Difficult situation with Sister.

[Ginghamtablecloth]

I have one sister 3 years younger than me. She is single and always has been. We are in our 50’s. When we were children I was the one who had to do all the jobs because I was the oldest and I was blamed if anything went wrong again I was the oldest. (My mother has a very complex personality)

I married at 22 to get out of I’m honest and I moved away. At this point my sister was expected to step up and fill the gap i left. However she resisted as she hadn’t been expected to do it before and so began to clash with mother. They are very similar people.

Fast forward now mother has dementia. I do the lions share of care so we can honour her wish of keeping her at home. Sister constantly complains about it. She misremembers things which have happened in the past and portrays mum as worse than she was. She will tell these stories to others. Now mum is late stage dementia and sister openly talks about mother dying.

I have already grieved my mother and the relationship we never had. Mother doesn’t acknowledge or recognise me any more despite me being there every day. She does recognise sister and tells her she loves her and sister just sneers at her.

it is starting to irritate me now. The woman is dying and you want her house so at least try to be pleasant for her. Problem is I’m crap at confrontations and I don’t know how to tell sister I think she’s being a knob. If I try to point out things to her she cry’s. I can’t be doing with the extra stress however I have heard from a friend she is complaining to people conversationally about mum.

how can I confront her?

Siblings don't have the same upbringing her feelings and stories are probably valid. Like you said you wasn't there

If your mother was unpleasant to you, why are you working so hard to keep her in her own home? It sounds as if you have lots of unresolved issues with your mother and you are taking it out on your sister. You have decided to follow a course of action and keep your mother at home. Your sister does not agree. why do your decisions take priority over hers? Work at saving the relationship with your sister. Your mother will be gone soon.

Your dm did seem to care about making your lives pleasant as children did she?

Shes entitled to her feelings about her upbringing and your mother, and they won’t be the same as yours. Dealing with dementia is difficult. People often want the person to die because it’s so hard. Is keeping her at home too much for you?

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, and for the added complications of your previous difficult relationship with your mum which can only have made caring for her harder on you. I’m glad that you have already grieved for ‘what wasn’t’ between you, this is best for you and I admire you enormously.
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Now onto the sister issue…. I’m afraid you have to try to accept that she is a completely different person to you and that means she will say and do things that you will struggle to accept. From what you said, she’s always been self centred and spoilt so for her, your mum’s decline is an inconvenience and she is not going to have any compassion nor behave with any grace or conscience.
It is horrible what she’s doing; telling people nasty things about your mum, but I don’t believe that a confrontation with her will help… yes you may feel relief to have had your say, but she won’t give a toss and will probably then tell people how horrible you are and switch to ‘how could OP say that to me, I’m so devastated by mum’s impending death already and now my big sister is being a bitch to me’ ….. it’s up to you to decide if you care what others think or not.
As someone who has lost their mum, I would say that you are only responsible for your own behaviour in this situation. So far, you have retained your dignity and behaved extremely well in the hell you are in… why change now? It would be terrible for you to have your say and then find yourself feeling diminished in some way, possibly even ashamed/guilty.
Just my thoughts on it, you may not agree and that’s fine; this is your life and your choice.
Wishing you strength for what comes next and peace afterwards xx

Why are you sacrificing yourself to honour your mother’s wishes? Caring for someone with dementia is soul destroying. Those who do it professionally get breaks, and for a reason. Your anger at your sister is misplaced and is a bundle of unresolved hurt from your family of origin put in a pressure cooker caused by your decision to care for your mum. Your sister has every right to do what she is doing IMO from what you say in your OP.

didn’t I meant!

Your mother treated both you and your sister badly as children. She got away with not being treated as badly as you until you left home, but was also treated badly.

You are giving up your time, energy and health to honour the wishes of your mother who didn’t care enough to look after you well as a child.

Your sister was the favourite- yet due to her mother’s treatment of both of you, doesn’t like, love or respect her abusive mother. You think that because your sister is going to inherit money from your mother, your sister should pretend to like and care about your abusive mother.

it reads like you have forgiven your mother for her terrible behaviour towards you, and therefore believe your sister has to also forgive and care about your mother.

Have I got anything wrong in the above?

Why are you determined to treat your mother better than she treated you ?

I think this situation is very complex.

I can certainly see you have fairly “standard” family expectations but it doesn’t sound like a particularly “standard” upbringing.

I think you are projecting a lot of your issues that belonged with your mother onto your sibling and she possibly does the same to you.

Neither DH nor I had “standard” upbringings either. One of his sisters has huge issues with us because we have not tried to fulfil her requirement for family expectations and she tried to take this out on us. Her expectations were that other siblings should care for her mother to exacting standards she set out.

Honestly it is just really draining. We dropped the rope a lot with her because of how unsustainable it all was. We just focused on doing what we realistically could for his mother and didn’t try to keep his sister happy. I suggest you focus on what you want to do for your Mum and let your sister do the same and don’t put too much emphasis on the things that lead to conflict.

You can't ever control how another person feels.

Your sister is entitled to her own memories.

You could voice that you feel hurt when DS speaks badly about your mother and she might behave more kindly when you are there, out of respect for you.

You can only behave with dignity to yourself. You don't owe your mother more than you feel comfortable to give.

Take care, Op.

Your sister has valid reasons to feel as she does. Your mum wasn’t kind or a good mum to you by the sound of it - why are you sacrificing yourself to keep her at home? I assume it’s your home? Or are you living at her house? It’s time to start living your own life OP - I know it’s a cliche but it sounds like you need counselling to help unpick some of the burden of misplaced filial guilt you’re experiencing.

It sounds as though you have more of a sense of responsibility because that’s what was expected from you as a child. Your sister is maybe more boundaried because she didn’t have these expectations on her and wasn’t parentified like you. She has a different experience of family life, especially the parts where you weren’t there. I also had a very different experience to my sister but I keep my mouth shut to her because I don’t want to ruin her good memories. I think your sister needs to have a bit more emotional intelligence in front of you because, for example, talking about the house is insensitive. But I think you probably also need to accept that you both just don’t feel the same way about your DM or your childhood

It might help you if you reframe the current conflict with your sister as nor your fault, and not her fault. Your mum made choices which affected both of you, and she is still standing between you now.

You are both reacting as the children who were not heard and cared for - your sister having to be loud and emphatic that things weren't right (she saw you treated badly too, remember). And you being hyper self-sufficient as a way to manage (you had to consider it as not "too much" to ask of you and your sister, so that you could be ok about your own self).

Soon it will be just you and your sister. Can you both find a way to be softer with each other?

You're not reacting to each other, you're reacting to your projections of your mum.

Don't let your mum continue to hurt you both.

I have heard from a friend she is complaining to people conversationally about mum.
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how can I confront her?

Your sister is entitled to complain about whatever she wants, to whomever she wants.

It’s really invalidating to say that “she misremembers things which have happened in the past and portrays mum as worse than she was”. That is her experience of her own childhood - you don’t get to decide for your sister what she should think and feel.

You say you “married at 22 to get out” so you clearly had what sounds like a very difficult and abusive childhood.

Everyone is different and everyone deals with things in their own way.

Your sister is dealing with the situation in her own way; just as you are dealing with it in yours.

I don’t think you have any right to confront your sister. She doesn’t appear to have done anything wrong. You just have to accept that you are both at very different stages of processing the past and the current situation, and that’s okay.

She doesn’t ’misremember’ your mother. She had different experiences to yours and a different relationship with your mother. She doesn’t feel your mother was/is a nice woman and she doesn’t have to pretend she does now that your mother’s unwell.

YABU.

You don't confront her. You said you married young to get out so why don't you believe your sister had a negative experience of being parented by your DM? I always thought of my younger sister as the golden child who had it easier than me, but as an adult she has shared some awful experiences she had and expressed how she never felt loved or wanted. We never really see outside our own experience as children and young adults.

I moved away to escape, too. Even though I was the child who was treated 'better' (though that sense entirely the wrong word). Fortunately for me, my mum went from independent to needing a care home, overnight, so there was never any guilt about not caring for her at home.

Had things been different, and my sibling had decided that mum should be cared for at home, I'd just have said no. Your sister clearly feels that she's been guilted into supporting you in that, so of course she's resentful, and she's entitled to moan to whoever she likes.

Incidentally my sibling dwells on how my mum treated me, more than I do. For some reason they think they should have been able to protect me. They remember things that I had entirely forgotten and/or remember differently. But I accept their memory.

We're very different people who barely saw each other before mum had her stroke, but we've negotiated the 'care and admin from a distance' situation harmoniously. Because what we experienced as children ties us together, however different our characters and our adult lives.

Sorry OP but you can't police how your sister feels or how she behaves. Her experience of her mother is hers alone and possibly very different from yours. It's your choice to keep your mother at home and care for her and if your sister resents it, then that's how she feels. Maybe you could suggest to your sister that she visits mum less often if her attitude upsets you?

I'd just tell her. "Out of respect for me, please consider how your comments and gestures impact others." Then leave it at that, you can't do more.

I feel for you OP. It's a shit time all around. When I lost an imperfect parent, as we all are, the imperfections were less important. The thing that lingers... I wish I'd been kinder and more patient. That's up to your sister to work through, you can't do more. We all, mostly, just try to do our best.