moments of joy in it.

Everyone says don't look too far ahead, it's so hard but it does save being completely overwhelmed by the enormity of what's going on. A day at a time, and when that's unbearable, a minute at a time.

Do you have a hobby that you could do at their house? One that doesn't require much thinking about? I remember knitting endlessly during this time, the repetitive nature of it was very soothing. If you can't sleep, the 'Nothing Much Happens' podcast is gentle, takes your mind away from what's happening but doesn't require concentration.

I'm sorry you're facing this, you will get through it x

It’s raw right now -you’ve been blindsided and the shock will subside gradually. I found reframing the situation as a ‘blessing’ helped a little - the certainty of time being short focuses our relationships… everything becomes bittersweet. Also try to stay in the moment. Imagining what lies ahead is tortuous. As others have said find your support network & give yourself time & space to process this stage of life- it’s very very hard though to watch a much loved parent’s life approach its end. I send you much love xx

Thanks for your reply, I am so sorry about your Dad. Really appreciate your suggestions- I'm really struggling to talk normally to him at the moment but trying not to cry in front of him. I am trying to keep as busy as I can, doing all of the jobs in the house. Hobbies are tricky- mine usually involve museums, theatre, city breaks, basically all outside the house. Can't contemplate doing anything like that now. I think something like knitting or stitching is a good one and Mum used to do a lot of this so has a lot of kit already. At the moment all I'm doing in spare time is reading various cancer patient stories, research into treatments, surgeries and survival statistics. Can't concentrate on anything else and it feels all-consuming.

Something my Dad's palliative care Consultant gently told me was to stop googling, stop researching and accept Dad's journey for what it was. Everyone's cancer journey is unique to their body, and comparing is truly the thief of peace of mind. They were very wise words

My husband went through similar and, as a medic, he knew exactly what the outcome would be in his parent's case. What you do is accept the situation and concentrate on practicalities - get in all the possible services to help them, for instance. Is relevant paperwork up to date? Contact appropriate charities for help and support.

You also spend time away from your parents, back at work and in your own home, because you'll definitely need some normality (and they may want some time to themselves). You'll find that you will toughen up, because there's no alternative.

I’m an only child and my Dad has been diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. I have been finding it extremely hard watching my Dad and also seeing my Mum so sad. There are times I want to be sick or lie down and never get up. I hate seeing my father like this. It burns a hole in my heart. I’m here, you are not alone. It’s been 4 months, but a lifetime really. I can’t remember what it was like before this now. Make sure you sleep, eat well and try and keep some routines of your day, it helps. I don’t have a support network as such. I have a husband and kids, but I need to try and keep going for them. Reduce your workload and try and do something small related to your hobby once a week.

I hope your Mum can get back into knitting

So sorry you are also going through this- it's so, so awful isn't it. You've summed up a lot of how I feel too- I can't imagine what life was like before this. It feels surreal that life was so good only a few weeks ago and I can't believe the little things I used to get stressed and worry about before this. All the best to you and your family.

If you ever need to talk, please talk to us. I don’t have many people in real life that get it. I’m even finding Easter a bit hard and it’s really hard knowing it is my Dad’s birthday in a few weeks and that he isn’t well

Hi, likewise, please do send a PM if ever you'd like to talk to a stranger! I haven't been able to discuss this with anyone in real life yet, not that I have many friends really. I hope your Easter weekend has been ok despite everything.

OP I would echo @MrsLizzieDarcy@MrsLizzieDarcy
up thread to avoid googling and social media stories.

I'm currently being treated for an aggressive form of cancer which came completely out of the blue and almost the first thing my consultant said to me was to stay away from internet searches. I only get information from my medical team and a couple of cancer charities.

Every journey is individual and reading statistics is unhelpful as your DF might buck the trend. This was so important for me as my Dad and my Grandfather died from the form of cancer I've got so I initially feared the worst. All you can do is take it one day at a time and appreciate small moments of joy to keep going.

My Mum was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer in January 2025 and died in June 2025 - she was a hoarder and despite working full time and living an hour away from her house - my sisters and I had to deal with seeing her, decluttering her council house, re-homing her cat, selling her car and dealing with the care home (she burnt through most of her savings).

My personal opinion - The cancer charities and hospices were absolutely useless. My mum had the "wrong type of cancer" so none of them could help and we tried a lot - we also tried to get guidance and support from a few cancer charities but got very little response.

The hospital didn't care - apart from getting the bed back - they kept asking my mum every day (as soon as she was diagnosed as terminal) if she'd "found somewhere to go" and the pressure was on us to visit a lot of care homes and find one that we thought she'd like, organise a private ambulance to transport her etc..

I found I was grieving her even though she was still with us. I would burst into tears, get very sad - I was grateful that my work said "Do whatever you need to do". I work in a very Senior Position and was grateful I could block out half a day at a time to visit her in the care home and just "be" with her.

I recorded our conversations - she didn't know. It wasn't anything bad or for any other reason that I wanted to remember her voice. Since she died I've listened to the conversations and I'm so glad I did that. Equally - I asked her questions that I wanted to know the answer to.... About how she met my Dad.... Her childhood (she was adopted).... How each of my sisters and I were born.... Her favourite colour - just "stuff".

I became exhausted after driving a two hour round trip to see her multiple times per week and working full time. I don't have kids but two of my other sisters do - one sister was signed off with stress as her job was less supportive and she couldn't cope - so.... Try and ensure you practice self care. You can't pour from an empty cup and if friends offer to help - take it if you need to - be honest with how you're feeling and try not to push yourself too much. I stopped seeing friends and felt so guilty - but my "real friends" had no issue at all, totally understood and I am so grateful they understood I had no energy to see them and be "normal"

The Doctors never told us how much time we would have - I think my Mum actually "gave up" when she had her diagnosis and never left her bed for the last 6 months of her life. On the other hand - one of my sisters Husbands Grandad also had terminal bowel cancer - he's still living his life 2 years later, playing tennis, going out for meals despite a stoma. So whilst your time may be limited - it isn't necessarily short.

Best wishes to you and your Dad. I really hope the treatment helps him.

OP, how is your Dad going? How is your Mum?

Hi, my Dad is being quite stoic about it (not sure if that's the right word) and seems to have recovered from the surgery last week ok. He is supposed to be taking it easy, not bending etc...but is not listening to us and carrying on as usual. This is why it's so hard to believe as to look at him at the moment, he seems fine but inside his body it is a very different story. I guess he just wants to keep going for now as when the chemo starts it will be difficult. Mum is in a very bad way, her health wasn't great before this and it is worse now. How are things with your family?

I am so pleased that your Dad is recovering from surgery well and is able to undertake his normal activities. He sounds lovely. I think it is great e is trying to keep things as normal as possible. That might help your Mum too. It must be awful seeing your Mum like this, she just really love him and if she wasn’t in the best health before this would take the wind out of her.

Dad isn’t doing too well. I hope you don’t mind me posting. I’m a bit negative. He has had one course of immunotherapy, but they don’t know if it’s that or the cancer (we think it’s the cancer) that has knocked him for six. He finds it very hard to do his normal activities, even popping down to the local shop for some milk is really difficult. We got him a shower chair. He likes that. But it is so sad seeing him weak. Sometimes I’m talking to him and I have to look away. Maybe that’s weak on my part. I just get so scared. Mum is trying her best to stay strong, but it has physically and emotionally really weakened her and I can see how sometimes partners go quickly after one goes.

Anyway I’m sorry for the long and not very positive post. Just remember your Dad is unique and he might tolerate it all quite well