How I can improve my social skills?

[Blackberryandcherry]

Just as the title says really…

I’m naturally introverted and much more of a listener. In a group situation I have to constantly remind myself that I need to remember to contribute.

It doesn’t take much to throw me off, for example if someone talks over me it generally knocks my confidence and I will retreat back into my shell.

It can sometimes take me a while to join in, and then if I bring up a topic or start talking about something and others don’t seem interested or ask very much in terms of follow up questions, I will generally pull back too. Also this makes me feel a bit rubbish as I try hard to be interested in all aspects of my friends lives and I’m left feeling it’s not reciprocated.

I have been reflecting recently and I have come to the conclusion that I’m not very good at speaking in an engaging manner to a point where others want to listen.

I’d really like to improve on this but I think there might be a few things going on…confidence, but also style/tone of speech.

Any ideas how I can work on this? Or is it just practice?

It sounds as if you need to work on your self-esteem first and foremost. If you don't think what you say is worth listening to, or that your life isn't worthy of taking up conversational space, then no one else will either.

It sounds as if you have set yourself up socially as the person who chooses not to disclose much and says 'Oh, really?' and 'What happened then?' and will have to work on changing that, too.

But start with your sense of self.

Yes I do, and I find it much easier 1-2-1 although I do still feel like I have work to do in terms of putting myself forward more and being able to speak in a manner which is more engaging…I notice that I often slip into a monotone type speech and I can sound quite flat.

@YellowFruitBowl

It sounds as if you have set yourself up socially as the person who chooses not to disclose much and says 'Oh, really?' and 'What happened then?' and will have to work on changing that, too.

I think this is exactly it, especially if I’m with a talker as it’s easier than trying to compete for conversion space.

I have recently been trying to make a huge effort to share more but I guess that is what has prompted my post as I haven’t found it very easy. I’m not really getting the reciprocal questions that I’d normally ask as you say ‘the what happened’ etc and then I find myself shutting down.

But you have trained your friends to expect you to behave conversationally in a particular way. You're now expected to be the one who prompts someone else to talk and says little herself, because that's how you've set it up. They're not to know that you're dying to talk about yourself but think it's good form to wait for conversational prompts, unless you tell them, or make it clear you have things to say!

Some people are just reticent. I have one friend I've known since 2019, and she's not shy or socially unforthcoming, she's simply reticent. She will talk, but almost never about herself, or only about things that happened a long time ago. So we have a perfectly nice time conversationally talking about opera and folklore and books and things that interest us both, and the only personal things I know about her are by accident, because I'm also friends with her ex-husband.

I'm just saying this because people are used to you presenting a certain way. As well as you getting used to participating more in conversational space, they will have to adjust their expectations of you.

But I certainly wouldn't wait for prompting questions, or expressions of interest. If you want to talk, talk!

I'm so similar to you it's unreal. I'm the designated ' listener' because honestly, I don't believe anything I have to say is as interesting as the other person. I have a sibling who never stops rabbiting, going on about the minutiae of their day but does so in a charismatic, engaging, bubbly way. They make you want to listen because they have such an enthusiastic, energetic style. So, you're right it's not so much about the content of their conversation, but the way in which they speak draws people in. I lack confidence and can't tell a story without it sounding boring and dry - nothing is as bad as seeing someone's eyes glaze over when you speak, so this triggers my shut down response and to revert back to the comfort of being the avid listener. It's awful and over time, you lose yourself even more and believe you're literally invisible. I have no idea how to overcome this. Friends are extremely thin on the ground because honestly, who wants a mate who just nods her head and asks the follow up questions without contributing her own stories?

But that's a self-esteem thing, too, @JunkYardBlues! Who or what in your life has taught you that you, and what happened at the supermarket or the weirdo who tried to pick you up in Arrivals at LHR, are less interesting than other people?

Ooh that's a very good question. Childhood trauma and a narcissistic parent would be the long and short of it. Never feeling good enough, my feelings aren't valid and an ingrained belief that everyone else is more important is the result. It's took me a long time to process, and I now recognise the ' whys,' but I'm a long way off from change and recovery.

Thank you for replying! It’s really difficult isn’t it.

I think because my tone and delivery is poor it just doesn’t lend itself to someone listening. I’ll often find myself in a situation where I’ll say something, no one listens, and then someone else will say the same thing a bit later on.

My mum is the same as your sister and will happily talk in a monologue for hours on end about minute details that I’d never even think to bring up.

I have considered some sort of speech or language coaching, as I do also have a quiet voice which I don’t think helps either.

Ha! Yes, definitely recognise the problem with tone and delivery. I'm softly spoken too, with a rather flat tone. At the root of it, it's a lack of confidence really - expecting people not to be interested, or bored, or apathetic so as soon as we see the 'signs' that our story is not hitting the mark, rather than pushing through regardless, we withdraw and retreat. More successful conversationalist won't even notice their audience reaction - they have something they want to share, so share they will!

You sound exactly like me!

The more I pick up on lack of interest or boredom the flatter I can feel my voice becoming too.

It’s interesting that your sister is so different though as I can see some of my own speech patterns in my sister.

I wonder how we resolve it, does it bother you to a point you want to do something about it?