Is Mother’s Day Difficult For You?

[MarmaladeSandwich7]

I’ve found it quite sad for a few years now as DD17,who’s adopted, never does anything for me. She says it’s a tough day for her, which I can absolutely understand, but I would be happy with a simple bunch of daffs. She used to make an effort when she was little. This year is particularly sad as DM has dementia. I miss how she used to be so much 😢We had the best times together. I bought her a Mother’s Day card the other day & almost burst into tears choosing one.

She’s going to start dreading Mother’s Day if you mope around on the day bursting into tears.

Suggest to dd that you visit your mother and then the two of you head out for lunch together

That’s really sad. I can understand why that’s difficult for you.

I find it hard because I have conflicting feelings about my own mother. I love her but she has mh problems and made some terrible choices and hasn’t been a very good mother overall. I don’t hold this against her and our relationship is quite good now but my sister is in a different headspace. She wants to do a celebration every year (decorations, cake, loads of photos etc). It makes me uncomfortable. It feels so fake. I usually say no to going but I dread having to do that.

I had severe PND. I am sort of ok now, seven years later, but I’m on several ADs and struggle to feel excited or happy on special occasions. Becoming a mother was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and MD just sort of reminds me of that.

I do like getting the little handmade gifts and that though. That part is lovely and I treasure it.

No, but I have young children.
There’s a slight edge as DH lost his mum a few years ago and he’s obviously the one to do things with the DC for me.
I tend to mark the day for him and his mum in some way though.

It will be this year and every year going forward as my beautiful mum died 4 weeks ago. I can't go anywhere near shops at the moment without bursting into tears.
I'm sure your DD appreciates you but I can understand why it's tough for her too. Sorry about your mum, that must be hard
The biggest gift you can give each other is time so maybe suggest a lunch out together somewhere, doesn't have to be on mother's day.
My 17 year old ds will get me a bunch of flowers as my mum always taught him to be thoughtful of me and others. She used to take him to buy me presents and he's being doing it on his own for the last few years.

Yes. My mother is bloody tricky to put it mildly. My DCs are both away at uni so I’ll miss them.

I try not to get to caught up in these silly days tbh. If Mother’s Day is that bad, it’s probably an accumulation of what is going on and has led up to it rather than Mother’s Day specifically being bad as it were. You can invest a lot of meaning in a symbolic day or move past it. It’s clearly traumatic for your adopted daughter, sad though that is for you, and it’s clearly traumatic for you because of your mother. Could you suggest to your daughter that you both do something for your relationship even if it’s to some extent mourning what you don’t have too?

That’s a little harsh - I won’t be moping around on the day. It was some of the words & sentiments in the cards that nearly made me cry.

I dont want to give the cliche answer, where is your husband in all this? Shouldnt he be giving your daughter a kick up the bum to do something nice for you, appreciate shes 17 and should be able to take care of it herself, but he should definitely be nudging her in that direction.

It’s obviously all about the context and not just the day itself. I disagree that you can just choose not to invest in it. People don’t really work like that, otherwise nobody would ever be upset by anything.

Wow I could have written this, apart from having a sister!

Hugs to you, I'm taking my mum for mother's day lunch but I know I'll feel uncomfortable.

I think it's a tough day for lots of people for many different reasons. The MN threads this morning suggest it's no picnic.
A friend's DDad recently died and his FB message sums it up for me: Hug 'em if you've got 'em.

TLDR
My mother lives in my home country. I haven't spent Mother's Day with her in 2+ decades.
In past years, I have spent the day helping DH put on a huge roast for his parents.
My DH died about 2 yrs ago and I'll be spending Mothering Sunday with his mum and my teen DD. His DBro might turn up. I should invite MIL here but I'm lazy and she's invited us to hers so I'll be enjoying someone else doing all the work.

Have you told her how this makes you feel? I'd be inclined to have a full on chat with her about being her mother which isn't always about blood lines.

So it’s a tough day for you and dd. Understandably.

change the narrative. It sounds like you feel the need for support, expressed as appreciation from your dd.

instead make it a day where you support each other. Spend it doing something you want to do, whether that’s going shopping, out for food, white water rafting. Be there for each other, accept you both find the day difficult and find a way to appreciate each other without it being all on your dd.