My son isn't kind at all - how to address this.

[Dsproblemswithfriend]

My ds has been friends with another kid at school for a couple of years. Dc are 9 and 10. I'm quite friendly with the mum.

Not excusing anything here, but ds is going through a lot of trauma at the moment, huge problems with his dad, a shocking health diagnosis for a close family member, and his sibling becoming physically disabled quite quickly in the last couple of years, and he is ND so doesn't cope well, takes a lot out on me. This is just some background info.

School are helping out with emotions and I am working on everything at home constantly.

He has started to be quite unkind to his friend now, not nasty like name calling etc, just very grumpy in general, selfish when dexiding what to play or about tasks in school, and not happy for his friend when something good happens etc.

I feel like the mum still feels obliged to make our kids play, and I understand that my son isn't being a good friend right now.

I want to acknowledge the issues, and apologise to the mum for this, and also let her know that I don't expect her son to play with mine and I won't be offended.

1 - is this wise or should I just leave it.

2 - what do i say without sounding like I'm making excuses.

If I was the mum I would feel very touched that you’d bothered to acknowledge what many do not!

I would thank you and try and show a bit of compassion your way too as you clearly want to address the problem. It might be that ultimately the kids just won’t be friends anymore and perhaps your son needs to hear that his behaviour might soon have consequences

What are the issues with his Dad? Can you address this with him directly? Your DS is undergoing a lot of trauma - but from what you have described so must you be - have you enough support for yourself - I would imagine a difficult (?) x-DH, your child becoming disabled, another close relative suffering and your DS being ND and his behaviour declining must feel like being hit by multiple trains in many directions. I would ensure you have as much professional emotional support as possible so that you are secure so that your DS Co-regulates from you.

Maybe mention to your friend that you are aware that things are fractious right now but your priorities IMHO are stabilising yourself and then helping your DS regulate over this immensely challenging time.

Have you tried talking to your DS to say If you aren't kind, you can't expect your friend to want to play with you. Is he prepared to lose that friendship.

There was abuse from his dad, so the relationship has ceased and his dad was charged this is all ongoing.

I am supporting ds through all of this, the school are amazing, and he is getting some outside support as well, so I'm doing everything humanly possible to help him. He's such a sweet and loving boy, just life has been cruel lately and he's struggling.

I'm able to access help if I need it, but I'm currently focused on my dc and so don't feel as though I've got time. I do feel like I'm coping OK though.

My sons are my absolute priority, however I don't want this other child to feel crap and guilted into being friends with ds when he is being unkind at the minute, however understandable it is.

The mum is aware of the problems ds is having and I worry that she feels bad and makes her ds play with mine despite him being unkind to her child.

I just want to kind of let her off the hook and tell her she doesn't need to feel bad, the trauma ds is going through can't be helped, but I don't want her son to be traumatised by my sons behaviour. My son has support for what he is going through, things will take a while and will settle down when the right things are in place, but that doesn't mean other kids have to be on the receiving end of unkind behaviour meantime.

Sounds like he is stressed and upset but doesn’t know how to handle his emotions so is taking it out on his friend. Keep talking to him and things might improve

I've told ds many times about his behaviour and possibly losing friends, he insists that he's doing nothing wrong because friend did X Y and Z to him. I can see from an outside perspective that ds is in the wrong on the things he says.

He is stressed and upset, it's awful to witness honestly, I just want to scoop him up and take it all away, but I can't, all I can do is get support and help him through this.

I am just worried about this kid who is being affected by what ds is going through also.

It doesn’t sound like you are prioritising your own recovery and supporting your own emotional health which your DS is implicitly tuned in to. You being less anxious / stressed will make him less anxious and therefore less reactive with more emotional capacity / tolerance and therefore behave better with his friend.

You are really suffering so many hideous situations simultaneously they are converging and compounding.

I think you’re deflecting the issues. You minimised his trauma which is significant (reread the first post). I think what’s going on with the friend is the least of it and if he is just being a bit grumpy then that is remarkable.

i mean this kindly. I hope you are ok too.

Speak with her because that way she knows you are trying to address the issue

I'm not minimising my sons trauma at all. Nor am I deflecting.

I can't talk about my ds/his dad as things are ongoing at the minute and I don't want to jeprodise anything legally.

This post isn't really about what my family is going through, I just wanted to give a bit of background as to why my son is behaving like this just now.

I'm not prioritising myself at the moment, that's true, I have 2 dc with significant and differing needs, they come first. I am doing OK and will access support if and when I need it. I'm not anxious, I am stressed, but that won't change for some time.

I just wanted a bit of advice for this particular issue with this other child. Everything else is going in the right direction, and I am getting the right support for.

How awful for both of you. It’s great your son is getting good support from school. I agree I’d be glad to be approached with this, I couldn’t speak for everyone but personally I’d like you acknowledging the issue and I’d generally help my kids to approach situations like this with compassion where possible. If you are reasonably close it would allow you both to talk about how each boy is being encouraged to handle things, ie your sons friend could be helped to practice saying ‘do you know you’re being a bit grumpy just now’ or something like that, and your DS could be helped to think of strategies to manage his emotions when he is feeling like that?

Does your DS have any insight into his behaviour, like maybe he can’t see it in the moment or immediate aftermath, but can you have a calm discussion later?

You said you are not prioritising yourself but that’s essential if you want to best care for your DCs sustainably.
This is the oxygen mask analogy, derived from airline safety briefings, states that in an emergency, you must secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

It symbolizes that self-care is essential, not selfish; you cannot effectively help, care for, or support others if you are physically or mentally incapacitated yourself.

Key elements of this analogy include:

• Prioritize Wellbeing: You must attend to your own mental and physical health first, such as getting enough rest, nutrition, and downtime, to remain effective.

• Prevent Burnout: Just as acting without oxygen leads to unconsciousness, ignoring your own needs leads to burnout, rendering you unable to help anyone, including those relying on you (e.g., children or patients)

• Self-Compassion: The analogy encourages treating oneself with the same kindness and care you offer to others, often cited in counseling and self-help contexts.

• Proactive Action: It is a reminder to notice signs of burnout—such as irritability or exhaustion—and take action before you are "out of air".
• SMART Recovery
• +6

This analogy is commonly used in parenting, caregiving, and professional settings to justify setting boundaries and prioritizing self-maintenance.

I don't know of any parent who would prioritise themselves above their dc in any situation, let alone multiple situations with a life-long impact on their dc.

I'm doing OK, but my kids must come first.

Everything is as under control as it can be, my kids have the support in place that they need. I was just looking for advice on this one small part of a much bigger situation.

At the moment ds can't really see his behaviour as wrong, I've tried a few different strategies but nothing has clicked as yet. I believe it will at some point. It's maybe just him trying to control a part of his life as the rest is so out of control at the minute.

I likely won't see the mum until Friday so I'm going to have a think what to say and approach her. Even if I say the wrong thing I guess its better than saying nothing at all and not acknowledging the impact my child is having on hers.