Anyone happy to have casual sex when they previously couldn’t - due to emotional attachment (pre kids/ pre menopause etc)

[DancinOnTheCeiling]

I’m curious about this. In the past, prior to marriage/DC etc when I was dating, I had ONSs and causal sex, amongst relationships. In fact I had quite a few ONSs until I realised they were making me miserable. I’d become emotionally attached, want more from the guy (or at least I’d think I want more), fantasise about being in a relationships with them etc - even if rationally I knew they weren’t relationships material - so I stopped having ONSs. Now having had DC I am actually separated, starting to possibly think about dating again but mostly I am wondering about casual sex. Ex and I get on quite well but I’m generally disappointed in men; my ex and friends’ partners etc. I think at the moment it’d have to take a pretty special guy for me to actually want to date but I have been wondering about casual sex. I’ve read threads here of women who seem to have the time of their lives, having causal sex and lots of fun with no strings attached. So I’m wondering if that could be me - not right now; I’m still healing from the break up, I’m still not over not having any more DC, and I don’t feel too confident in my body just now but building up strength and think in the future I could do it. I genuinely feel different now. I fantasise about some guys eg my neighbour but I never ever think about going for a meal or having a long talk. I just want sex. So, has anyone experienced this? Can women who were previously emotionally attached after casual sex change? If so, why is that? Is it do do with the biological clock no longer being an issue (in my case it obviously kind of still is but I’m thinking in a few years it won’t be). Enlighten me!

The thing is with some people the bonding doesn’t happen until you sleep together. And by that point it’s too late. It’s never been something I could do

I was mostly a serial monogamist, had a couple of ONS with men who were friends already (making situations more complicated basically), but that was a long time ago. Now divorced, immediately met someone else (my standard pattern) and then after a couple of years he died suddenly. I'm now absolutely not interested in a relationship, but have discovered that I'm very good at casual sex 😂 I've kind of surprised myself with my "oh that was nice, bye" attitude! Have developed a regular, not particularly frequent, FWB situation and am taking advantage of other opportunities when they arise. It's working at the moment for me.

That’s exactly what I am/was like.. now wondering if it can change

Sorry to hear your partner died suddenly. Sounds like you’re in a great situation now with FWB but - it sounds like you’ve always been okay with casual sex?

I’m particularly interested in hearing from posters who previously couldn’t do casual sex but now can - if they exist

No, I wasn't really ok with it, like I said, it got me into complicated situations because they were both men I was friends with, and we could have developed a relationship, but once I was cheating, and once my boyfriend and I were 'on a break'. I didn't have the opportunity for any other ONSs as I was too busy lurching from one relationship to another! It certainly wasn't sex for the sheer pleasure of it as I'm experiencing now.

@PaulRevere ah apologies, I misread your earlier post. I read serial monogamist and in my head thought that means serial ONS person - but that’s obviously not that at all! So amazing to hear you can now do the ‘wow that was great, bye’ thing. Any ideas why? What has changed? And what is a proper FWB situation like - do you purely meet for sex or do you go on a ‘date’ first..? Is there contact other than about meeting up for sex? So many questions!!

I think the main thing that changed is being devastated by grief, which I wouldn't recommend 😂 There's just no space in my brain or heart for emotional attachment at the moment. I'm sort of detachedly interested to see whether things change.

No, we don't date. We do chat a bit in between. And we get on very well when we're together - he's on the autistic spectrum and appreciates straightforward communication so we can be very honest with each other, which makes things easy.

No wonder you’re devastated by grief @PaulRevere. Your partner’s death sounds traumatic. I can see why grieving like that would make you feel detached. Glad you’re enjoying some no strings attached fun at the same time.

Yes ive had 3 ons in the last 6 months. Since turning 40 ive just really wanted sex only. Ive been single about 16 months. I have no inkling for a relationship as im so busy parenting, working full time and I just dont have the head space for a relationship. I had never had a ons before hand.