Extroverted vs quietly confident

[JustTames]

I’m thinking about children (or adults really) who have a calm inner confidence. They know who they are, they know what they can do and they don’t feel the need to broadcast it to the world.

My two young teens are sociable, capable and pretty grounded. They are bright and fun but not bubbly, dramatic or attention seeking.

Unfortunately, they often get labelled as shy and adults sometimes assume they are grumpy or, for example, don’t like the teacher (at school and hobbies).

DC1 (13) is starting to feel overlooked compared with their more extroverted peers. It’s not a lack of confidence on her part, it’s that people rarely notice the quieter kids. The more extroverted ones aren't always actually more confident (lots of self doubt there too) but they get more recognition and opportunities. I think I am more extroverted than my dc so I am not trying to be negative about 'louder' characters. Both dc have plenty of friends, it's the adults that don't seem to notice them.

I am wondering do quietly confident people just have to accept a lifetime of being underestimated or passed over?

YABU - yes, if you’re introverted you’ll always be overshadowed and need to suck it up.

YANBU - no, it's possible to be quietly confident and still thrive and get noticed ( please share how???)

Noo, I forgot to add the poll. Never mind.

I don't think you can extrapolate from school to real life. School can be toxic in some ways, as so much is forced.
They need to choose if they're happy to be quiet or want more attention in that specific environment.

But once in the real world, many people achieve lots with quiet competence and good team work skills.

I think when children, yes the bright confident louder ones are easily noticed and frequently rewarded. Whilst the bright, confident but quieter ones are overlooked. Going into adulthood and the workforce, this remains relevant. There’s a difference between introverted and shyness though. An introvert can still approach a boss for a career chat.

I have two DDs, both now adults. DD1 is very extrovert and a bit forceful at times. She was never overlooked at school and has achieved well academically and in her career.
DD2 is quieter but has a steely inner sense of self. At her first school she was overlooked by those louder and with more outward confidence. When we moved house we sent her to private school (at age 10) and the smaller class size worked well for her. She began to really blossom. She did equally well academically and is excellent at her job. I would say of the two she is actually the more confident as I think DD1 uses a lot of noise and enthusiasm to cover when she is feeing less confident.
Give your children time OP and let them find their own niche. My DD2 chose to go to uni pretty far away from where we live and where she knew no one. We worried about this a lot but it seemed to be the making of her. She made like minded friends and thrived. I think it just takes time.

If your DD would like something to happen encourage her to ask for it. I think that’s how people ‘get on’. Waiting to be noticed isn’t a great option. At school this is more tricky but applying for roles (class prefect or whatever), letting a teacher know you’re interested in whatever oppprtunities she thinks she’s missing out on. Being proactive with her desires.
I’ve seen this with my eldest. Not at school as that was crushing for her but since. She’s incredibly introverted but has an incredible determination. She applies for things, sticks her neck out, volunteers, pushes herself, asks for things. She doesn’t always get them but because she puts herself forward she’s noticed and therefore ‘in the running’. Sometimes the louder ppl who aren’t necessarily ‘better’ get the opportunities but not always.

This is frustrating OP and I do agree with some PPs that to an extent this is a particular problem in the school environment. My kids are the opposite of performing monkeys; they can be perfectly confident but don't see the need to shout about it. I have started to speak to them about ideas like continuous assessment and just explain that if they don't demonstrate their understanding some teachers may simply not recognise it is there. It is difficult to do this in a way that won't then make them feel constant pressure so I think caution is required.

Also, whilst I do think it is a particular problem in a school setting, I don't think it disappears completely in the workplace, and I'm sure we all know people who are good at playing the game but not necessarily doing the work. It is frustrating because so many of our systems are frankly ridiculous and not really good at ensuring the best, or even right, people end up with the right opportunities or responsibilities (job interviews for starters). I am trying to help my kids see the various systems for what they are and strike the balance between playing the game and being fair and true to themselves, which is broadly an approach that has served me well, both in terms of my own career success and sense of self. It's incredibly difficult though.

Important to remember those who compete for attention at school are not developing the skills needed in the modern workplace.
The best modern employers look for more than simply being an extrovert.

None of what you describe is about introversion or extroversion, though. The sole distinction between them is whether people are energised or drained by being around others. Extroverts can be shy and quiet but still emerge buzzing from social occasions. Introverts can be talkative and socially confident but still need solo time to decompress. ‘Bubbly, dramatic or attention seeking’ is irrelevant to either introversion or extroversion.

I agree with a pp. If your teenagers want recognition and opportunities at school, they need to ask for them, rather than sitting about hoping a teacher singles them out. Passivity isn’t going to bring rewards.

Of course letting someone in authority know that you’re capable of taking on a project or actively seeking a particular opportunity is a key workplace skill!

Extrovert and introvert are two opposite ends of a scale, aren't they?

In the middle you get a lot of people who just get on with their day, and at school that tends to mean that they can sometimes escape the notice of the teacher. Happened to my dd. I was parent helper in her class one day in Y3 and the teacher was asking questions. The kids were putting their hands up, including dd, and she chose a variety of kids to answer all these questions. She didn't pick dd and I assumed it was because I was there and the teacher didn't want to prioritise her for that reason. Later on, dd said she was cross and I said oh never mind and dd said 'No mum, I'm always putting my hand up and she never picks me, some weeks she ignores me completely'.

Some weeks!!

I had a quiet word with the TA in her class (who I'd known for years) and she agreed with me. She said that the ones who weren't naughty, disruptive, loud or needed learning support were pretty much left to their own devices by that teacher.