Dd father pressuring her emotionally putting adult stuff on to her

[Fatherfather212]

Just looking for some opinions on this conversation between dd and her father
Just for context dd is 15. Shes only been in contact with her father for 10 months . Im not going to go into why as thats not what this is about. But o have mentioned it as time of the relationship feels realivent.

Also as it was screen shots I asked chatgpt to write it for me so I could copy onto here.

DD:
You could’ve told me that I made u feel some sort of way without bringing Dan into it. I didn’t mean to I just wasn’t in a talking mood and u know this. I spent Friday and Saturday with u and sometimes talking to u 24/7 just gets a bit much. Not in a rude way obviously cs I love talking to u and spending time with u but I have other things to be doing too. Don’t get me wrong u can message me whenever u want it’s just sometimes I won’t message as much as u would want to.
Also please remember u can’t change whatever happened in the past, I obviously don’t have the full story of the boys’ lives and I do apologise if I’m overstepping my boundaries but u will always be my dad there’s no doubt anywhere in my mind.

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAD NO MATTER WHAT NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT EVEN IF WE DONT TALK

Dad reply:
Im sorry xxx wasnt ment to say anything to you.. i thought i was talking to him in confidence xx im sorry for what i said to you and im sorry for what i very nearly done.. you are my world n everything but sometimes as you know my brain goes places it shouldnt n makes me feel a certain way.. i love you so much i love you all but you are special to me xx

Dd reply:
Don’t say sorry dad it was on my part I didn’t communicate properly xx

Father reply:
I spent this afternoon on counselling helpline n that has helped xx

Farther:
Right ok xx he didnt tell you what i nearly done??

Dd
Did u nearly try kill urself dad
Fuck
I’m so sorry
I’m so fucking sorry I was part of that

Dd also said this to me:
Im on the phone with dad and hes saying I come across as rude whenever I say to him I'm tired and I don't want to talk then im on line an hiur later or whatever

He does this sort of thing alot over questions dd if she doesn't want to talk. Wants to be on her own like teenagers do. He tells her about his marriage programmes money issues .

Almost forgot to add hes told her because of csa he can't afford to feed hus family. And she feels its her fault.

I think the reason why might be very relevant.

What relationship do you have with him, if any? Because I’d be contacting him to tell him how inappropriate he’s being. She’s his child, not his mate. Good dads don’t talk about their suicidal ideations to their children. They certainly don’t let them think that they are partly responsible for them. This man shouldn’t be anywhere near her, unsupervised, based on these messages.

In your shoes, I’d want to get her some counselling. I’d sell every stick of furniture I owned and do night shifts for a supermarket if I had to. She’s going to have all sorts of issues if he’s not been part of her life until recently and she needs help putting boundaries in place and recognising that this man is not a good dad and is being really inappropriate.

Yeah i get that i do want to say something but I also don't want to cause upset for dd for her to feel like shes in the middle or for him to make her feel bad in some way.

I have been helping her put in boundaries. She does do it. But I don't think much changes. So maybe I'm going to have to approach him about it. I'm going to speak to DD first though

I don't think he's safe for her to be in contact with. Does she want him in her life?

She does but she just She just wants him to stop doing what hes doing. She dues say thing's like I'm 15 I can't fix your marriage problems. Or I can't control adult situations. She does things like tell him she only wants to spend a couple of hours with him and not the full day. Or if she stays over she tells him only the one night. But that doesn't stop him saying the stuff hes saying. I will have a chat with her later.

I know he’s her father, but I don’t think it’s in your daughter’s best interests at all to have this man in her life. If this continues, he is going to cause her very real emotional harm.

She is only 15 and not equipped to deal with any of this. I’d be seriously considering blocking him from being able to contact her.

This is really worrying OP. Could you encourage her to phone childline for advice on how to handle this?

Can you book her a few sessions with a private counsellor. It will be worth it's weight in gold. Separately have a word and tell him he is being incredibly selfish and he is not to put her in that position.

She is going to talk to the school counsellor. She's also part of safe guarding so I may speak to her as well to get some advice. And yes she can access childline samaritans kooth

I'm not in the position to pay privately. I can sort something through school though.

I think she would appreciate you being 'bad cop' and blocking him for her. She cant set boundaries at the moment, she needs you to do it for her. She's pretty much asked you to. Tell her what youre doung. Tell her she can blame you for it. Tell her if she wants to speak to him, she can have 30 mins with you in the room.

I think you need to be the adult here and put a stop to this. It's potentially doing her enormous emotional harm to be involved with this unstable, suicidal man, who clearly doesn't have any boundaries or any idea how to parent a 15 year old.

Yes, this.

I will speak to her but I'm not going to go behinde her back. Plus she could just unblocked him anyway. I'm ok with being bad cop. But I also don't want to do something that might make her feel like she can't tell me things or has to keep secrets. I will definitely speak with her later maybe we can come up with something together.

That is really tough. Your poor DD. That's great you are arranging counselling for her.

My ex has started a bit of this emotional manipulation with our 14 year old DD in the past year, although not the same extent as your situation.

He isn't emotionally manipulative in front of other people, it is only when they are alone. I've said to DD that I can be there whenever she wants to speak to him (in person or on the phone).

He has rung her a few times late at night after drinking sessions so we set her phone on silent after 9pm. She knows she doesn't have to answer the phone to him.

I've pulled him up on a couple of instances where he has been out of line, and also told her when I have done so. I want her to know that she is entitled to have boundaries, including with her dad, and that I will defend them.

She struggles with very conflicting feelings for him - she loves him but she also knows he's not a good dad - and counselling helps her a bit with this.

It's really not easy. I also have counselling for myself to support her and help hold boundaries around him. If you can access some for yourself I'd really recommend it.

I'm certainly not suggesting you go behind her back. Tell her that you are requiring her to block him because a 15 year old newly back in touch with her father shouldn't have to deal with his suicidal ideation, and ramblings about helplines, CSA, marriage and money problems, far less staying with him for entire weekends.

Small update.
I suggested to DD to turn off the setting that says last seen on whats app. She did that and a few hiurs later she got a message that says

You changed your settings so I can't see your online.

Its coming across as creepy as fuck now.

Anyway I told DD to talk to the school counsellor as shes also safe guarding. Safe guarding rang me which is what I wanted. Her advice was basically to tell him he needs to stop putting adult stuff onto her. And stop questioning about why shes on line.

The reason I hadn't yet done this was because I didn't want to do anything dd doesn't want me to. I already told dd about words she can use, boundaries etc. Which is what shes done several times but its not worked. So safe guarding has suggested I inform dd what I'm doing no actually ask her. Which makes sense. So when dd gets home from school i will let her know what I'm going to do.

Almost forgot she did suggest I could make a self referral to social services or she can refer if I want her to. To get a bit of support with it as im her mum and need to keep her safe. So for now I'm going to do as she suggested message him tell him to stop. If he doesn't I might reach out to social services for advice.

Why aren’t you talking to him?! You need to make absolutely clear that you know how controlling and inappropriate he is being and that you have eyes on this situation. You can’t be guided by her here - she’s a child. You have to act in her best interests, not by her wishes. That’s parenting.

sorry just read you were going to message him!

Yes I'm going to message him.

I do agree though I think i messed up there i didn't want to do anything she doesn't want me to. I wanted her to feel in control and for her to set boundaries with my help. By helping her with words and support her with that. But I now realise that she needed it done for her from an adult. I can see I was doing it the wrong way now. So yes I'm going to fully step in now.

Well done @Fatherfather212. This parenting stuff is bloody hard sometimes and we can only do our best. Good luck to you both.

Not read the full thread but I suffered abuse as a child. I told my mum not to take action and she didn’t as that’s what I’d asked for. Only I wish she had as I wasn’t fully informed as a teenager. I think it’s important to follow your gut instinct- your DD will make decisions/ take views based on what she knows as a 15 year old but doesn’t have the experience/ knowledge you have as an adult. You sound like a great mum and I’m sure doing what you think is right will be the best for her. Good luck

I'd go absolutely nuclear. Tell him how massively inappropriate he is being and how manipulative his behaviour was. He should not be putting that on a child and if he can't afford child maintenance, he should have kept it in his bloody pantsm