How can I help a friend struggling with very young dc?

[OnceABadMum]

Earlier this week, a friend/acquaintance opened up to me about how difficult they are finding life with 2 young dc - they are 1 and 3.

I want to help her (my youngest dc is 17) and have said I will go over once a week so that the children get to know me and I can give her a break. She seemed delighted with this and I can remember how difficult I found it when my dc were similar ages to get any kind of respite.

I know that asking her what she needs doing might just add to the stress/mental load. For the first few weeks I want to turn up with a vague plan that can be flexible. But then I’m stuck - do I turn up with something to do with the kids? Something to eat?

For those of you in the thick of it, what would be a genuine help and not just another thing to have to think about?

I would have appreciated someone taking them out in the buggy for an hour.

I’d love to do this but the children need to be comfortable with me first do you think? Or am I overthinking it?

edited for typo

Food definitely. And then just time for her to go have a shower. My 3 yr old loved colouring so maybe a cute colouring book with new (washable) crayons!

Hmm, mine are 2 and 4 and I have zero family support and I find it completely overwhelming at times. However, I would not expect a close friend (never mind an acquaintance!) to do childcare once a week for me. I’d be careful you are not being taken for a mug tbh OP.

Where’s the kids dad in all this? Does your friend work?

You aren’t overthinking it. Ask your friend what help she would like, maybe it’s someone to help her take her DC to a play ground, someone to watch them while she does house work, have a bath or just another adult to talk to.

Wow I would love this haha!
My 3 year old has infinite amounts of energy. Personally I'd love someone to take her for a walk/run around/ playground either taking the 1 year old too so I could do a bit if batch cooking or 1 year old staying g home for a bit of 1:1 time with no danger of being run over by a wild older sister.

Dad works away for weeks at a time. Friend runs her own business and is overwhelmed by everything. She needs help and I want to help her I’m whatever way she needs. Boundaries will be there.

eta my own dh works in similar industry and worked away a lot when our dc were little too so I think this is why I empathise with her situation.

Agree on the above - take them out. Or failing that just entertain and supervise them while your friend does what she needs to do/wants to do. Personally (I have an older baby) I'd love someone to take the baby out/sit and play with her while I empty and load the dishwasher, put the hoover around, prepare some dinner, fold and put away laundry, and clean the bathroom. I would also love someone to turn up with food, and insist that I go and eat it alone on my bed then have a bath while listening to my audiobook, and in the meantime they feed the baby her dinner, get her in her pyjamas and read her a story.

I said I’d message on the day to work out a good time for her so I can ask then if she wants me to bring anything or if there’s anything she wants to do that I can facilitate?

just give her some company the first couple times. Play with the kids. Maybe bring food. Bonus points for pre made food you can leave for her to use when you have gone.

when the kids know you take them to the park. Give her a break so she can have a shower or a short nap. But don’t do long stretches of time because you will end up her expecting it/taking advantage.

I had two young and close together and I would most have appreciated company and just entertaining the kids so I could shower. Housework would have been amazing but I’d never get over a friend doing that it would ruin the friendship. Maybe load/unload dishwasher and wipe some sides but nothing bathroom or mums washing. She may love you if you change kids bed.

But don’t do it all at once! One task each visit. The most valuable thing you can be is listening eat and company

You sound lovely! As someone with dc of similar ages (albeit 4 rather than 2!), I think this is so kind and would be so grateful for the support. At first, I would take food that can be heated up later on and something to play with the children so your friend can work, exercise, shower etc if the children are happy to be left with you. The fact you understand asking what helps she wants could add to the mental load shows how caring you are. I think it‘s to ask after the first visit and suggest doing the same each week unless friend has suggestions/ requests for other ways you could help.

I would ask her directly, make it clear what you’d be willing to do ‘how can I be most useful? I’m happy to clean your bathroom, watch your kids here or take them out, keep you company, cook you dinner’ etc. so she feels like she can genuinely take you up on your offer of help. Don’t just go and bring food and hang around with her and the children because she might feel pressured to ‘host’ you or keep you company