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How to offer support to recently widowed neighbour without being pushy?

11 replies

TheAmusedQuail · 14/03/2026 08:19

An elderly neighbour died a couple of weeks ago. His widow is very mentally with-it, although a little physically frail (can still drive etc though). They were married for over 40 years so I think it must be really difficult for her, suddenly being alone (she does have some limited family involvement).

When she told me about his death, I offered to pop in every so often, just to see if she was OK. She was very enthusiastic about this, so I assumed she'd like the support (I've got a family history of ASD so am not always great at reading interpersonal interactions).

I've popped over twice but she either didn't hear the door or was out. In the end, I felt bad and didn't want her to think I was ignoring her, so put a note with my phone number through the door.

A couple of days later I saw her, we had a chat, I gave her a hug. She thanked me for the note. I got the impression though that I might have been a bit pushy?

I'm super busy with work and other commitments, so if she really doesn't need the support, I'm fine with that, but just don't know how to gauge it? I don't want to push my way in if it isn't wanted but also don't want to be a bad neighbour and leave an elderly, frail, recently widowed woman alone. Every time I've seen her, she's cried so I am a little worried, although otherwise I think she's coping.

What approach to take?

OP posts:
SoSadForPoorDH · 14/03/2026 08:27

It’s lovely that you have offered support. You have given your number, she knows how to contact you. As a widow, I’d say leave the ball in her court for now, but maybe in a couple of weeks, if you happen to be going shopping or something, just knock and ask if she needs anything and go from there.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 14/03/2026 08:39

That's very kind of you. Im sure she feels supported just because you've offered, and sometimes feeling supported is enough in itself. And giving her your number is a great idea.

glitterchops · 14/03/2026 08:43

You've been extremely kind but I would leave it now. She has your number so let her contact you. You got the impression you'd been pushy so take note of that and relax a bit, I am sure you'll see her out and about and can always enquire after her then but I wouldnt do any more for now. Some people who are grieving appreciate company, others appreciate space.

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J2Od · 14/03/2026 08:56

I'm a widow (although I was 44 at the time it happened) but I liked it when people did something nice but didn't expect me to open up and "talk about it". Such as a neighbour who , every couple of weeks or so, when they had baked, brought us a few slices of cake or biscuits round- with no expectation of "talking about it." And I particularly appreciated those who were kind to me occasionally, but for a long time! Not just for a couple of months and then they'd drop away. I'd say to frame your help around something practical- does she drive? might she appreciate a lift somewhere? rather than just going round "to talk". I really didn't want to talk to anyone unless i was very close to them already but I really really appreciated small gestures of care.

PensionMention · 14/03/2026 08:59

I think you have done perfectly ok. The note was a good idea.

Leave it now for her to get in touch, a close bereavement is obviously upsetting but it’s a peculiar time as people in the early weeks especially go through some very weird time, like forgetting the person has died. I did this one Christmas went to buy a gift for a loved one that had died recently.

TheAmusedQuail · 14/03/2026 09:49

I like the cake idea. Even if she's not in/not answering the door, I can drop off the cake with a post-it note on. Will leave it a couple of weeks.

It does mean I'll have to cook something though. Damn!

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 14/03/2026 09:52

Just to give the flip side of this…he could have been a miserable git and she’s finally enjoying some peace!

TheAmusedQuail · 14/03/2026 09:55

Myfridgeiscool · 14/03/2026 09:52

Just to give the flip side of this…he could have been a miserable git and she’s finally enjoying some peace!

He was the opposite, a really lovely bloke. But she did say he was nosy and got involved in everything going on in the neighbourhood. Maybe she's enjoying the relative privacy now. And there's me, banging on her door!

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 14/03/2026 10:07

She’s possibly got her feet up watching entire box sets of stuff that he didn’t like watching and doing exactly what she wants after looking after him for 40 years!

Pasta4Dinner · 14/03/2026 10:15

I have a neighbour in her 80s who was widowed 20 years ago. We’ve always offered help, we’ve given her a few lifts. She’s fiercely independent though. She says she’s alone, but not lonely.
One of her children has moved closer and she seems slightly annoyed about it as she considers herself perfectly capable. I don’t think all women need lots of help when they are alone. To be honest I find her quite inspirational. My MIL was completely reliant on FIL and would do nothing for herself, she was upset she had to go buy milk etc.
I would be friendly, speak to her, but she maybe okay.

Boomer55 · 14/03/2026 10:16

Sometimes, after being widowed, you just need time alone to grieve, cry and work through the process.

You’ve offered support, which is lovely, and I’m sure she’s grateful, but let her approach you now.

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