Fear of admitting my truth to parents

[crumpetwithcheese]

Okay so I’ve no idea what to name this post (and it’s a long one so I’m sorry!)

I’m doing a nursing degree and have 5 months of “placement” remaining, basically unpaid work on the wards. The truth is I’ve completely lost all motivation for it and feel so lost but I do know it’s absolutely not what I want to do and I feel so burnt out from it - I have just started antidepressants for anxiety and low mood.

My parents in particular are really quite “insert” themselves into situations that should have no impact on them whatsoever (I’m 31, mum with a 7yo and supportive partner for reference)

My uni are aware and I’m having help from therapist to try and get past what’s caused this, my tutor has suggested I swap my degree to still a degree with honours but it will not include anything nursing related and instead be a health related degree, if I later decide it’s what I want then I can go back to do the nursing degree.

I find “big” decisions really hard to just take charge of my life and have those in my family accept that. My mum honestly cares too much what others think. Any advice on how to broach the subject (and if I’m even doing the right thing)

Thank you!

editing to add, me my partner and DS live with parents as in process of finding our first house (which was eventually going to come with qualifying and having a FT job)

It’s going to be kind of difficult for your parents not to “insert” themselves into the situation when your entire family are living with them. Presumably, if you don’t finish this degree, that will also prolong the time you need to spend living with them?

It seems a great shame not to finish your course when presumably you are in final year and have done all of the academics and placements so far. If the uni are supportive, could they try to steer you towards placements which you might find more interesting – I know there are requirements around certain numbers of community/hospital/other placements but if you would find working in the community easier for instance perhaps your remaining placements could be there?

Otherwise I have to admit, I don’t know what you mean by changing to another degree which would be Health related but nothing to do with nursing? Surely that would involve at least another year of university? And what kind of subject are the uni suggesting? Even if feasible, be careful that you don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire with another subject that you don’t enjoy. Best to try and work out first if it is specifically nursing which is the problem or your overall frame of mind.

Could you just not say anything about it for now, until you’re sure what you’re going to do, to avoid the pressure your Mum would add?

Seconded! Just get on and live your life OP

@crumpetwithcheese the adult thing to do at this late stage is to such it up, get through these last few months and qualify. This isn't just about you, your parents and partner have massively supported you to do something you clearly wanted 3 years ago. Changing course now will have a major impact on them too which hardly seems fair.
Maybe if you focus on what you need to get done to finish rather than just how you're feeling you might get some motivation back.
And having the qualification will.give you plenty of options in just 6 months time.

I think it's very tricky if you're dependent on them and they are hoping that there is an end point to this. They shouldn't be so concerned about what others think but from what you've said this does impact them in a real way.

It's one of those where ideally they'd be supportive and understanding of your situation but I think that you may need to be prepared to show them some grace if they don't react well.

Is your problem that you don’t want to do nursing any more? Or is your problem that yours and your parents lives are enmeshed with each other?

Your post title implies it’s your parents involvement in your lives, whereas all you talk about in your actual post is that you don’t like nursing.

I think your mood and situation may mean you’re blaming the way you feel on the nursing degree, and that may not be the root.

Why can’t you move out?

Regarding the degree, I also think finish it. You’re 31, have a family you’re partly responsible for. You don’t have the luxury of dropping out or taking an unrelated health degree that doesn’t qualify you for anything. Just grit your teeth and do the last few months. Move out, do some bank work to tide you over, then reassess.

You need to be weary of making any big decisions with anxiety / depression clouding your judgement, its important that you listen to the people who care about you so you hear a voice that isn't the anxiety/depression.

5 more months in a placement you're not enjoying and you will gain a really useful qualification. Could be one of those moments when you just need to push through. Then you can decide whether to pursue nursing jobs, or something else. But at least you'll have choices, and won't have wasted uni fees and time and energy. Not saying its easy (I've been there!) but worth it. Good luck.

Personally I would prioritise finishing my degree and moving out from my mum's house.

One of the advantages of nursing is that it is so broad that if you hate one area, there is something completely different.

Once you are moved out it will be much much easier to keep big decisions between you and your partner, without having to let your parents know much about them at all.

This.

its only a few month, knuckle down & just get it done.

Focus on being employed & getting your own housing. If you want to do something different then, then work it out.

Agree with @Seelybe

I felt the same way at a similar stage in nursing training. I was worn out, fed up and certain I didn't want to be a nurse.

I also knew if I didn't finish it would demonstrate an inability to 'finish the job'

So I took it day by day, gritted through it and got to the end.

Once you've got the qualification you can do other things - but it's probably worth forcing yourself to the end, day by day.

While living with her parents? Best she gets employed & standing on her own 2 feet before she can 'live her own life'

Agreed. Presumably dropping out now would mean prolonging the time you live with them? It seems a it off to expect their help on the one hand, but not allow/expect an opinion on the other.

I'd just get on with it and qualify, move out, and then move sideways or specialise after.

Taking antidepressants is so common, hardly a marker that you can't cope. You only have 5 months left, I really wouldn't quit now.

I’m a lecturer and this is exactly the time of the academic year that students get burnt out and fed up. My subject area is totally different to nursing but I am seeing it right now with our lot, eg first years saying they want to quit/change direction or not progress into year two. I’m sure I was the same at uni myself!

My advice to them is generally to push through - particularly those in final year. It’s a short time (although I appreciate it will feel like a mountain to climb while you’re in it) and once you have the qualification then you can choose not to use it, use it, change direction or whatever. What your parents say is irrelevant in the bigger picture, but if you are living in their home that’s harder to deal with. Surely getting qualified and getting out of there is a bit of a motivator?

If you continue with your current degree and graduate in nursing, what career options would there be apart from actually nursing?

If you switch paths now and end up with a different health-related degree, what career options would be open to you instead?

Which would you prefer? It is your qualification and future career you need to prioritise, not what your parents might think. In any case, you could tell them a white lie and say that your tutors have told you your skills are such that they have suggested you switch courses to something more prestigious/whatever.

Honestly I think you should suck it up and work the 5 months and qualify. I would (and have a couple of times). At 31 with a supportive partner I wouldn’t be asking them what to do, I’d be letting them know what I was doing.

The alternative health qualification doesn’t sound vocational.

This

Sorry you’re feeling so low. You’ve got most of the nursing course behind you so try not to make any big decisions on your future at this stage. If I was your mum ( my daughter in her late 30’s is a nurse) I’d advise to try to keep going to that finishing line and get your degree which is on the horizon.

You hopefully will start to feel better on the medication in the coming weeks. My concern would be that you might regret pulling out of your course at this late stage. I fully understand how much blood, sweat and tears are already invested . Lean on your partner and seek support from university pastoral services and try to find that final push to get to the end. Then you’ll be in a better place to plan for the future. There will be plenty of bank shifts while you plan your next move.

You might even be in a better headspace in 5 months time and starting to enjoy it. I wish you all the best whatever you decide 💐