How to help DD calm down??

[Hellacute]

Just had a bit of a fraught morning with DD1 (12) and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I need some advise for if it happens again.

DD had a big dance day yesterday. She did 2 shows, started at 11am, finished at 10pm (with a 2 hour break in between). Importantly DD2 (9) did the same day. Both are really tired this morning but they are both going to school. DD2 was fine, DD1 had what I would describe as a panic attack.

Background, this is DD1 last year of primary school and it has been really disrupted. There is one teacher who teaches the 6th class and gets them set for secondary school. She’s gone out sick and there has been a revolving door of subs. After the parents complained the principal has taken over the teaching and is going heavy on the “things are going to get a lot harder from here”.

I think this morning was a mix of being tired and worry about school but she was crying and breathing fast. I tried talking to her - she didn’t know what was wrong, I tried giving her space - she wanted me with her. I got strict at times - you need to get your shoes on for school. I asked her to try breathing with me or doing the 5 things you can see etc and she wouldn’t do it. I just didn’t know what to do for the best. She calmed down slightly when i was rubbing her back but started again when I told her to get her shoes on for school.

Luckily I got her to school and we met the new SET in the yard who took her and was lovely.

I’ve just called the school and she’s settled and the teachers are going to keep an eye on her today.

Any advice on how to handle if it happens again.

We use strategies from zones of regulation it gives suggestions for different emotions/reactions. 5 Deep breaths, a drink of water, cuddling something . If it’s beyond those strategies then grounding techniques can naming 5 things you can see.

I know that there's an eye roll on here when people jump to asd but truly she sounds like me at that age.
I could mask fairly easily at primary school, but I fell apart when it came to secondary school, primary school is quite gentle and accommodating, and there's room for regulation when overwhelmed, in a way that isn't there at secondary level.
If I'm around people a lot even now I need lots of time to decompress otherwise I become overwhelmed and have panic attacks.
It sounds like she had a busy people day yesterday and is also struggling with uncertainty contemplating moving school, and also with a revolving change of teachers.
I have to have predictability and certainty otherwise the wheels come off, and panic attacks ensue.
Has she given you cause for concern before?
Obviously I don't know you or your daughter but I do know that girls with asd often go under the radar because they mask really well, until they don't, and it's made me very very ill at times.

I've had panic attacks that a lot of people didn't understand. I'd ask your daughter what she thinks might help.

In my case, the best thing to do is to leave me to it (people would stare at me in horrified fascination as I went red, hyperventilated, had tears streaming down my face, and ran out of the room), rather than trying to hang onto me (I overheat) and telling me to breeeeeeathe (I AM breathing, but because I'm hyperventilating, it's just happening too quickly!). I calm down much better on my own, so... different things might work for different people!

You need to do these calming techniques when you are calm first. You practise them a lot so you can then use them when you are anxious. You can’t just use them as a one off when you’re anxious. It also sounds a hugely tiring day.

Drinking water is something I didn’t think of. Will remember that. And cuddling something as well.

She was like this when she was young (like 4/5). She would get overwhelmed easily on play dates or people playing with her toys but since then she’s always seemed fine. Doing well at school and a good friend group.

I think part of the problem this morning was she didn’t know what would help and neither did I. She was asking me to help but neither of us knew what to do for the best.

Ok. So practice when she’s calm so she can do it if she gets overwhelmed. We can do that.

Yes to practicing when calm. With breathing the trick is to make the exhale longer than the inhale - so breathe in for 3 and out for 4, it helps reset cortisol levels, or box breathing so inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Both breathing patterns help but she needs to get in the habit of using them when she’s calm so it comes automatically when she’s stressed.

Drinking cold water, sucking on a strong mint, physically moving (eg jumping on a trampoline or dancing), using a nicely scented hand cream - basically anything that engages her senses and changes her physical state will help.

Another thing that can help is journaling - there are some nice child friendly journals where you do a bit in the morning and at night. They’re structured to focus on gratitude or affirmations but it’s actually the process of self reflection that helps. Basically introducing tools to help maintain her stress levels rather than fire fighting when she’s in crisis. It may be that a full day like the one she had is beyond her capacity right now, so avoiding things that will tip her over is important.

@Hellacute you say she was overwhelmed when younger, but that's maybe because she hadn't learnt to mask yet, I'm honestly not trying to be dramatic, but I recognise what you're describing.
To all intents I seemed 'normal' at school I had friends and could get along by masking, but as soon as I came home I was exhausted and needed lots of decompression time, if the day had been particularly overwhelming I'd have panic attacks the next day like you describe your daughter having, to the point of vomiting, the only thing that helps me even now is alone time, I just can't do people lol.
Maybe you can speak to her later about how she's feeling generally, I was/am dismissed all the time for being sensitive /dramatic, it doesn't help matters, I know that the only way to help is to get away from everyone and calm down in my own time. It has caused me massive problems in my life because obviously avoiding people all the time is problematic, but a lifetime of dismissal and being misdiagnosed as depression, anxiety hasn't helped. Professionals are reluctant to diagnose girls even now because they present differently, they are also masters at masking, so they don't cause problems at school generally, and go under the radar.

Thanks all. She's home from school and says she's fine. Apparently the principal talking to her this morning, which she didn't want. But he kept an eye on her in class to (he's her teacher).

Maybe something like this might help?
https://thecalmnesscrew.com/?srsltid=AfmBOor84iTffYE4Mz9GuORyXdQ0sIWe6yC615j_xZuv3Whg9L-lnQaZ