Trigger warning- suicide attempt and feeling angry

[treetop122]

I don’t really seem to have anyone I can talk to in real life. I do but I just can’t talk about it.

My Mum has been having a few rough years. Moved away from us and is technically homeless. Living with a friend, with few belongings.

Got a phone call to say she took an overdose. Found out a couple of days after it happened as she was in hospital and I was not contacted.
Initially I was in shock so didn’t feel much. Then I called her and spoke with her. Since there was a delay in me finding out and a bit of shock too.. I didn’t twig that she overdosed on my daughter’s birthday (tween age). She text me to say happy birthday to her that day, so she did remember. Since realising this I feel so angry. So angry that I can’t talk to her and I am raging on the inside. I have text my mum to check in but I can’t shake it that she tried to kill herself on my daughters birthday.
How do I move past these feelings? Am I selfish for being angry with her that she did what she did on my daughters birthday?
I just feel total anger.

Am I a terrible human being?

I can understand your feeling of shock and anger and i think those feelings are normal.
It's difficult for a heathy person to comprehend the thought processes of someone who attempts to take their own life. It is a complex and serious mental illness .
I once looked after a man who attempted to end his own life in way that doesnt often result in survival. He said in that moment he felt there was absolutely no alternative,he described it like being in the twin towers just above the impact zone with hells fire behind you and no way out but to jump , that jumping didnt have any connection to loved ones at all. He recovered physically and mentally and later couldn't understand his decision in that moment. I hope your mum recovers and that you do too.

"Absolutely agree, but of course these experiences are dismissed"

Not sure what you are talking about. No one has dismissed the validity of OP's feelings or her right to be angry and upset. There has however been a few posters suggesting her mum specifically and deliberately chose the daughters birthday for her attempt.

People who themselves have experienced suicide attempts from those close to them have pointed out that suicidal people are not usually rational or that calculating.

A lot of people here are saying you don’t understand. I probably don’t either. But I’ve lived this .. my mother took her own life. 16 years ago. , a few days after my daughter’s birthday. Im
still angry. .. I’m making it my mission now to be strong and make sure my kids never have to experience this.

@Walkden first response to op “With all due respect, (always precursorto rudeness) this isn't about your feelings. What's more important - a birthday or someone's life?”and yes, not usually, but some will use it or the threat of it to control others

The most vulnerable time for a second suicide attempt is the following weeks after a first attempt. You mum needs support. I’m sorry you are going through this 🙁

It would be foolish to assume that they aren’t. That’s a very out dated perspective. Some people are irrational and unaware of anything around them. Others are very clear sighted and know exactly what they are doing.

OP’s mum was well aware it was her grandchild’s birthday, and made her attempt either despite that or because of that.

I think anger is a perfectly valid and understandable response to being let down by your mum. Which is what has happened. She isn’t well and there are reasons for what she’s done that may help make sense of it - but her being not well doesn’t negate that she’s not able to be the mum you need her to be, and that’s very distressing. I hope it’s helpful to express your feelings here and that you have other places you can do it IRL. I’m so sorry, for all of you

I think it's natural to feel anger, I did when one dear friend attempted it but survived and a lovely neighbour who was a friend who died. But the anger passes I think, with time.

Sorry OP, for you all, for you and your family, for your mum. I do so hope she gets the help she needs and can go forward and I hope too you can heal from this awful shock. It is going to be tough going and just want to send you hugs.

"and yes, not usually, but some will use it or the threat of it to control others"

I'm aware that some people threaten suicide as a form of control and it seems like you have some experience of that. You have my sympathies.

In this case, OP's mum moved away and whilst one interpretation. Is that the suicide attempt was a manipulation of her daughter another is that after texting ruminating about granddaughters birthday while sofa surfing in a friend's house with a few Spartan possessions / maybe not being able to afford gifts or babysit in the future ( possibly while drinking? ) was just the final tipping point....

Or maybe people are commenting because they have their own experience with it

Thank you all for commenting.
It has been good to read all of your opinions and your kind words have been lovely.

The validation that what I am feeling falls somewhere in the normal range is good. I have surprised myself with the anger I feel and I have nowhere to put it.
Of course I have been nothing but understanding, sympathetic and supportive to my mum. I am just trying to deal with my own internal reaction and feelings and it isn’t pretty. I don’t think I have ever felt such rage and it does feel like rage.
I am hopeful it will pass.

whats complicated is the road that has got my mum to where she is. It has been a combination of years of bad choices, bad luck, bad things happening to her, being a Victim, not looking after herself, being very selfish. So there is anger there too.
It’s a complicated complex thing and I feel terrible that inside I hate what she has done.

Maybe try to think of it from the perspective it was that it was your daughter's birthday and that she regrets the rift and that she wasn't there to share the birthday and thoughts of that made her feel despairing that triggered, it rather than a desire to spoil your daughter's birthday.

It’s really hard @treetop122 especially when you get made to feel that anything suggestive of anger or frustration at the person who has attempted suicide is dreadful and wrong.

No, it's about her mother's. Full stop. By all means the OP can seek support but the critical thing is focussing on the person who felt low enough to want to take their own life.

And that needs to be done by the professionals

Kindly, even though she knew it was your daughters birthday - and acknowledged it - it’s quite likely than she could be so poorly as to not be able to let that stop her harming herself. It’s less about deliberately hurting you and your daughter - she was ill and incapable of being rational about the ramifications of “after”.

I’m so sorry - this is a hard one, and shows just how wide of an impact suicide can have on a family. You are allowed to feel angry at the situation, I think that is probably normal to feel that way, as well as all the other emotions you will be dealing with.

x

This thread is about OP’s feelings. If you read and understand the OP you will grasp this.

You may believe that having a close relative attempt suicide negates one being a full person with emotions and needs, but it isn’t true.

OP your anger is completely understandable. Your instinct is to protect your daughter from pain, as it should be.

@treetop122 I really feel for you.
You have every right to feel angry, it is a very natural emotion. My family are very relieved that when my mum died recently it was the day after my sibling's birthday - and that was a natural death. It isn't something you want linked. My BIL killed himself and I was so angry that his teenagers had to find him. Having a reminder every year on your daughter's birthday will be really hard. If she had succeeded it would be even harder,
But as someone who has been suicidal, I so genuinely believed that I was a burden, that my teenage children wouldn't even notice that I wasn't there, even if your mum had remembered your daughter's birthday beforehand I very much doubt she would have put two and two together to realise the impact that it would have had on you/your daughter. Please don't let it ruin the relationship you have with your mum.

I think anger is a natural reaction when someone we love tries to kill themselves but you have to remember it is not personal, she has serious mental health difficulties. It's not about you or your daughter it's about your mother.
Of course people who kill themselves or try to are selfish they are so desperate they can't think about anything other than themselves it's the nature of their condition.
I hope she is able to get the help she needs and you are able to move on from this.

My point is that the OP seems to be focussing on a birthday.

Agree with this, discharge means nothing. My MIL told the MH team she was going to do it, she told them how she felt. They discharged her, she did it the next day.

Its a horrible situation, its a roller coaster or emotions. You never know how to feel.