Constantly overwhelmed with child, work and life admin, how to cope?

[Silverspoon83]

Hi all,

Not really sure what I’m hoping for here - maybe just to not feel so alone.
I feel like I’m dropping the ball in every area of my life at the moment. I’ve got a child (9 years old), a husband, a young dog, and self-employed - all objectively “good things” - but I just feel constantly overwhelmed and slightly on edge.

I wake up already feeling behind. There’s always something I should be doing — work, house, parenting, life admin - and I never feel like I’m doing any of it particularly well.

I find myself being impatient with my son and then feeling guilty. My husband is supportive but I also feel like I carry most of the mental load, which makes me resentful and then guilty about that too. The dog (who I thought would be a lovely addition…) is just another responsibility I don’t quite have the bandwidth for right now.

Work-wise, I’m fine on paper, but I constantly feel like I’m winging it and one step away from being found out.

I don’t feel depressed exactly, just… stretched too thin and like I’ve lost any sense of calm or enjoyment in day-to-day life.

Is this just what life is like at this stage? Does it get easier? Or do I need to actually change something rather than just push through?

Would really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s felt similar.

It drives my husband up the wall but I put reminders for everything in our joint (online) diary, I do the same at work in my outlook one.

Send this email/clean hoover filters (on repeat)/message friend about funeral she has today/pj day at nursery. Any thing I have to remember goes there then I don't need to bother remembering.

4 weekly meal plan.

I try to once a week take the dog a walk somewhere a bit more exciting than our usual walk, even if it's just including a cafe stop I fancy so it's less of a chore.

Try to once or twice a week spend an evening away from the house doing something I enjoy (yofa class and art group for me...)

Take some time to make a list of all the things you are responsible for, and ask DH to do the same. All of it... making appointments, cooking, buying birthday gifts, organizing holidays, laundry, yard work, etc.

In most cases, the female in the household takes on a lot of the burden, sometimes because men don't see the importance of it. Have a good discussion with DH, and even with DS, and rearrange your list so you are not doing too much. Son is old enough to help with dog walking, dishes, some household chores. A weekly list of chores can be made that all can help with.

Don't be a martyr, it's time to rearrange your family's responsibilities. Others in your household may even come to a realization... good luck.

Hey OP, I have felt like this since having my now 5 year old. I’m always juggling running businesses, caring for my child, keeping a tidy house, cooking and exercising etc. What I found to help was making a list - a realistic list - of ToDos in the morning. Even if it’s small things like ‘put laundry on’ when you tick them off it feels good. Also when I look back at what I have done later in the day I don’t feel so crap! Just try to prioritise if you can and try to do one good thing for yourself everyday too. Even if it’s as simple as having 20 minutes just sat down with a cup of tea!

I have found being self employed means I never really switch off from work or worrying about work. It has allowed me to flex my time, but my hours creep out of hand on a regular basis. I need to regularly remind myself what’s good about it. Try to outsource/ delegate as much as humanly possible: yes you need to keep balls in the air but you need to refill your cup too as that is what makes life worth living and allows you to be more present with those you love. If you knew you only had five years left to live, would you do anything different? Use that as a guide to help you answer the question of whether you need to change anything. Sending a hand hold.

No advice as I’m in exactly the same boat. Three kids, work 5 days in 4 and my house is constantly teetering on chaos. I feel like it’s all just never-ending. I get on top of things and then 1/2/3 of my kids get ill and I lose it all again.

Right now, DC1 and 3 have Hand, Foot and Mouth and DC2 keeps periodically throwing up with no warning. I just can’t cope much longer.

I hear you I feel the same like I’m being stretched in every direction and I do absolutely everything. I think I try and find small pockets of time just for me, like just enjoying a cuppa in peace and quiet or new dog walk route, I like to find a new wellness activity. Like a sound bath or a a meditation app, or just something simple, essential oils or a scented candle just to bring me back down to earth lol

one, it could be hormonal and yes part of this stage of life.
organization; automate as much home admin as possible, rather than monthly bills can some be paid annually? yes hand over some specific "bills" to dh to deal with (annual insurance renewal where sometimes you want to shop around and it takes a day or two to sort quotes) for example.
meal prep always lots of meal prep some full meals frozen and quickly available (costco is good for this) to reduce the end of day stress.
housekeeping, i would highly recommend even a tiny bit of help in this department.

I hear you, OP.and @MrsApplePie!

Three kids under 5. I return to work next month after third maternity leave - full time over 4 days. I already feel like I’m teetering on the edge of dropping all the balls, and I’m not sure adding my job back into the mix is going to make me any better at clearing the laundry and replying to text messages.

There's less active parenting to do soon - they get more independent in the next couple of years. Can walk to school and go to the park without you by the end of year 5. They can make their own breakfast and lunch. Then in the early teens, they can organise their own social lives and get buses to where they want to go. Encourage all the independence! And give them more responsibility for themselves. Let them fail along the way, it's part of the learning

Your husband probably needs to do more life admin/housework/child responsibility stuff. Give him some of your jobs. Completely from start to finish. Don't be responsible for the management of him doing the jobs. My DH is in charge of the kids clubs. I no longer think about them at all. He pays the fees, buys the uniform/equipment, arranges lift shares with other parents to do pick ups/drop offs. He does the cooking - he meal plans, writes a shopping list, does the shopping, does the cooking, get the DC to set/clear the table, and loads the dishwasher. I literally just eat and enjoy it!

Get the fair play deck of cards and use them with your DH. The trick is that he needs to take full ownership of whatever jobs he takes on. You should never have to think about it again, no helping him or reminding him.

Your DS can also be resp for some jobs like emptying the dishwasher or the bins.

Have at least one night in the week and one morning or afternoon on the weekend where you are "off duty". Do the same for your DH. In your time off, leave the house and do something nice for you, don't use this time for errands.

Get a cleaner or at least a robot vacuum that also mops. We got a new one recently and it automatically knows where to mop and where to only vacuum. Get one that self-empties.

In your business, really look at what you can automate or outsource. What can AI do to make your job easier?

Thank you everyone! It's SO lovely to have other people to share this with. The truth is, a lot of you have more than one child and you are coping way better than me. I think I'm so so hard on myself and I know that, but it just feels like failure everywhere I turn.

I like the checklist idea - I used to do daily habits and even had a group on whatsapp to help others do the same. Then... I don't know?! I had an injury and my exercise went to pot and I think my self identity changed and the one thing that helped me cope was suddenly gone (fitness).

I also hear you about the hormonal side of things. It has crept in and I'm suddenly all over the place wondering how I ever coped before.

My husband is actually unusually good at housework and admin - it actually makes me feel bad as I clean the house then he will come back and reclean/reload the dishwasher like I am incapable. It's horrible because I am really trying to be a 'good wife' but feel I'm never good enough.

Anyway, thank you so much for your support and I am here to give it back x

We had a cleaner but then needed to cut costs. Also, AI - yes it is a big part of my life. I use it mainly for therapy!

I'm feeling the shift slightly with DS being older...he is definitely helping more in the house. Every year he changes and it's like learning a whole new set of rules on the job.

Simalr life demands here as OP.
In the past few years iv automated what I can, PAY a cleaner best 2 hours very other week and I don't do loads on top of this.
Over cook for easy warm ups another day and batch stuff where we can.

Also, maybe just saying some stuff has to give. Iv tried to slow down at weekends, I felt a need to always be doing but actually we all needed to NOT be doing when weekday demands where so much !

It's hard 😪 everyone feels it at times. We currently feel we have a good balance but I don't take for granted that one thing could knock that.

My husband is actually unusually good at housework and admin - it actually makes me feel bad as I clean the house then he will come back and reclean/reload the dishwasher like I am incapable. It's horrible because I am really trying to be a 'good wife' but feel I'm never good enough.

Don't duplicate effort! If your DH is anal about loading the dishwasher in a certain way, or cleaning the house just so, then drop that rope! Housework and dishwasher duties belong to him now!

Your last sentence about not feeling good enough - what's going on there? Has feminism done a number on you? Do you feel you need to be mother, housewife, earner of income, supportive wife etc etc. And do it all to some impossible and unattainable standard? You and your DH are a team in all this stuff, you're not his cheerleader, support animal, or personal servant to a greater degree than he is yours. It's needs to be a fair division of emotional/physical labour and ability

Ahhh this hits hard...

Ok, going to share now..

I met him when I was young and unstable and he was the stable force. I've grown now over the 16 years we've been together and I feel the power dynamic is still he is the stable force and I am the one that needs to be contained. It might be me putting this on myself but the way the household works is very much that I feel I'm never quite doing it right and he is the standard to live up to. I don't even know if I can blame him for that... it might be all me!

But recently my son has started noticing the way he is and I now feel the need to protect him from it. I mean, this started as an overwhelm post but the reality is I'm not sure if I need to stay or go. That's the BIGGER issue haha.

Blimey, sharing a lot. Thank you for listening!

having lived my whole life with being late and being disorganised I actually feel like either everyone has been reduced to my low bar of doing things or I have nailed things because I always needed systems to organise myself.

Anyway I sit up in my bed on Sunday nights and input every single last thing into my calendar that I need to do for the week. I spend two minutes checking and revising it every day. It helps.

I also married a man with a particular way of filing the dishwasher. Seemed like the perfect match but now my broken brain has still ended up organising our whole lives. The bar for men is very low

When we got a puppy; it was like I had hurled myself back into newborn days again . So it will get better with the dog.

Does your DH know and properly understand how you feel? What does he think about you as you are today? Why are you questioning your relationship?

The bit about your son. I'm not sure what you feel the need to protect him from? I get the sense that your DH is quite particular, maybe controlling? Is that a reach too far from me?

I'm not sure if this is the bigger issue, or the actual issue behind you not feeling in control of life, work, mothering etc

Thank you for your reply. What do you mean by this: "I also married a man with a particular way of filing the dishwasher. Seemed like the perfect match but now my broken brain has still ended up organising our whole lives. The bar for men is very low"?

My husband has very little emotional intelligence but I know he wants the best for me. He is not abusive at all so I want to make that clear. I am just much more free and easy and present with my son (well, as much as I can be!) and my husband is very regimented. He is grumpy and annoyed a lot at everything (think Victor Meldrew for those in the UK and of a certain age) and it's ok for me to deal with but I don't want my son viewing life the way my husband does.

There is a lot there to unpack I know. I am just grateful I can share some of this.

I sometimes wonder if I need to take my son away from it as I don't want him to have the same negative feeling about himself that I have due to the household dynamic.

I just mean ultimately the mental load of running a house and running children’s lives seems to rest on women rather than men.