Trigger warning- suicide attempt and feeling angry

[treetop122]

I don’t really seem to have anyone I can talk to in real life. I do but I just can’t talk about it.

My Mum has been having a few rough years. Moved away from us and is technically homeless. Living with a friend, with few belongings.

Got a phone call to say she took an overdose. Found out a couple of days after it happened as she was in hospital and I was not contacted.
Initially I was in shock so didn’t feel much. Then I called her and spoke with her. Since there was a delay in me finding out and a bit of shock too.. I didn’t twig that she overdosed on my daughter’s birthday (tween age). She text me to say happy birthday to her that day, so she did remember. Since realising this I feel so angry. So angry that I can’t talk to her and I am raging on the inside. I have text my mum to check in but I can’t shake it that she tried to kill herself on my daughters birthday.
How do I move past these feelings? Am I selfish for being angry with her that she did what she did on my daughters birthday?
I just feel total anger.

Am I a terrible human being?

With all due respect, this isn't about your feelings. What's more important - a birthday or someone's life?

Suicides (and attempts) can bring up a lot of complex emotions, how you're feeling is very much in the scope of "normal". It might be helpful for you to talk to someone e.g. a helpline anonymously, to help make sense of what you're feeling currently

No you are not being selfish or irrational.
Just because she’s taken an overdose doesn’t absolve her from poor or selfish behaviour. She knew it was her granddaughters birthday and that it would mar every birthday going forward.
was it a serious attempt?

I suppose what I feel is firstly, how could she do that to us and secondly if she had killed herself on my daughters birthday that would be even worse (on top of the worst case scenario).

Firstly, you are not a terrible human being.
You have had the most awful shock and need time to process it and decide on your feelings and attitude.
I know several people, who have committed suicide.
They all had their reasons.
I also know some people, who have tried to kill themselves and not succeeded.
I honestly believe that anyone in this state needs help.
If you are able to, please try and understand why your mother thought this was her only choice.
Are you able to support her or advocate for her in this situation?
Being angry is actually a very good reaction, because it shows you care!

Serious enough to be in hospital for two days in and out of consciousness.
But then sent on her way with the crisis team ringing her and the being referred to mind.
Not sectioned or anything.

This is so completely wrong! Of course it is about the OP's feelings - humans naturally feel all sorts of emotions when experiencing a huge shock like this.

I see why you feel this way, but people who want to take their own life aren't thinking rationally.

Yes its OK to be angry, but you also need to realise that she isn't thinking straight. Would the 'normal her' usually think like this?

I do understand how you feel, but she literally wasn’t in her right mind.

So sorry, it must all be so sad and complicated.

Hi OP- you are not a terrible human being, far from it. The shock of something like this brings so many complex emotions and are very difficult to comprehend as you feel totally overwhelmed.
A very close friend of mine committed suicide after a number of attempts, and honestly? I was absolutely furious with her. How could she cause so much hurt knowingly?!

The thing I had to remember was the person was very unwell at that point in time and not thinking like their “normal” self. The hurt was secondary to their actions- not the intended purpose.
Please take good care of yourself in this situation as best as you can, and certainly don’t blame yourself for what are totally normal emotions in such a stressful situation.
I hope your mum gets the support she needs and that you have some also.

With my absolute kindest wishes 💐

Somebody who is deep enough in mental health crisis, to attempt to take her own life, is not in any state of mind to consider the feelings of others. Imagine being in a place where you want to end your life, that your life is not worth living. You are within your rights to have your own feelings, that’s natural but try not to be angry. It sounds like a serious attempt. Sadly there are not the facilities or trained staff to section everybody who attempts to take their own life.

Do you seriously think someone who attempts suicide is in their right mind enough to think about the effect on future birthdays of a family member?

Every time? Possibly not. Sometimes yes. Depends on the personality of the person. There’s definitely people out there who would do it for that reason.

Sorry OP, to be able to commit suicide you will be feeling immensely distressed. Your daughters birthday wouldn't have felt like a factor of any relevance by that point.

She would have felt in immense pain and suffering to do that.

I suspect your anger is misplaced from other feelings around the attempt.

It’s an excellent indication that in that moment they were not thinking about anyone but themselves.

I think anger is a natural response to a suicide attempt by someone you love. For you the feeling is compounded by it happening on a special day for you, celebrating your daughter's birthday.
I think you should speak to someone about how you're feeling. Don't share your anger with your mum, or tell your daughter about this.

I've experienced the feeling of overwhelming anger with two different family members suicide attempts. The first time shocked me, it felt wrong to be so angry at them, but the feeling faded and things were fine after that (as were they).
The next time I was prepared for the anger.

Also don't measure your Mum's mental health by how long she was in hospital. Mental health services are so stretched that even people who attempt suicide are quickly discharged. It's a disgrace.

Being discharged under the crisis team says more about the NHS than your mother's state of mind. If be surprised if she had been sectioned - having been there myself not so long ago with multiple attempts and an absolute determination to end things, there still wasn't much they seemed to be able to do other than put me under the crisis team for a bit.

I do understand that you are angry, and why. But your mother won't be capable of thinking beyond the emotional pain she's in right now. If suicidal thoughts take over, they utterly consume you - she won't be in her normal state of mind at all. Add to that the fact that many people in this state think others will be better off being relieved of the burden of them. The date of your daughter's birthday was probably beyond her to think of, and if she did think of it she probably thought you'd both be better off without her.

It will bring up all sorts of emotions for you though and these aren't easy to deal with. Give yourself time to process what you feel. But maybe accept that your mother didn't do this because she doesn't care about you. She'll have done it because at that point she couldn't see any other way out.

Exactly

"She knew it was her granddaughters birthday and that it would mar every birthday going forward.
was it a serious attempt?"

A comment like this shows a lack of understanding of how suicidal people think. By the time they get to the stage of taking an overdose they will have convinced themselves they are a burden and their families better off without them. She has moved away already and sounds almost destitute.

Suicidal people are generally not in the right frame of mind to think through repercussions in any logical/ rational way.

‘Sometimes yes’

So you think someone who attempts or does take their own life is in their right mind? Depending on their personality (whatever that means!)

I think a lot of people are commenting on this thread without any actual experience of those left behind from suicide - or attempts of suicide.

You feel how you feel op and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

It may not have even registered with her that it was your daughters birthday. If she was in a poor enough mental state she could have gone into psychosis or anything. You are thinking it was your daughters birthday with a rational mind, her being suicidal, chances are high she didn’t even know what day of the week it was, let alone the actual date.

@DoubleShotEspressox One of the people I know, who committed suicide, was my husband.

Absolutely agree, but of course these experiences are dismissed

I don’t think it’s selfish. It’s an understandable reaction in a complicated situation. I think I’d feel like my mum was making something that was about my daughter or me all about her. If this is a pattern in her life, it will touch a nerve. I can empathise because my mum uses my kid’s birthdays (or at least one of them, not sure she even remembers the other one) as an excuse to contact me and tell me what a terrible person I am.

No doubt it’s possible that her sadness about the poor relationship she had with her family triggered by the birthday led to everything bubbling up. But if you’ve lived with a lifetime of a parent causing drama on important days, it would be extra painful because of the date, even when you care very much for your mum and are worried about her.