TW How do I move on from this?

[AutumnLover1990]

I was abused from around the age of 13 to 15 by a neighbour who was also my friend's dad.
My parents never believed me. My dad isn't here anymore and I don't think my mum still believes it happened. They wanted to invite the family to my wedding until I put my foot down.

I've since found out he has died. I feel angry that he was never punished and I'm still angry that my mum never believed me. How can I move on?

With everything Epstein in the news,it's brought everything up again 😞

No one? 😞

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't have any experience of abuse but didn't want to read and run. Your relationship with your mother must be awful I would imagine. Do you really want her at your wedding? Have you sought therapy?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I believe you. I’m so sorry your Mum isn’t there for you when you need her most. Do you have other support around you?

I am just responding because I have been there and while the bastard is still alive I was not believed either (nor his main victim) way back when and while it hurts to think that bastard got away with it I just find myself lucky he did not get to do worse to me. That may be of no consolation at all to you but it is what has kept me going all these years. Im so sorry you went through that. x

Thank you. I'm sorry my post is a little muddled. I've been married for over 30 years. I'm in my 50s now. I should have moved on by now and I thought I had. But I haven't 😞

I've not looked into therapy. I've been on antidepressants on and off ever since.

I’m sorry this happened to you, it may be that your parents did believe you but don’t want to believe that happened on their watch so to speak or take any blame. I don’t think it’s a normal reaction from a parent, if my child came to me and told me this I’d be devastated and more so if the perpetrator had died as I’d want to make them suffer.

I don’t have any personal experience of abuse or therapy but I see that some people benefit a lot from talking it through. I wouldn’t recover from it either, it’s life changing. Does your DH know? is there anyone you can talk to at all in real life?

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I believe you. I'm glad the bastard is dead but so sorry he wasn't punished for what he did to you. I completely recommend therapy and in person support. Please read The Body keeps the score which talks about trauma therapy.

It's very difficult, I was raped from 12 years old in similar circumstances until I put myself in care aged 15. I never told anyone as I know I wouldn't have been believed. I'm not over it either

I'm so sorry 😔 I believe you xxx

My husband has always known. I reached out to another friend and neighbour a few years ago. He had also done the same to her

I'm going to look into getting some kind of therapy. I think I need to.

I'm sorry that happened to you, OP. It's a club with way too many of us in it.

I thought I'd dealt with my own CSA, but I'm only realising now in middle age how much it's affected me in ways I wasn't aware of, throughout my life. I always tried to excuse my parents because I didn't tell them at the time, but I found out only last year that my mother knew at the time because another family member also being abused told her, and she didn't do anything. When I confronted her, she behaved as if it wasn't anything to do with her, and as if she didn't think it was all that bad, and has never mentioned it since.

I'm having therapy. It's important to feel you're being heard by someone, when the person who should be listening to you isn't. See if you can find someone with specialist experience in adult survivors of CSA. See if this organisation is helpful:

https://napac.org.uk/

And I'm contemplating making a report of historic CSA to the police, although my perpetrator is long dead.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I believe you

Do look at getting therapy, having a supportive professional you can open up to and feel heard and validated is invaluable.

I had therapy after a traumatic event (of a different nature to what happened to you) and it really helped me understand my feelings around it, realise that it wasn't my fault in any way, and come to terms with what happened. It was hugely helpful and I rarely think about it any more.

I’m so sorry, for you and for your friend. Your mum bears the shame of preferring not to intervene appropriately.

Getting over it- that’s a tricky one. Firstly I think, accepting your rage is righteous and healthy. We tend to suppress it because it’s inconvenient- we were told to pipe down, don’t cause a fuss. Well, you can cause a fuss if you want to.

Use the NAPAC resource above. Use any helplines and therapy you can access. Consider what you want. You may want to speak to the police. You may want to challenge your mother. You may want to do absolutely nothing apart from releasing all the rage and getting on with the rest of your life.

Then sit with it for a while and decide what to do next.

I hope you can navigate it OP, sending you and all others who’ve suffered abuse strength.

Thank you everyone. I will get through it eventually xx

Going to look into some type of therapy at the weekend and will check out those links you've kindly given me xx

Where I live there is a charity called RASASC (I don't know if there is a regional equivalent in other places). They offer counselling to people who suffered from childhood sexual abuse. They gave me therapy with a specialist for a year. If you have similar where you live I thoroughly recommend making use of the service

I think there are two complementary ways at this. One is direct- all of the stuff directly related to your trauma, whether counselling, police involvement or whatever.
The other is more about looking after your body. I think they may call it somatic therapy. Things where you let your body release stress and pain that it has been holding onto. There are ‘proper’ somatic therapies, but I think it’s also good to just care for yourself- massage, exercise, meditation, scent, candle, chocolate… Self care as a really important focus. I was a foster carer, and it was really therapeutic for the children to be nurtured, cared for, ‘kiss it better’, magic cream etc. Just loving the little girl you were who should have been better looked after. I think it’s really powerful to reparent/nurture/protect yourself in this way.