Wondering whether to leave a 30yr + relationship due to conflicting values. Other perspectives appreciated..

[Greentea4]

I have a friend of over 30 years. She has always been very opinionated and I have always been a bit guarded about what I say as she can be abrupt..she doesn't mince her words.. She is quite fierce verbally.

There was one incident in my 20's where we both got into a situation and she left to protect herself and left me too it and vulnerable . I was a bit shocked as my first thought would be to protect us both, but I forgave her and it wasn't mentioned.

Recently she told me that she was having a relationship with one of her closest friends partner. She wanted him to leave her friend. He didn't leave and it ended. She was very negative about her friend to me. She was quite bitter and she continues to see this friend as friend is not aware. I struggle with this betrayal.

I am now questioning this friendship as she seems to be quite disloyal as a friend. I really value loyalty and trust and I have distanced myself recently due to being so disappointed in her behaviour. Plus realising that she would be able to do this to me as this is her character..

Would appreciate other opinions of what I could do. I value loyalty so struggle with the idea of not accepting her for who she is and leaving a 30yr plus relationship.

I think I'd slowly phase the friendship out. Does she bring anything positive to your life?

She isn’t who you think she is.
If she’s told you this….. what hasn’t she told you
I would distance myself in the knowledge that she’s pretending to be someone she’s not

She shagged her friends husband? Christ, what else do you need her to do? You say you value loyalty, she clearly does not. I would not continue a friendship with this person.

I think people can do one-off stupid things in their 20s - but her most recent behaviour would honestly make me see her in a different light. Not only did she have no compunction about betraying her friend by cheating with their partner, she demanded that they leave that friend? That's supreme arrogance and also the hypocrisy of continuing to see that friend - and pretend to BE their friend - would be something I couldn't get past. If their moral compass no longer matches yours then I would have no compunction in calling time on the relationship and telling them why. If she can do it to that friend she can do it to anyone, she just sounds out for herself to be frank. Who needs that in a friendship?

Thanks for replies so far. She does bring friendship, humour and fun sometimes. Plus a friend to confide in. Though a lot of the time I don't agree with her perspectives anymore as she has become judgemental, angry and has now got depression. She is single and sometimes has relationships but sees a lot of red flags in others!

I wouldn't confide in someone so two-faced. I really wouldn't. She sounds like because she's alone she's turned into a mean girl - out for herself, not for anyone else. Are you not close to the friend she has done the dirty on? Honestly if one of my friends cheated with another friend's partner either she would be telling them or I would. I would give her the chance/option first - but buggered if I am going to stand by and let all of this cruelty and deception go on behind the back of someone that I considered a friend. I couldn't do that to a mutual friend. It would make me complicit.

She is not a mutual friend
.I know of her but not a friend. I agree that would have put me in a very difficult position.

Fair enough, yes it totally would have. Either way all of this paints your friend in such an awful light. I would be looking to at the very least cool it for some time, I really would.

Thanks for your input. When someone has been in your life for such a long time they become like family. Even though they aren't behaving well then you still feel compassion and love for them.

Love for sure, I think my compassion would be running out. But I get it, I have had to cut people out of my life who I have known for an age because they've suddenly behaved so badly. I've always told them why. Two of three I am friends with again. I'm not perfect either, I muck up, but there's mucking up and there is deliberately behaving with contempt for other people which is a whole other thing.

You sound quite scared of this fierce, opinionated and abrupt person - she sounds tiresome. How long you have been in each others lives is irrelevant especially if you feel trapped by FOG (fear obligation guilt).

I would phase her out in different ways over a time period. Detach from her in your head - she is not someone you admire or can trust. Keep an arms length relationship to start, put her on an information diet, have less meet ups and different types.

Use your freed up time and headspace to nurture other friendships or yourself.

Your gut has shifted - pay attention to it.

Thank you so much for this. I agree with everything you said. It's given me a way forward for sure.