Dealing with memories of being parented badly

[HappyFacedWorm]

Tonight something brought a memory flooding back. Of being pinned to the bed as a teen by my dad so my mum could squeeze my spots. I was screaming and saying I'd do it myself, even bit my dad on one occasion trying to escape.

This is batshit, isn't it? Completely unacceptable? Just trying to gauge how bad it was.

I also got shouted at a lot, basically I seemed to be unacceptable to them for unclear reasons. They screamed at each other a lot too. I know it was their own stresses being taken out on me but my heart breaks for my younger self. I was suicidal through my teens, and little bits of happiness were snatched away by weird control freakery from them. Parents just seemed to have no clue let alone actually be supportive. They caused me to feel suicidal.

I entered adulthood messed up, it has affected my whole life. (Obvs left home at 18.) Couldn't get suitable mental health treatment as was viewed as middle class privileged girl who couldn't possibly have any problems.

Took a long time to work through what happened to me as a young adult, trauma when I needed help. (By this I mean the stuff that happened to me after I left home.) Not able to live normally until my mid 30s.

Pregnant with my first now and it's bringing memories of teen years back. I thought it was all past. My parents are great now and have been for years. They seemed to be loads better once I left home at 18.

I can't afford counselling atm. Also thought I was past all this (having had therapy and reflected a lot).

I think I'm posting for reassurance or knowing it's not just me, or something.

I think it is normal for pregnancy and child rearing in general to raise questions, concerns and traumas about how you were parented. I had a lovely upbringing generally but at each point of my own parenting journey memories come up at every stage. For me they are not really difficult but for someone who has trauma this can be a very difficult time.

I’m really sorry you went through that. It’s sounds awful and I can understand why you feel the way you do. As pp said, sometimes it’s when we become parents ourselves that we realise how bad things were for us.

I think having dc makes you reflect on your own childhood and how you were parented a lot. There was a lot of shouting in my house before my parents divorced (and after!) and I remember a v similar scenario to yours but my parents were cutting my fingernails when I didn’t want them cut.

I don’t see my situation as abusive personally but it’s certainly valid if you do. I do know I would never do this to my dc. Presumably my parents saw it as a non negotiable act of care whereas I very much pick my battles but different parenting and different times I suppose.

I’d imagine they would cringe looking back through the lens of modern day parenthood at some of the things they used to do but I’m very mentally healthy and happy as an adult and don’t feel damaged by my childhood.

The compassionate way of looking at it which helps me sometimes is that there is no manual, they were doing the best they knew / could at the time while dealing with suboptimal circumstances themselves.

I’m so sorry for what you experienced as a child. Of course you’re reflecting on this now you’re going to be a parent yourself…it’s not batshit to be upset. You were restrained against your will over a very superficial issue. Sad as it is, you now know how NOT to parent a child which is a very positive thing. Lean on the midwives and your Health Visitor. Re your parents.. did they ever accept responsibility for their behaviour? How do you feel about their potential relationship with your baby? I hope you have a loving, supportive partner. Take care of you; cherish these very special days. Ask your midwives to refer you to perinatal psychological support if you’re up to it. Access the Solihull programme on attachment. Above all, Congratulations on your pregnancy! Enjoy every moment. You only get one first x

@dms1

I think my parents sort of accepted responsibility, in my 20s. Certainly they act like it now, and do helpful things/are understanding about things in the present day.
Sadly that doesn't change how off track my life went as a result. Although I know I'm lucky they changed.

I was assessed by a local not for profit who offer therapy to reflect on your childhood and help you bond with your baby. They felt I didn't need it as I have spent so much time reflecting and looking to future parenting all my life! Also have studied both psychology and counselling. (Some of it's harder when it's yourself though.) I agree with their decision.

Mental health help is really mainly for extreme situations, the gap in my life I guess is just having v close people I could share the memories with and have a hug. Rather than a huge mental health issue. I have to llet myself have a cry and surround myself with comfort instead. I have general support but needing this deeper level has surprised me.

I am single, although I do know what it's like to be loved by a good person (he didn't want any more children) which was a profoundly healing experience. Sadly by the time I was able to spot a good relationship I was too late to get one of the few good men! 😆
Am single mother by choice, with "choice" being something of a misnomer.

Thank you for the replies x

I’m glad your parents are better parents now. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and birthing experience. Sounds like your baby is blessed with having a very loving mother.