Please tell me the right thing to do here

[LittleBinChicken]

My daughter is 11. She is kind, clever, quiet, has a good little group of friends at school. She also has another friend in her year who lives beside us. They hang around outside of school a bit and get on well, but they don’t really mix at school (different classes, different friendship groups).

They both joined netball this year. None of the other girls my daughter generally hangs out with are in netball but this other girl is, so thought it would be nice for them to spend some time together in school (they get on well out of school). I was wrong. Netball is a nightmare. The girls are awful to each other.

The worst thing is that this “friend” has started picking on my daughter with another girl. Whispering, laughing, making her feel stupid. All really low level, petty stuff but my daughter came home in bits about last night. It’s so disappointing, to be honest.

My daughter is a nice quiet girl and to be honest probably a bit of an easy target. We have been working on her self esteem. Role playing things she can say. But she struggles in the moment. She wants to quit netball, which is fine with me, but there is a tournament before the Easter hols that she really wants to do, so she’s keen to stick it out till then (and I want to support her in doing that, I’m dead proud of her for that).

My thinking was to speak to her teacher (I really like her teacher) and ask her to just monitor what’s going on but my daughter is adamant this will only make things worse. I know the mum, but feel approaching directly is a bad idea (one of those “my child can do no wrong” types).

What is the right thing to do here? I would really appreciate some advice.

The “coach” is just one of the teachers in the school and she’s been there when this shit is kicking off and does nothing about it.

I'd be having a discreet word with the teacher. I'm sorry this has happened to your DD if this is a sport that she enjoys and I hope that she finds another outlet soon.

I'm not sure, but I was briefly bullied as a teen and my dad told me I wasn't tp stand anywhere near those girls, I was to stand with other girls and out my back to the mean girls. I did it, made friends that stuck and the bullies stopped picking on me.

If you daughter wants to do the tournament, I'd advise her to stay well clear of these girls, teach her how to make an excuse to get away, teach her how to make her energy flow in a completely different direction. I think that's a useful thing to learn around people who aren't nice.

I’d be having a strong word with both the coach and (as this is happened after school) with the other child’s mother.

Is your daughter still friendly with this girl out of school as before? In which case I would discourage it. She doesn’t need friends like that.

No. She is “distancing herself” - has stopped texting her back etc. I think part of my daughter’s upset last night was also anger, she’s furious that her friend could treat her that way.

Surely that’s all the more reason to speak to him/her and explain? And definitely also speak to her teacher.

Well maybe I will approach the coach teacher directly as well, although to be honest I feel like berating her for not doing anything off her own back (I won’t, obviously, but I hate that head in the sand approach).

Well done to your daughter! She is right to be angry and right to draw a line when she might otherwise be trying to fit in with the nasty ones.

Thank you. She’s awesome. I hate that I can’t protect her from this crap.

Your DD sounds very much like she has an inner core of strength. Other kids would likely want to quit altogether when faced with such awful treatment, most especially from someone they thought of as a friend. I can see why you're proud of her OP. Sometimes kids that have been singled out to be treated poorly are able to rise above through their determination to do something they signed up to do, and are able to slowly integrate and become valued, and accepted, members of the team.
Perhaps your DD's response of anger at the unfairness of her 'friend's treatment will propel her forwards to concentrate only on the tournament and get the job done. This other girl liked your DD as a friend, but others on the team decided to pick on her, and she fell in line with that, so she is the weak one. Regardless OP, your daughter sounds like she has inner strength, determination, and won't put up with this treatment if it continues past the tournament. The nature of a team is to bring people together, not apart.

Thank you. Yes, I have explained that this behaviour is all about her friend’s insecurity - she’s trying to impress the mean girls - and that this is nothing to do with my daughter or anything she’s done.

Little witches, the lot of them.

I'd tell your dd life is full of choices but that putting yourself in toxic environments even if you are a resilient person is a poor choice. (I WISH my mother taught me that earlier!!)
An Easter tournament for a sport she wont continue is pointless.
"Drop by drop the cup still fills" etc

I'd pull her out now put her in lacrosse or tennis or whatever instead...