Adult son expectations

[Lynnem87]

Am I unreasonable to expect my 24 year old son to pay board and/or maintain cleanliness in his bedroom.

My 24yr old son pays £300 a month towards his upkeep and does lots/various things around the house. He works, so can afford that. Probably more. Does your son work?

Of course that is reasonable. Is he working?
If not working but receiving benefits, id still say a nominal amount AND helping out around the house (not just his own room!)
He's an adult and whilst he'll always be your child, he can't expect to be looked after like one!

Of course not, I am assuming he has no disabilities that make it impossible.

Not not unreasonable. I expect my 8yo son to maintain cleanliness in his room and help around the house.

He has always had a sense of entitlement and we’ve spoilt him more than we should. He can be emotionally manipulative also and plays on fact my relationship with his dad hasn’t always been great. He has occasionally been found taking drugs in his room which is a red flag for me. Over several years we have threatened to throw him out, supported him through potential mental health issues, etc. few weeks ago after another drug situation, I calculated household expenses and divided by 3. This came to considerably more than the £100 per week I told him I expected. He is currently working as Amazon delivery driver earning £600-800 per week. He is looking for his job of choice which we’ve paid £6k for him to do training for.
his bedroom is disgusting - dirty clothes all over floor, litter not binned, bin and washing basket overflowing, bed sheets unwashed, thick dust on all surfaces etc. Tried to do a deal with him - either keep room clean as contribution or pay board. He refuses to do either so have stopped buying and cooking his food which has resulted in an explosion of rage where he was physically intimidating and verbally abusive (not first time). Now silence. Horrible atmosphere but feel I have to take a stand

Your latest update with his abuse means show him the door.
It won't be easy, I'm sure, but for your safety, you should.

Op if he's earning that much surely he can afford to move out?? I wouldn't put up with his behaviour

Get him out. You deserve better than having a horrible angry man in your home.

What’s your dh doing about it? At 24 it’s time he moved out and learned to be a man who can take care of himself. Can he move into a house share?

With that latest update you need to sit him down and lay it out. He either, lives by your rules which includes paying for his share of the bills and his room needs to be sorted out or he moves out. You will not tolerate being yelled at or given the silent treatment which is a form of abuse and you can look that up to prove it is. He is not a child and you have no obligation to house him and you need to tell him that.

He should be grateful he gets to live so cheaply. Print out a list from Spareroom.com of all the local places he could move out to in a house share.

He has a deadline of X for the room cleaning and showing you he is grateful or he has a Y deadline of moving out and do not back down from this. He is abusing you in your own home. Do not put up with this. You are not doing him any favours by allowing him to live like this in your home.

Chuck him out. He’s an abusive wanker. And don’t hesitate to call the police if he threatens you again.

Time for him to move out. Tell him to find a room rental and give him a roll of bin bags to pack up his stuff. His dad needs to step up too. Enabling him to grow into an angry, useless dickhead who lives in a pigsty is not an option.

You need to evict him - get his dad on board and get him out; get the police involved if he threatens you.

He is abusive scum OP.
Get him out and involve the police if necessary.
This is what happens when you don't enforce standards.
Only a thug acts in a threatening manner to his mother.
He needs to leave now.
Pack his bags, change the locks.
He has the money for a hostel.

This is awful OP and I'm not sure that you realise how awful. Your son is abusive. This type of abuse is on the rise unfortunately.

What does DH have to say?

I would go mental if either of my sons behaved like this.

You're getting a lot of advice to chuck him out, which is good advice but I doubt you'll do it - no judgement btw, he's your son, it's hard. But I would definitely take this opportunity to have a complete reset of expectations. I would make him pay 1/3 of the bills and also do 1/3 of all the housework. Tbh, I wouldn't care about his room, if he wants to live in a pigsty then let him, but he'd better be cleaning the bathroom and kitchen and doing his own cooking.

Oh, and if he takes drugs in his room again, he's out!

Thanks for comments. I have feared for his mental health in the past which has made me more enabling of his behaviour than I should have been. I don’t think he would leave if I told him to and not sure I could face getting police involved

My 24 yo ds lives with us.

keeps his room sanitary, cooks for himself (but often for us too!), does own laundry, helps out around the place (I have serious mobility issues and he’s fantastic about helping when not at work), walks the dog (not his dog!), we don’t charge rent as long as he’s saving to move out (had to move home after splitting up with his girlfriend) and he has over £10k saved so that’s good.

Hes polite, friendly, nothing is too much bother, he takes me to my doc appointments when he can, pushes my wheelchair … in fact there’s a bit of me dreading the day his grandfather’s inheritance comes through and he can afford his own place! He always says though that he’ll come round when I need him!

Sadly your son is not like mine OP. I think that children like my ds are more common, you have a ds with a very different way of looking at things. He needs a wake up call but I’m not sure how you do that?

has resulted in an explosion of rage where he was physically intimidating and verbally abusive

I'd be kicking him out for that. And if he didn't leave, I'd be calling the police. He's a grown man, at his age I'd bought a house and had a daughter. He doesn't get to be protected from the consequences of his actions as if he's a child.

I wouldn’t be bothered about the bedroom unless I had an infestation or I could never find any of my own crockery, but that would be because he would be paying me rent.

I took a year at 18, before I went to uni, to work/doss about and I was paying £250 per month. I came home after uni and it was £400 per month.

Years later they told me it was partly to make sure I got on with my life and wasn’t incentivised to stay at home forever, as my 42 year old spoiled cousin has done.

Take courage from the knowledge that you will be doing the right thing by forcing your son to stand on his own two feet and face up to the world of adulthood.

This world does not tolerate abusive behaviour. Let him try that with anyone other than his mother and see how that goes.

His sense of entitlement beggars belief.

He needs to be thrown out.

He's 24 and earning a decent wage.

It'll be hard but you've enabled him for too long OP. It's beyond time to show him some tough love - it will end up be the making of him.

If you don't, you'll still be in the exact same situation at 30...and then 40...