Help me process this ‘unburdening’ from my mum

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

This is going to be long and complicated but I will try to be succinct.

I had a very traumatic adolescence which has left me with what I’m fairly sure is PTSD. Think neglect, alcoholism. My parents divorced when I was mid-teens and it was acrimonious. We went through a period of homelessness and when it finally seemed we were settled my mum whom we were living with met someone and basically ran off with them. This partner was very abusive and our relationship was fraught for many years.

mum had always told us this person was the love of her life. But this evening she has told us that actually this person wasn’t the love of her life, they were just a rebound relationship, after they were ghosted by the person they had an emotional affair with whilst still married to my dad.

This person turned our lives upside down and the only thing that made it vaguely understandable was that my mum was totally blinded by love. But now it turns out that’s not even true - she admitted she used this person, didn’t love her and only stayed because of guilt.

I’m 51 now but have never got over being basically rejected and abandoned by both of my parents. And now it feels like what was it all for?

I absolutely lost it big time with my mum and now I’m trying to process it. Sorry if I’m rambling on now. I’m sure there are lots of things I’ve missed but I hope you get the jist.

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a horrendous time. My dd was abandoned by her dad and now as an adult I found her an excellent therapist. She won’t share what happens in therapy with me but told me she’s making progress and finds it healing. To help
you process and eventually heal, I would try and find a very skilled therapist.

Thanks. I am having therapy anyway, but this has totally thrown me. I’m always feeling guilty and just want some reassurance that it’s ok to feel so angry, that it’s understandable.

I think people are very unreliable narrators when it comes to the damage they inflict on their children. You'll never know if she threw the towel in on her responsibility to keep you safe for some great love or for sport, but neither was acceptable and it's okay to be angry.

Absolutely this. This is a story she has told herself over and over for 35+ years and stories change in the telling.

It may not have felt like a choice to her at the time, and very often a rebound relationship feels exactly like the real deal. The people around the person might see it's a rebound but the person themselves just feels smitten. Ross was convinced he loved Emily.

It's fine not to fine with this. Maybe framing it all around being "blinded by love" was actually a bit simplistic and the truth is not worse, just more complex. There are always complexities in a marriage that no one can convey to an outsider, and that includes your mum & dad s marriage.

This must have been terribly upsetting. We all construct narratives to help give our lives meaning, and that is especially important for those of us who were not given secure childhoods. And now she has destabilised your narrative again. I would consider upping the number of times a week you see your therapist as there is a lot to process here. All the best.

She’s now excelled herself…she was explaining about it again and was talking about how her affair partner was her ‘whole world’ so I feel like she has effectively reduced me and my brother to nothing. Mother’s Day has been tough today

See more of your therapist, and a LOT LESS (nothing at all) of your mother. Literally from now. Allow yourself to block and delete this crazy nasty person and her awful choices. What a self obsessed dick she truly is. Focus on yourself, and the healing you so deserve.