Erectile dysfunction in DH - advice please

[thetinsoldier]

Dh has had a couple of episodes of ED over the last month. He’s taken this really badly and thinks he’s ‘broken’ and it will never work again. (Even though we dtd successfully in between episodes.) What can I do or say to help him?

I have said there’s no pressure on him, have suggested swapping him making me come first to PIV first then him making me come…

He’s 65. Never had any ED issues up to now. I’ve said that he’s in the minority, but he doesn’t care.

He can get hard and stay hard for a while, then loses his erection. I have been v supportive but he’s taking it v badly as something that’s essential to his sense of being a man.

He’s on no meds that might affect ED.

Help please, from anyone who has been in this situation.

My husband has the same, same age. I've suggested Viagra but he hasn't done anything about it

Hi @thetinsoldier
sorry to hear this. My husband had this and I've got to say the accompanying attitude made it so difficult for me and I spent 4 years reassuring and placating him.

i imagine your DH is a bit age related and he should prob go to docs to rule out physical issues. Sounds like it's more mental tho as he's able to get one to begin with and then it fades. The fact he's losing it may mean he's worrying and getting a surge of anxiety after a while. This will get worse the more it happens - it's self fulfilling prophecy !!!

He could try viagra? Try improving his diet and fitness levels - start running/ gym etc. he may be suffering from a testosterone drop - it may be possible for him to take some - it's a bit like HRT for men??

also sex counselling is also helpful once he's checked the above. You get homework and the idea is not to put pressure on the man as inter course is not final outcome but all about building up excitement. Helps them relax and enjoy again without the pressure.

I wouldn't be too reassuring and as you end up pandering to him... and then you can get irritated...(well in my experience)... but maybe give him this to do list and if he doesn't attempt any of these potential cures give him hell. I'm sure it will be ok - he has no experience how to cure ED so is panicking xx

At his age he definitely needs a check up from the GP, as it could be related to something else.

Thanks. His diet is pretty good (because I cook healthy food for him!!)! but he’s just been diagnosed with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Not really high, just marginal.

Thanks, @Lilactimes - how did things end up for you?

I wonder if he’s been a bit freaked out by the new diagnoses. High BP definitely means he needs to go to his GP before trying anything like Viagra.

I would be inclined to say something like ‘When you’ve booked the GP appointment, would you like me to come with you or would you rather go alone?’ So an absolute assumption that he is going to see a doctor, but also not taking on the job yourself.

It’s common and worrying makes it worse. Definitely avoid trying after alcohol, also when really tired, plus yes he needs not hang about basically because longevity seems to be a factor. Mornings are definitely better! If he’s on any other meds they could be a factor. Viagra didn’t actually help here

I’ve googled his BP meds. They don’t seem to have a negative effect - and he’s been on them a year, and has been fine.

i just worry that now it’s not worked twice, he will worry that it will never work again…

As he has got high BP - That can cause it. Tbf, he’s done very well to get to 65 before suffering with it - I know many men who started having issues in their 40’s. Get him to try some viagra, it does help!

My DH takes viagra. He was embarrassed at first but has said my attitude towards his ED has helped and he's now not taking it as often.

I think of it like me taking HRT. If I wasn't taking HRT we wouldn't be able to have sex, as it was too painful. I never took his ED as a reflection of how he felt about me.

He takes the viagra less than he used to, which is good because it gave him indigestion. I think his ED was probably physical to start with but it knocked his confidence which made it worse.

I'm very laid back (pun intended) about it all and we're able to joke about it which i think has helped him normalise it.

I don't think men talk to eachother about ED in the same way women talk about HRT and the menopause, hopefully that'll change.

Bring on the blue pills and the HRT I say! Good luck OP!

I told him that, but he’s not reassured…

Thank you, @S0upertrooper. I did compare it to me using lube post menopause, but he thinks he’s not so much of a man any more. 😢

I'm in the same boat as @S0upertrooper in that my husband, who is a similar age to yours OP, had some issues which caused him some stress and anxiety. A quick trip to the doc and some online research and we found it's really common as men get older.

My husband now takes cialis which lasts about 48hrs at a time. It only kicks in if he's aroused so it's not like it's a permanent thing 😉 but it does mean you don't lose any spontaneity at all and it's all very natural. It's been great for us and my husbands has his confidence back.

Hope he finds the confidence to seek help, it's really worth it x

I do think he feels what he feels. I’d be upset if dp equated any symptoms of mine to some of his and said that therefore I shouldn’t have negative feelings about it.

I think it’s normal as they get older? Would he discuss viagra or something with gp if he can take
it with higher bp? Just normal part of aging same as women being dry post menopause

It's probably just an ageing thing (not sure how you phrase that gently!). The good news is with viagra type products these days it's not the problem it was. He should talk to his gp to rule out any fundamental problems and if it's all clear get a prescription.