Did your parents teach you boundaries? If not when and how did you learn them ?

[HavefunGomadLivingInTheCity]

I don't think i had any really until perhaps 30s

When I was younger I felt like I had to answer rude nosy question to be rude etc

Not really.
Wasn't encouraged to say no to unwanted hugs etc from relatives and the one time I didnt enthusiastically hug my nan back as a teen she cried, so that solidified the idea in my head that having boundaries was selfish.
My mum encouraged me to be a 'yes' person with plans, hobbies etc because I was very shy, which was well intentioned but it took me a long time to actually enjoy socialising because I desperately wanted downtime but thought I couldnt turn anyone down unless I already had plans as that would be rude.
My dad ignores and continues to ignore all boundaries, thinks he knows best, regularly tells me he knows best and I should listen to him, played the victim or shouted if I said no. Also shouted at me at the dinner table a lot because I was a fussy eater (fairly standard fussy eating though, hating veg)

But most of all, and I hope anyone debating over leaving a shitty partner reads this - my mum bent over backwards to smooth things over for us kids to shield us from my lazy, angry, stubborn, selfish dad who sure, would say his kids are his world and occasionally do a fun thing with us but was ultimately a shit dad because he shouted instead of parenting and left 100% of everything to my mum because he thought going out to work was enough....
It left me a people pleasing doormat who got into relationships with men who treated me poorly and I struggled to speak up on basic things like 'dont give other women your phone number on nights out'
It has taken years to reprogram myself and my standards and im so sad for young me.
My mum was doing her best until she had enough money to support us by herself, and i dont think she would have forseen this outcome at all, but it screwed up my agency in relationships as I couldnt bring myself to 'upset the peace'

My parents were very clear about and reprimanded things that it was impolite or inappropriate for me to question others about or comment on, and I suppose I learned through that by extension to recognise when a question somebody else is asking is invasive or inappropriate, and tell them so or ask why they want to know. Other than I just learned through experience and maturity: as I grew up I soon found out from peers if I was crossing a line with behaviour or they thought I was being rude or nosey, and when and with whom is a suitable context for something and when isn’t.

I don't know about "boundaries" as such, but I was very strong willed from a very young age.

Even virtually as a toddler I'd not be pushed around, knew my own mind, etc. I remember a couple of instances before I'd even started school (or maybe it's false memory being reminded of them by parents??). Once I was at a relative's house and they asked me what drink I wanted - I told them, but they gave me a different drink, so I just tipped it out over their carpet! Another time, we were having a family walk and my parents asked me to carry one of their coats (I think they were carrying something else), but I didn't want to, so they insisted and I grudgingly took it, then promptly hung it on a tree branch and left it behind and it took them ages to realise and one of them had to run back to fetch it!

I think that set the scene for the rest of my life really. I've never done what someone else wanted me to do if I didn't want to do it. I've never been "pressurised" to do anything.

I've walked out of a few jobs without giving notice etc when I've felt unfairly criticised, or bullied etc. Literally just picked up my stuff and left. Life's too short to accept being badly treated.

I've only had two serious boyfriends, both came along at the same time, so it was basically one after the other then back to the first! The one I "preferred" at the time, was constantly nagging me to do more "sexually" but I wasn't ready. We were going through the different stages as time passed, but he wanted to move through faster than me. I'd have got there in the end, but he was just impatient and he became a right nuisance with his constant pestering and taking liberties. He was never "forceful" nor abusive, always respected my pushing him away or stopping him doing something, but it just really irritated me the way he was always pushing my boundaries. I ended up reluctantly having to ditch him. I went back to the other who was the opposite - but I was so much happier knowing he wasn't going to try it on constantly - in the end, I had to be a lot more assertive to make things happen, but at least it was to my timetable.

Same has happened throughout my adult life really. Whether friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues, even clients/customers - I won't be bullied, won't be pushed around and will ALWAYS do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Like I say, started from a very young age so never really "learned" how to do it, more it was just nature/nurture to be my own person and no a people pleaser!

Oh yes them forced hugs and kisses with grandparents

My mil tried this with my daughter, if my daughter wouldn't give her a kiss or hug, mil would look at me cross and even do a hand gesture like what are you gonna do about this, it was kinda like a point then flip over of the palm inthe air, exp3cting me tp say to dd go on, go kiss granny goodbye.

but i had read about this is a a bad way that confuses a child's body automany
So I just used to ignore mil, but I could tell she was very piss off with me about this, not particularly annoyed with dh, but visibly annoyed towards me

Also regarding your mum smoothing it all over, I think it does kids good to hear their parents saying no to unreasonable things, so I hear you there

I hope your doing well now

Yes I can see how that would be helpful
I never really got taught much at all, I suppose there was a huge lack of information back then

Do you have good relations with friends and family? That image of you as kid tipping the glass made me chuckle

No i was actively encouraged to go along with the status quo / not cause a scene / consider everyone else's feelings. In was often told I was being difficult / people wouldn't like me etc.

I'm now 43 and ive been good at boundaries for about 10 years! I co-parent and needed them for my own mental health...

Yes, because I was born in 1950. Was brought up to be polite, respectful,if you haven't got anything nice to say,not to say anything..

I didn't dare say boo to a goose when I was a kid. My parents were pretty strict.

No. My mum always said you've got to say no and mean it. But I never had a problem saying no. The problem was other people not accepting it, and using it as a start point for negotiating. I learned boundaries from MN - I didn't even know about medical consent before I read it on here.

My parents would ask me to let things slide in public (say with a group of adults) but acknowledged most nonsense with me afterwards.
A compromise was established as I got older that I would only keep quiet up to a point. Then as I got older I was able to disagree openly.

It was a mixture which shifted.

When I fled the nest I had a healthy knowledge of boundaries and reactions. When to challenge when to ignore.

Yes, no problems really. I think people know what I'm like and accept my "quirks". I'm actually very generous, thoughtful, helpful, etc., but just won't be pushed around or imposed upon. If I don't want to do something, I won't! People who know me, know that, so they know not to put upon me nor try to make me do something I don't want to do. No doubt, along the way I will have annoyed some people, but I don't really care!

My DH is a "people pleaser" and it infuriates me the way he gets taken advantage of. He's a lot better than he used to be as I've been "encouraging" him to be more assertive etc over many years, but he's still a work in progress! He's certainly not blindly accepting what he's told by his doctors/consultants since he was diagnosed with cancer and I'm proud of him for doing his own research, asking questions, refusing and challenging some of the suggested "treatments" and being very proactive with all the administrative foul ups he's suffered with his treatment over the past few years! I strongly doubt he'd still be alive today if he'd not taken control of his disease and treatments!

Definitely had strict boundaries growing up. When visiting we had to sit silently and answer politely if a relative asked us anything. Couldn’t answer back to our parents. As teenagers we wasn’t allowed to dress inappropriately if going out. I remember in school when a boy was disrespectful to a teacher and everyone was shocked. At one time my dad told a man off because he swore in front of us, the man apologised. We were brought up to respect others on the understanding that people had to earn respect. How times have changed.
We did have lots of fun growing up and were surrounded with love.

You seem like a very straightforward person and I think peopel respect that, respect Is more important than love or like

Wishing your dh well, I'm sure you've helped him with his assertiveness alot
I really think assertiveness the key, firm yet polite
What I am for

Good luck to you both with his treatment

If people ask me a nosey question I don't want to answer, I ask them why they want to know, if they still push say they say, oh m just wondering ...

I reply oh OK.....

And if they still push say they say so come on then, are you xyz...

I reply that's for me to know and tap my nose
Or say ohh you ask alot of questions don't you ...

It sounds as though there’s a wider issue around the types of friendships you cultivate. I can’t remember the last time anybody pushed me for information like this. If you’re surrounded by people who don’t take the hint the first time, or who you don’t like or trust enough to share information with, perhaps revisiting whether the relationship is bringing positives to either of you would be a good idea.

Absolutely not. 100 times not.

My mother was a people pleaser I guess. She was the youngest in a family that suffered shocking sexual and physical abuse. She acts like a puppy biting for the approval and attention of her sisters and parents. That's what allowed her to survive. Her priority was and always is pleasing her side of the family. She taught me and my sister the same. I'm 53 now for context. I recall my sleazy uncle one Christmas grabbing my arse and a boob and giving me a tongue kiss and saying 'You know what little girls need to be taught by their family?'. i shouted at him and my mother took me to one side and smacked me hard around the face and said 'I don't care what anyone does to you, you be polite'.

I left my home country at the age of 25 because I simply could not deal with the shit I was faced with every day. Even now, when I return home for holidays or whatever my mother insists on a 'happy family reunion'. The last few times I have refused and she has thrown a 'surprise' reunion for me. The last time it happened I told her that if it ever happened again I simply would not come home. That means I get told I am a nasty selfish little bitch who has always been a nasty selfish little bitch.

It took me until menopause for me to realise that she is fucked up, but I don't have to go down with her. She's 77 and has agency of a sort. I went into a massive depression when DS1 was born because for the first time I realised what being a mother was and simply could not comprehend how my mother was literally prepared to see me sexually assaulted, physically assaulted and abused in order to appease her fucking family.

I'm not taking about friends, I'm talking about extended relatives that you thankfully don't see often

I'm so sorry you had to experience all that, what a toxic bitch
So glad you are finally away from all that now
What a cunt

My mum has very poor boundaries. Basically, I had to speak up and sort myself out if I wanted to be okay. So I am a very boundaried, outspoken person, have been since I was a child, when no one else was. So I think I learned boundaries from my family, but only because there was such a vacuum.