Help with understanding a friendship

[ChocolateMagnum]

I need some advice about a friend who seems 100% genuine. For context, I need to add that I'm late diagnosed AuDHD and going through a bit of a tough process learning who are my true friends and who I've spent far too long barking up the wrong tree with, for one reason or another. And then working out what, if anything, to do about it. This friend, though, I can't work out.

She's kind and always enthusiastic and lovely when we're together. She included me in her end-of-year round-up on IG so there's 'evidence' she sees me as someone special in her life. But she never replies to messages untill days later when we always says something like 'sorry, I've been avoiding my phone. We need to meet up soon! x'. Her behaviour over text does not match her behaviour in person.

But I've invested a lot emotionally in this friendship and I thought she had as well. I'm not sure what to do! It's a bit embarrassing constantly getting the same message back. Do I just stop messaging her, give her a hug when I see her and stop investing otherwise? But she's leant on me in the past, so this isn't one of my purely one-sided friendships with someone who is kind? Or is it? When we're together, she just talks the whole time and if I want to join in the conversation, I have to shove my way in.

I think I'm working out what the answer is just by writing this. But I'd be grateful for some non-autistic and autistic insights please!

I have seen threads like this before and know how they go, so I am going to very quickly add my thoughts before the “cut her off, she doesn’t care”-s come.

You are neurodivergent, so I imagine you are very understanding on this front. In short, I am very like your friend - contrary to not texting back quickly appearances, my friends do mean an awful lot to me. However, I often find texting back overwhelming and then the difficulty is further compounded by the time I take to text back and I panic. I find this aspect difficult to explain, I don’t know why I take so long to text back… but I do - I also have object permanence issues but it doesn’t mean that I like my friends any less and I feel sad that they might feel such rejection and disregard from it.

Don’t ditch your friend, she shows how much you mean to her in other ways. Maybe just bring it up gently and have a chat about it.

What happens if you don't message? How do you get to meet up?

When we're together, she just talks the whole time and if I want to join in the conversation, I have to shove my way in.
If she was a proper friend you wouldn't need to do this because the conversation would be two way and she would be interested in your contribution. I don't see how this gels with her being kind and always enthusiastic and lovely when we're together.

I'm sorry but imo sounds as though she is primarily interested in herself and you are one of the bit players in her life. And I don't think you can take being included in her end-of-year round-up on IG
as being a sign of friendship because Social media is all about show and presentation and not a lot to do with reality and real feelings and character.

I think if you enjoy meeting up with her then continue to do so OP. But if her not bothering with your messages upsets you then don't message her. And don't expect true friendship from this woman. It sounds superficial from her side.

We see each other at our shared interest thing where we met.

This is really helpful. Thank you. Object impermanence is definitely something I can relate to but my heavy masking means I'm hypervigilant about not leaving messages in the ether and the autistic part of me likes things tidied up, so I'm good at not leaving messages without being answered. In that case, I guess I just don't know how it whether to continue my usual messaging her when something comes to mind that I want to share with her, or if that's making her feel shitter if she's in a bad place and not responding as a result. I genuinely don't think she's a shit friend and think you absolutely right. My ND spidey sense has never fired with her, not once. It's more a kind of confusion as to what I'm meant to do to maintain a friendship like that.

I have ASD, so possibly not your target responder. I would say she likes you, she enjoys being with you, but she either doesn't have time or motivation to spend time with you individually.

How often are you messaging her? What are you messaging her about? If you are genuinely getting a delayed, simple message that ignores the content of your message, I'd read that as her not being that interested in what you've messaged about.

Two examples:

"Sorry! Was avoiding my phone. Good to hear that enjoyed the cinema - must catch up soon and you can tell me about it!"

An actual response to your message.

"Sorry! Was avoiding my phone for a few days. Catch up soon x"

But it never happens ... Not so much.

I see. So at the shared interest do YOU always make dates to meet up (outside of the shared interest)? What I'm trying to work out is, is the friendship built on you always doing the spade work? If so I'd have a word. If no change I'd pull back

I suspect I have undiagnosed neurodivergence. I’m a bit like your friend in that I take ages to respond to messages. With me it’s down to over thinking- I try really hard to write the perfect message and then it feels wrong so I delete it until I give up and then it’s a few days later and I feel guilty and end up sending super short “ talk to you soon “ type message. The more I care about someone on a personal level the harder the message is. I can respond to work messages without a problem because it’s just factual information.
Also like your friend- I talk too much , it’s excitement and enthusiasm and impulsiveness- I’m more aware of it and try to work on it.
Please give her a chance. I truly love my friends and I’d much prefer that they pulled me up on something I was doing if it upset them rather than just let me drift away.