First holiday without adult child & feeling sad

[Middleagemoper]

My DH and younger DC are off on holiday tomorrow but older DC (20) has to work. I am genuinely gutted - properly sad to my stomach. Can anyone emphasise? I think the feeling’s amplified as we are off to a location we have all been and loved before (staying in the same property). Older DC is such good company, loves visiting places of interest and makes the most of every experience. I dread to think how I’ll feel when they fledge the nest!

Did you go on holiday with your parents aged 20?

It’s just the circle of life

New chapter of life, try to embrace it….

And maybe don’t harp on too much about how much you miss DC1, might make DC2 feel like they aren’t “enough” for you.

Our DC stopped coming on holiday with us as teenagers. We revelled in the freedom to do whatever we wanted.

I stopped going on holiday with my parents at 16. For us holidays were a caravan in Wales. Nothing wrong with Wales or caravans. However a young adult at 16 is sensitive about their body and there is no privacy in a family caravan. I had just begun work and I told my parents I could not get leave for x months. They believed me and I was left at home for two glorious weeks. I was allowed to have a female friend come stay with me at weekends and my mother did ask the NDN to "keep an eye"on me. I think she was more worried that I was going to give a wild party or have boys in and get pregnant (1960s). Fortunately nothing like that happened. I never went on holiday with my parents again.

At 18 I went abroad for the first time and told my parents we were going to Gibralter. She was happy with that because Gib is British. What I did not tell her was that we were crossing the strait to Morocco. My mother would have had a heart attack to think of my going to an Arab country.

I get it OP. I love holidays with my DDs .... they stopped coming at a similar age for a while but now love to join us with their partners occasionally.

They're 20! Most of us stopped going away with our folks at 16. Just be grateful they gave a job, and a proper life of their own.

Hmmm, I get you wish he was there, but we’re you still going on holidays with your mum and dad at 20??

I get it OP but they have all come on holiday with us again at different times when older!

Going away on your own is an important part of becoming an independent adult. You learn how to pack, take responsibility for your own safety and possessions, find your way around and (if going abroad) experience another culture. It can be scary at first but gives you such confidence when you find you can do it. I later travelled independently and solo all around the Middle East to places like Iran, Syria and the Gulf countries. Looking back I could not safely visit some of those countries now and it makes me sad.

I can empathise with you OP although it is the way it goes. You obviously enjoy your eldest's company, she sounds lovely, a real pleasure to be with, but now she's on her journey as an adult and you can look back and be happy you've raised such a pleasant young person. Go on your trip, take photos of your DD's favourite places, fully enjoy your younger DCs , tell your DD that you missed her and thought of her whilst away and be proud that she is who she is. Have a lovely holiday OP.

You mean you are all going on holiday as a family but have to leave the eldest behind? (Because it sounds from your OP as if it's just your DH and younger DCs?)

In which case, yes I get you. The idea that you are leaving a member of the family out, especially if they are good company and you know they would enjoy it, is disappointing. My eldest is older than yours and we had a big family holiday recently - he was able to jiggle work around and join us for the first week, which was so lovely. His siblings really appreciated it also. I knew he would have loved the second week, so we were sad he had to leave, but it was tempered by the fact we got to share a bit of our time with him.

The best thing to allay the guilt and sadness is to go on holiday with just your DH. Then all kids are left out. That sounds fair!

Our first holiday without any children was bliss!

I appreciate that you have younger ones but you do need to let go. It is just how it is.
We only had 2 and fairly close together. My younger one bought a friend with them when the older one stopped coming.

I bet they are looking forward to having the house to themselves and not having to go on a family holiday

@Middleagemoper , it is sad. If it helps at all my boys are in their thirties now with three children a piece. We’re going on a farm visit all together at the weekend, we see them all fairly regularly and we’ve got holidays booked with them all over new year and summer and additionally with the younger son’s family another holiday in the spring.
Some people seem to take their children growing away a lot more easily in their stride. I found it hard. I have an excellent relationship with my daughters in law and they seem to welcome including my husband and I in their family lives, we’re extremely lucky.
You’ll get used to the new norm eventually and hopefully you too will be included sometimes in the holiday plans of your children’s families.
P.S.
It’s important I think to accept the shift under these circumstances that your children are leading these holidays and you’re going along for the ride with grace; especially if they have children of their own.

I've never been on a single holiday with my parents I'm 34

My DDs are 16 and 18. Last summer was our last family summer holiday together. Myself and DH are looking forward to going away on our own. It's time for us now.

How old is/are your younger DC OP? I think you need a change in mindset as to how a family holiday should look. And just because your older DC hasn’t been able to come along this time, doesn’t mean they will never holiday with you again. We only have one DC and he’s 25 now, but sometimes he still comes away with us (with his partner) and sometimes DH and I go alone. They are just different kinds of holidays and it’s nice to have both.

I get it OP, it's kind of the end of an era.

Our eldest has always loved travel/holidays more than just about anything else and particularly as a late teen/ young adult he's been a great travelling companion as he is so enthusiastic about researching stuff and helping organise. We'd said he could come on our main family holiday (if he wanted) until he'd finished uni, which is this summer. But he's got a job to start (abroad!) so he has declined. I'm obviously delighted that he's launching into a new grown up life and career but a little voice inside keeps saying "but we were meant to have one last holiday with him!"

Never mind. We will have fun with our youngest and enjoy the new dynamic. And save some money on food and drink which eldest consumes like a dustbin!

And I do think the family holiday had started to run its course for him naturally, even if he hadn't had other plans. He was a bit huffy with us on occasions last summer and was clearly missing his GF.

I know quite a few people who holiday with their parents and children as adults (MIL comes away with us most years and sometimes FIL too, although he's much more of a homebody). This isn't out of obligation or financial necessity, we genuinely love to spend our holidays with our parents / inlaws.

I know several other families who have similar arrangements so your older DC may well end up holidaying with you again in the future.

I have to caveat and say absolutely no way would I have wanted to holiday with my parents or inlaws pre DC though!!