Autistic woman trying to understand friendships after inheriting money

[NimbleAzureViewer]

I’m an autistic woman and I sometimes struggle to read people’s intentions or pick up on subtle social cues.
I recently inherited a small amount of money, and I’ve noticed a shift in how some of my peers interact with me. Some seem slightly uncomfortable or possibly envious, but it’s hard for me to tell what’s actually going on vs what I might be misinterpreting.
For example, I didn’t buy souvenirs for people after a trip and got called “stingy”. someone else told me that when I talk about things I’m buying (like a house), it makes them feel insecure because they can’t afford the same... after that, that same person started avoiding me!!

That’s made me question whether expectations and dynamics have changed now that people know I have money.
I’m trying to understand how people with more money build genuine friendships rather than relationships that are transactional or based on access.

Would appreciate honest perspectives.

The example about house buying is honestly a them problem. And ive rarely brought souvenirs back for friends. However, and I dont know if this is something you have done so apologies if you dont, I dont discuss specifics about finances with friends. And they never ask. Good friends dont get envious about others good fortune. I imagine that goes for wealthy people too.

Generally it's a bad idea to talk about your financial situation. The only time I've heard any of my friends mention inheritance is in the context of buying a house. Figures are never mentioned and it is not "lucky", people would rather have the loved one still with them. Mentioning this is usually enough to close the subject.

Are these people friends or family and how much do they know about how much you have inherited? Would it help to have some ideas of phrases you could use to shut these conversations down?

I think the problem is that you told them.

You don’t talk about things you are buying unless you know for sure the other person or people you are with can afford them as well.

What on earth are you doing telling people your personal financial information?

I recently inherited a bit of money too and I couldn't imagine telling my peers when or how much.

"I’m trying to understand how people with more money build genuine friendships rather than relationships that are transactional or based on access."

^^ They keep their private business to themselves I expect.

Don't talk about money? I have friends with lots of money and friends with none. But it never needs to come up in conversation. Other than moaning about COL which effects everyone.

To be able to cash buy a house because you've inherited money will cause a little jealousy among those who don't have that opportunity. So maybe just don't really make it clear your financial status.

People should be friends with eachother for their personalities, not the contents of their bank account.

How do they know you've inherited money? It's better not to discuss your financial situation.

I inherited money. My friends all know. They’re my friends. Nobody has been weird to me about it. If your friends change because of money they could change due to other good fortune you get. Who needs friends like that?

This. We've never discussed money with anyone.

Part of the problem is probably that you have said ‘small amount of money’ and then bought a house…! That will annoy people who know that one doesn’t only need a small amount of money for a house.

The mistake you’ve made is telling people about your money. It’s ok to talk about money so long as you’re not saying you’ve got some…! Or be careful to only speak about money with people who have a similar amount to you. For instance I’d never speak about wanting to upgrade my house with some I know is saving to buy.

Is it a small amount of money or enough to buy a house? Either way, stop discussing your finances with people, they don’t need to know the details, people are weird about money.

This persons insecurities are their own issue, you’re losing nothing by them avoiding you.

If you do see them again and they bring it up I’d remind them that the inheritance means you’ve had a bereavement, and you’d much rather have the person you’ve inherited from than any amount of money.

The souvenirs thing is silly, nobody buys souvenirs these days do they?

That's true.

No-one's buying a house with a small amount of money unless they happen to be a miniature doll.

Yes the issue here is that you’ve openly talked about money, by the sounds of it with multiple people.

i know some other cultures are different, but if you’re in the UK, it’s considered inappropriate to discuss money/earnings/finances, particularly to mention numbers. It’s for precisely this reason.

I myself wouldn’t talk about how much things cost, with anyone apart from my husband and absolute closest friend who I know is in a similar financial position to me. I absolutely don’t talk about it with anyone I’m aware is more or less well off than me.

How many people know about your inheritance?

Autistic woman too.

Don't talk about money. Buying a house isn't a small amount of money. Don't be dishonest about money if you insist on telling people you are making very large purchases.

Friend who is avoiding you, the friendship is over. Don't waste time on why, you know it is about money. Stop talking about money to your friends.

I play the Sims because I would lose a bedroom if I bought all the miniature houses and contents I want 😂 Sims are cheaper.

This. Just live your life but tell them as little as possible about finances. If you had inherited 100 or 100k someone will say something.

I inherited 90k last year and if people asked, I said £10k. I’m also mortgage free in my 30’s and don’t tell people that either, unless they specially ask. Honestly, a lot of people are envious/jealous (even friends) and it can come off as bragging so it’s best not to mention money I find, especially if you’re from a working class background . Strange but true!

Yes, your mistake was to tell them about the inheritance, and (presumably) how much it was.

I've never had an inheritance as both sets of parents ended up having every penny that they'd saved, plus their homes, go to care fees.
My friend has had three! All substantial given what she and her DH have been able to do with the money.

I don't act differently with them, though I'll admit that I'm envious (they've been able to help their children in a way I'm never going to be able to help mine) and to top it off, they didn't even like the people who left them the money!

So yes, not much you can do now, but really, financial stuff needs to be kept private (in UK culture anyway)

From observation, I would say that many people with money pretend they don’t have it. They do not talk about large purchases, they play down expensive holidays, and they raise the topic of things being expensive even when they can easily afford it.

For example, a couple I know who send both children to private school (the wife stays home) will bemoan the increasing cost of a flat white.

I'm not autistic but have several friends and family members who are, to differing degrees. I know it can be very hard to know what are the socially OK things to talk about and what aren't.

How to know that there is a difference between commenting on the cost of living generally, or things like, "I bought a mars bar and it was £2.50!!" (or whatever), compared to talking about an inheritance, and a very expensive thing like a house that you bought with it.

I think it's maybe a British thing to talk about finances very generally, or small things (see above), but not getting into details of house prices, large spending etc. A lot of my friends and colleagues don't know (and will never know) that I have paid off my mortgage, because I know some of them will never be in a position to do that, or even get on the property ladder at all.

It's unfortunately with the benefit of hindsight that OP didn't have, and it's maybe the case that some of the friendships are over, but in general, dial it back and just don't mention buying a house, furnishing it, for a while, and also try to mention - if asked - that whilst the inheritance is welcome, of course you're very sad to lose the relative / friend who left it to you.

You can't talk to people about money it's impossible

I've known one lady who had to actually tell people in advance that she wouldn't pay on night out - she has a big house and horses and so on and she's had people actually sit there expecting her to pay the bill

I have another friend who I knew for three years before she invited me to her house. She was very vague about what her husband does, but he's in hedge funds and they are loaded. It takes years to build up a level of trust where you can tell people that stuff. She said she very rarely gets far enough to invite people to the house. Her children's friends come but they go to the same private school so they are roughly in the same bracket

I haven't worked for awhile I probably won't go back - I don't advertise that -

I think there was probably a time where people could be honest about money, but it's long gone.

I also know a lady in her 60s who's just bought a lovely house. I asked her if she was having a party. She said no because she hasn't even told most people that she's moving. It's such a shame like she's not allowed to be proud of her achievement her career was interrupted by ill health so it's great that she's recovered and been able to get a position on the board

she should be able to share that with her friends, but she's only told a handful of us

Stop mentioning the money and what you're buying, they might think you're rubbing it in.

I have never ever discussed my finaces with any of my friends. I paid my mortgage off in my late thirties and DH and I told not a soul.

I did have a friend through voluntary work who was very nosey, she is well off no idea how much but you can piece it together. Having her entire garden landscaped she shared its cost 16k, the cathedral height extension to her house, her DH has a glider, having her bespoke sofas made. She was happy to share, I’m not. She was getting frustrated with me when she put her house up for sale, 650k. Now where we live that’s a lot for a house. She was saying surely you could easily afford this, I wouldn’t give a straight answer. She had pryed for financial information before. At that point I couldn’t be bothered with her, I mean it’s irrelevant. I would guess my least well off mate is the school dinner supervisor living in a HA house and my most well off is a mate who lives in a house that cost them a million and they bought it outright. But who knows.

@GingerBeverage its because people expect you to pay or may ask for help. I would never help anyone except my DS.

Yes but people are nosey and can put you on the spot. It can be hard to say mind your flipping business politely if you are not skilled in doing so or cant see the inappropriateness of the question

Buying souvenirs can be a cultural expectation but unless someone bought one for me in the past, I wouldn’t buy one for them.

The mistake you made is telling them how much. Also the fact that you can buy a house with a “little” sum (your word) makes you look strange because house deposits are big sums.

It’a definitely best to downplay stuff like inheritance amounts. It sounds like these “friends” would have said that you were showing off if you’d bought souvenirs so you can’t win.