Should my daughter's therapist steer sessions towards school and friendship issues?

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DD is Inattentive ADHD and admits her brain is always on and spinning from thought to thought. All very normal. Problem is shes having a tough time in school, best friend ghosted her and best friend and others won't talk to her. Working with school but also found a neurodiverse aware psychotherapist to support her and maybe get her another perspective besides mine.
Problem is that in the sessions DD has had with therapist they aren't talking about the friend issue but do talk about random things like yoghurt for breakfast. Therapist knows the problems at school and that DD is struggling. Shouldn't therapist steer it back to the issue at some point. Im confused but also worried about DD.
Anyone else understand what I'm saying.

Presumably the fact that they end up talking about yoghurt for breakfast (which I also weirdly spend a lot of time talking to my therapist about) is part of the ADHD? I know that my therapist and I will be in the middle of discussing something and my brain will be a million miles away and I’ll say something completely random. And there’s not really much point trying to bring my back to the topic of conversation because I’m deep in thoughts about having yoghurt for breakfast and will only be able to focus on that until my brain moves to the next thing.

Oh wow @mynameiscalypso thats amazing that you talk about yoghurt. Must be a thing.
I can see how it would happen but I maybe wrongly thought the therapist would have strategies to swerve back to the problem. I had explained how DD can be in conversations to therapist so she is aware. Oh I don't know. The sessions are so expensive but Ill find the money its just DD is so upset tonight that I was wondering is there a point continuing. Will run for few more weeks and see then.

your dd needs to build a relationship with the therapist. They aren’t talking about yoghurt, the therapist is building a therapeutic alliance. It can be really hard when you see dc struggling, but let the therapist do their job. Your dd will talk about school and friends when she is ready

Sounds like a great therapist allowing the session to be focussed on what the client wants to talk about , not on what the parent thinks should be happening.

It’s great that you’ve provided her this opportunity to be herself without your influence.

I should have said first of all that I’m sorry your daughter is struggling so much. Children can be so cruel. How long has your daughter been seeing the therapist? If it’s early stages, it might just be about building trust. But I will say that it’s really really difficult to get me to engage once my brain has moved on. Does the therapist have experience of ADHD?

My son has an amazing OT who was the one person he managed to keep seeing when he was out of school for months.

For months they did nothing but card games. I don't think much OT went on but they built trust. Maybe the yoghurt is a building block your daughter needs before they can get to the trickier stuff. Some parents of EBSA children search high and low for people who are prepared to keep showing up and building the trust at the pace the YP needs.

I'm not sure how many weeks or months they have been talking about yoghurt. I know you need to make a call. But much good OT work over the last 3 years has been built on a bedrock of months of Uno.

Are you in the sessions? I presume not so dds report may not be entirely accurate. I would talk to the therapist about what DD has said to you and see what they say. It'll probably be similar to what people here are saying (building rapport) but it might be something else.

Hi. My daughter saw a therapist for about two and a half years (she is adopted). He told me that it would take months for him to gain her trust and for the real work to begin. And it was all to be led by her - then he would mention something briefly and see how it landed and if she would want to talk about it.

Therapy isn't a problem solving exercise. That's life coaching. It is a safe space, where change can happen as trust is developed.

I think you have to be prepared to fund this fir at least a year and look for changes in her mood, confidence etc rather than working on friendship skills.

Thanks so much everyone. What you've all said makes sense. She's been with therapist for only 1 month so its early days but shes struggling so much she can't see the benefit and wants to stop. I'll see if I can gently explain it like you've explained here.

But question for You all if she's so down about all the school crap is there a different therapy that would be more direct. The former friends have stopped talking to her and other passive aggressive stuff. DD can't help but be tucked in and i hoped therapy would reframe it all for her.

if she’s only had a few sessions over a month, that’s barely the beginning when it comes to therapy. It can take months to build trust. If she’s having one to one therapy it will be led by what she wants to talk about. If a therapist leads the conversation and tries to enforce an agenda,it will alienate the young person and potentially lead to them pulling away. Would you, as an adult, feel able to meet a therapist and immediately get into personal discussions about life changes, without first getting to know the therapist and properly build trust with them?
Theres a lot of research that points towards therapeutic change happening when the client is fully ready and really engaged. Does your daughter want to make changes and learn new strategies? Therapy isn’t a passive process. I know that’s quite hard to understand, but it’s not a process that happens to someone, it’s a process they need to actively participate in for it to be effective. It’s not for everyone.

@pios It is early in the process but its so different for a teen who is coming to this when struggling and trying to get thro the day. So shes not looking to change herself shes going because I've encouraged it. Its so different as an adult who can be independent. I suppose thats why I'm wondering is it the right option as shes not in crisis but is going backwards step by step and is a long process the right one.

I guess I’d be asking what your daughter hopes to gain from therapy and what you hope to gain from it? Strategies to help navigate friendship dynamics at school? Building her self esteem and confidence? A space outside of family where she can speak in confidence? The first two require a high level of interaction and willingness to leave her comfort zone and look at things in a different way.

Perhaps the therapist is laying the foundations to build a collaborative relationship where the work can begin? Even with CBT, which is not always popular with this age group, a therapist wouldn’t be giving homework and strategies until a level of trust has been built.

How old is she? Lots of kids (girls maybe especially or maybe I’m just more familiar) go through this in teen years and I think the ADHD can make it harder. Me and my DN (both with ADHD) both struggled from about 12-16 with friendships. My DN lacked impulse control so she talked a lot and amongst all that said some things that upset people. She made some mistakes definitely despite being a nice person because when you’re saying everything that’s on your mind and you see people all day everyday, at some point you’re going to say something silly or that someone takes the wrong way. Other girls are also going through usual teenage emotions and don’t always take it well or forgive easily. she also made some poor choices of friends, maybe being drawn towards people who were fun but perhaps not the nicest or kindest.

It has finally calmed down now first year of 6th form.

i know that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re going through it but just a bit of reassurance that it can improve.

As a therapist, working with cyp, I can spend months getting to know them and talking about everything but ‘the problem’. Especially so for neurodivergent cyp.
It will make the therapy sessions feel like home work or just another task, when a parent tries to direct the work. I understand that direction is needed for more harmful and problematic behaviour and that’s what I would do if needed, but for something like this, relational difficulties, it takes time. Friendship fall outs for teens are far more painful that adults give credit for. And the emotional turmoil of high school is awful, you couldn’t pay me to go back to high school. All the pressure, transition to young adulthood, social media, social isolation and loneliness, conflicts and bullying, self esteem issues and social anxiety! Just so much

It sounds like the school problem is her ex friends rather than her.

for example, you wouldn’t get therapy for a child who is being bullied you’d want the bullying to stop

why are her friends no longer talking to her?

I agree. Counselling can help her find strategies to manage difficult people, but if shes being bullied or ostracised, that’s a bigger, school problem and even the strongest people are diminished by this kind of bullying, especially if it’s done in a group. Social exclusion is awful.

I hope she can stick with it. My daughter had a tricky boyfriend - she became much more assertive with him after two years of therapy and then suddenly finished with him, which is doubt would have happened without the therapy. He was coercive controlling and ended up on a stalking charge (!) So you can see what a huge thing it was for her to escape this relationship and go to the police. I believe the therapy gave her the confidence and insights she was lacking, plus increased self worth and determination. The therapist was there for her to talk to - she didn't want to discuss it with us.

This is the kind of value you get from therapy. If you want direct help with friendships, that's a speech and language issue, but your daughter is a bit old for that. My daughter is diagnosed asd and adhd and got a lot of speech and language input right through school, but it didn't make it easier for her with friends. I would say it's been a constant struggle for her.

One thing you could look at is equine therapy. We did a few one off sessions of this over the years and it was particularly helpful, I think. Our daughter also loved it. But imo it doesn't do what the weekly therapy does.

This qualified therapist knows what they’re doing. Trust the process.

It sounds like you have encouraged her to go and she is finding it difficult. That's not a good foundation for therapeutic work. She needs to want to do therapy and needs to get on well with the therapist. Therapy can be difficult but if it's difficult right from the start I would say this is not the right therapist and/or your dd doesn't want to do therapy. Has your daughter even said she wants to go to therapy? If she doesn't there's nothing a therapist can do and no point going. Therapy is about a person working on themselves not sitting back and being administered therapy like a drug.

Thank you all for all your replies. @DaisyChain505 yes trusting the process is key.
I was having a wobble as its all in her face at the moment and is not her usual smiley self. The friendship formed very easily but she has gone from close friends to nothing in a few months and wouldn't be a kid who has confidence to slot in with other fruendship groups. Glad I asked thanks all.

One question about therapist is she asked DD for her mobile number and messages her directly. For example about moving their session next week. As DD is 14 that direct communication doesn't seem appropriate. If nothing else DD won't know all the plans for a week so has to ask me anyway.
Parenting neurodiverse teen girls is tough!

It took my DD about a year to really trust and open up. Hang in there.

How do you know they're only talking about yoghurt? Do you sit in the sessions, or are you asking your DD afterwards what was discussed and the only thing she tells you is 'yoghurt'?

My DD’s school provide counselling and they make it very clear it’s private for the student and they won’t discuss with parents unless there is a serious disclosure made (and they make that clear to the students).

it might be worth speaking to the therapist to understand what’s an appropriate way for you to support DD, which almost certainly won’t involve getting a run down of what’s been discussed every session. Also ask your DD the same. If it involves taking her there and picking her up just do that.

I feel for your DD, I had a similar experience at school and it was so painful. I wish I’d had a safe space to talk to someone who wasn’t my parents. As the parent of a teen DD I also feel for you - similarly painful watching them navigate these things isn’t it. I’m sure you’ll both find your way through it, she’s lucky to have a parent who will advocate for her and provide those resources, mine never did.

I think if your dd wants to talk about specific things, she needs to raise them with the therapist. The therapist may probe and honestly, as a parent, I would want to liaise with the therapist about my own concerns so she is aware.

That said, I started therapy to talk about a particular situation, but by the end of 6 months, it turns out the real problem was something much bigger but related. We talked a lot about that instead. My guess is they aren’t just talking about yoghurt, but if it was easy enough to say, your dd wouldn’t need to have therapy to work through it.

I think it’s okay for the therapist to message her directly. She’s giving her some agency and a chance to organise an aspect of her life, which is great for someone who is neurodiverse and will need to do so as an adult. I would want to be able to check messages though, so I would ask them to keep those messages about things that aren’t confidential so that you aren’t breaching her privacy by looking at her phone.

If she is also feeling it's pointless I wonder if it might not be the right fit. I would give it more time if she's ok with that. Some teens find something more oblique like art therapy more digestible, or just do better with someone else.

Re the phone, given she can't get herself there and at 14 I would expect bookings to go through me. But also at 14 I was still checking her phone regularly. If I allowed direct messaging both parties should understand that I will be checking her phone. She may be wanting to talk about home and about you in her sessions so don't pry into what they talk about, but I think you can still respect that distance while also handling all the admin comms with the therapist.