Anyone else the one who always suggests or arranges family get togethers? Fed up and, TBH, sad

[catonthebeds]

Not really sure the point of this just to vent really, without moaning to any of the people involved.

I'm the youngest of four siblings, quite a big gap between me and the next. We all have kids, at least two each, and I would describe us as a pretty close family, lots of holidays together and would see each other a few times a year while all the kids were little. Often it would be my mum suggesting the get together dates, but as she is getting older or has decided she can't be bothered (not sure which is more relevant) , it is me suggesting dates and being asked to organise holidays. My nieces and nephews are older, several at or past uni, so I do get that large family days out are trickier and not a priority for my siblings anymore. With my kids being younger I would still love to see family and cousins (some are same age as mine) at least at Christmas and Easter. Tried to suggest a catch up this Easter and only one of them replied. Id suggested meeting in a city which is about an hour away from each of us, the usual place we meet. Obviously its not a big problem if people don't want to meet, but it's hurtful even so.

On my husband's side it's just one sibling, and again I would have described us as close - we've been together over 20 years so I feel like his sister and her husband are like my own siblings. Again we've had holidays together and used to see each other a fair bit when they lived closet. Now they are further away and we seek them maybe once or twice a year and again it is usually us suggesting any get together dates. I've just learned that my mother in law is going up to their house for Easter and we weren't invited. On previous years we have been, so I'm not sure why we haven't been. It's obviously my SiLs choice and perfectly reasonable to invite whoever she wants or doesn't want, but I'm hurt anyway.

Combined with my own siblings seeming increasingly distant - which again I know is their choice and just how life is - I feel a bit sad overall, like I always make an effort but maybe no one actually wants me to? I have no reason to think I've upset or offended any of them, so I'm thinking it's just stages of life, and I guess I need to make peace with that

When you are together how is it? How much younger are your dc? Are catch ups dominated by them?

Honestly, OP, you just want the visits, contact, shared holidays etc more than they do at the moment. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that. And yes, as the parent of a teenager, who.e family days out visiting family with younger kids are less appealing to the teen.

No I don't think my kids dominate - my older ones overlap with similar ages to some of the other cousins and then my youngest is few years younger. It's a big group so no one really dominates.

When were together I think mostly people enjoy each others company. Some people do find it harder, especially there is some tension with a few people and my mum. Its not major arguments but I can see why it would make some families less keen to spend a long time with the whole group of that makes sense. Then obviously if your kids are now young adults they and you have different priorities for bank holidays etc. I feel like I understand why people are drawing away, but it still hurts.

Yeah I get this. I'm just processing it I guess, it has taken me a few times like this to realise what's happening. I'm not sure whether to just stop making an effort or accept that it'll be a bit painful for meeach time but worth it to see one or two people anyway

Sorry, Op but there does often come a time when things shift and family get togethers change or pretty much stop altogether. Eventually at least some of your nieces and nephews will have partners/ families of their own and have their own get togethers and don’t always include cousins, aunts/ uncles. How many people as adults are close with their cousins? It’s a process that takes years but it’s the beginning of the shift.
My mil used to arrange family get togethers regularly but she gave up just before COVID because she felt nobody was very enthusiastic anymore. The truth was some of her own siblings had sadly died, or their spouses had, and the “kids” were now grown up and barely knew one another and their partners and kids didn’t know each other at all.
My own family is similar. My mam tried to do a party at her house for my fortieth/ her sixtieth and it kind of fell on its face. The kids (second cousins?) enjoyed playing together but they don’t know each other. They don’t live near each other. I don’t get on with my cousins as adults and we never see each other. I don’t feel much connection to my aunts and uncles now but they were very much in our lives when I was young.
I think it took a few years for everyone to adjust and to realise that my parents are now the grandparents. My sisters don’t have kids and only one has a partner and so there’s only my dc and that’s why it feels different but the occasions when we get together are family get togethers - it’s just the next generation.
I think you are at the very beginning of this shift and it is disconcerting. I went through the last few years of get togethers with my extended family feeling unaccountably sad. Eventually I put my finger on what was making me sad. It was just the end of an era for us. Now we have all moved on.
People are having fewer kids these days and I think a lot of people get into their forties/ fifties and so on and begin to realise that there are a lot fewer people around them than their parents would have had at that age. I find it helps to build your own little community. Sometimes those relationships can be even stronger than just being related.

In your shoes I would decide entirely on whether you enjoy the visits you arrange. If you do, keep arranging them.

Couldn't you pare down the family visits, so that you don't invite everyone but just invite one of your siblings, plus family, on one occasion, and then, another time, invite a different sibling, etc etc?

I don’t think you can insist on family get togethers when you aren’t the one doing the hosting, or asking people to pay for a holiday or a day out for you to see them. How often do you invite everyone for a BBQ or Sunday lunch that you host and pay for?

How often do I suggest family get togethers? Just about never. How often do they get suggested by family to be held at my house with me doing all the work and paying for all the food? About 4-6 times a year. 🙄

I personally would not go on holiday with any of my family. But I’d love a roast a few times a year if someone invited me. No annual leave, no £100 days out, just a casual lunch for a few hours. Have you tried that?

I never suggest family get togethers because I don't like them. I feel obliged to participate but I would rather not. We are all different @catonthebeds so maybe try getting friends together instead of family? Or see family members at different occasions? I am all for seeing family members separetely I just hate it when they are all together because the dynamics are weird.

thanks all some helpful suggestions and perspectives. I do offer to host at ours, but it makes it quite far for some of the family hence a central point is usually the best. But yeah it's just the natural end of an era I think, and I need to adjust to that. It's bringing up various things that I felt about being the youngest/left out as a child, so I need to separate that from what is actually happening now, and not let it become something more than it is. Good idea to try and arrange some meet ups with just one of my siblings plus family.

Don't bother and see what happens.