Is this friendship over?

[SingingGoldfinch]

I’ve run this past friends irl but just after a spread of opinions on a friendship issue I am experiencing to get some balance.

I will keep it as brief as I can!

I have known friend in question for over 25 years. We have been consistently in touch over that time and have met up fairly regularly, but there have been spells when we’ve seen more or less of each other over that time. I wouldn’t say we are super close but good friends.

I recently saw this friend in an unplanned scenario after not having seen her for a while - we had the usual catch up chat which was ok but then she got upset and basically implied that she felt I had not bothered with her. We couldn’t chat for long because of the situation we were in but I texted her as soon as I could afterwards, apologising for being a rubbish friend and for not checking in as much as I should and suggesting some times to meet up. She has completely aired me - no response at all - and it’s now been weeks.

For context this friend has not been in touch with me either - and having reflected on it there is a history of me generally being the one to make contact. I have been there for her through all sorts of things over the years and have generally been a shoulder to cry on.

The whole thing has really upset me. I have never had any friendship issues before and like to think I’m a good friend. I am sad that she obviously feels I’ve let her down and haven’t cared for her as I should but also disappointed that my friendship isn’t important enough to her for her to accept my apology. I’m also just not sure I deserve to be given the silent treatment. I took a decision to give her space but as the weeks roll on it’s feeling more like the friendship might be over. Friends irl unanimously say I should walk away, but it’s niggling me so just wanted to check what the wise women of mumsnet think. Is this friendship done or should I be showing more remorse and begging for forgiveness a bit harder?

remorse for what? She’s not been in contact with you either? Where’s her apology!

I would either send one more message saying contacting each other goes two ways and you’ve always initiated it more than her or I’d leave it.
Do not send anymore apologetic messages.

It sounds like she sees you in a particular role, and is annoyed that you've deviated from it. If you see things more evenly and she expects you to be doing more to maintain the friendship than she does:
"you've not been in touch for ages!" "Neither have you."
then she can't really say this out loud can she, she'd sound completely unreasonable. So the only answer is to ignore you or otherwise punish you until you grovel or she gets over it.

It sounds like you bumped into her unexpectedly and gave her as much time as you could, then contacted her immediately after whatever you had planned, and spotlights, and it's still not enough? It makes no sense to an outsider why you apologised beyond the usual "sorry I've not been in touch, we must catch up properly soon", "me too, sorry I've not been in touch, yes let's arrange something" , but you gave an apology and she's running with it.

I think your reflection that the friendship was predicated on you making the running, is an important one - maybe she was having a difficult time, but you’re not a mind reader, and phones are 2-way. Doubtless if you continue reflecting, you will realise that she wasn’t there as much for you as you were for her. Maybe she’s saved you a job by dropping contact - it says more about her than you. Can you make your peace with it? In the circumstances I wouldn’t chase her

I think she’s made up her mind.
Airing you is extremely nasty behaviour imo.
You’ve done nothing wrong 💐