How to cope with people who are never satisfied

[PurpleSky300]

My relationship with my Dad is very strained and one of the main reasons that he is just so consistently, endlessly ill-mannered! When we meet up or go out to eat, he complains about everything. An endless litany of:

"Is it empty because it's crap?" / "I bet they serve frozen muck" / "I bet it's Happy Shopper Cola" / "I don't want to be near other people listening to my conversations" / "I hope I'm not near screaming kids" / "I'd rather have gone (anywhere else)". And this is usually after he has chosen a specific place. He will say, "I want a burger" or "I want steak" and I'll find somewhere that does that and it's just never right. He'll taste something and then make a face or spit it out like a kid, wipe his nose on his sleeve instead of in a tissue, etc.

He also seems to have endless interpersonal problems. Everyone at his GP practice is an 'idiot', everyone at work is "sucking up to management", his poor Mum is "deaf as a post", etc. He has not got a good word for anybody.

I'm sure it sounds condescending but it is comical to me that this guy, who has lived on booze and doner kebabs all his adult life, now acts as though a Nandos or a Toby Carvery is beneath his station. He once refused to go into an Italian chain restaurant because he did not know what "sautéed mushrooms" were.

Part of me feels angry, part of me feels sorry, part of me thinks that his life is crap enough without me causing arguments. But the more it goes on, the more I just think, "Why are you like this, why did you never learn better than this." He has lived such a small life that a word in a different language on a menu is something baffling to him.

He sounds like a drain. He will suck the life out of you.

Drained is exactly how I feel. And even if I say, "Do you ever stop complaining?" or, "Do you have to be so rude?" he just shrugs as if to say - I guess not. If I spoke my frustrated thoughts aloud, I'd go too far and he probably wouldn't speak to me again.

See him as little as possible. He won’t change. My mother makes bitchy judgmental remarks about waitresses or makes put down comments about what I’m wearing or my hair. He sounds dreadful.

It’s not your job to satisfy other people. By engaging or even entertaining it, you’re allowing yourself to be drained and taking on some of the responsibility for how they’re feeling. Shut it down and redirect.

As a recovering people pleaser, I stick by the mantra: not your circus, not your monkeys.

My parent started doing this and looking back, their dementia must have been starting then. (Not saying that’s what’s happening to your Dad)

It’s horrendously draining and depressing. Everything is a problem, or inadequate somehow, even things people have spent time and effort on on their account.
I wish I had a solution to offer, but you have my sympathy.

He sounds foul OP, sorry.

Has he always been like this? How old is he?

My mother can be like this. It’s the main reason I don’t see her much. She won’t change, so I’m not having her spoil the time we do have.

My MIL was like this. It's just that she had the habit of complaining. She hadn't really grasped how relentlessly she was doing it. One day we were driving down a road and my eye was caught by a huge, beautiful tree that was swaying gently in the wind, dappling sunlight against a window and she immediately said "I'd hate to live there with that thing blocking out the light". I just put my head down and laughed and laughed and laughed. Because it's actually ridiculous! Come on!

So I did then say to her, try to say one positive or neutral thing first, before you start laying in. Let's budget it! And I think she shocked herself once she noticed how absolutely awful she was about everything and everyone. It is just a habit of mind she got herself in.

Is it just their inner unhappiness seeping out or something? Why do people do this?

I can't imagine going through life, expecting everything to be exactly to my liking. Of course sometimes a place might be a bit full or a bit loud... it happens. I don't give it any thought. I would never complain that something "cheap and cheerful" wasn't gourmet.

Honestly I feel saying "Stay in your house then", because he just moans about every single thing in the outside world. It's like if Goldilocks were a 58 year old man.

I would stop inviting him out, just visit him at home and that would be it. It was draining just reading the sample of complaints.

My grandad got like this as he got older. I remember once dropping him off a sandwich I’d asked if he’d like, he’d said yes then phoned me later while I was at work to tell me he didn’t like it and to tell me all the reasons why. I loved him dearly but he would drain me with those things so I just stopped offering.

if I were you I’d do similar and stop putting yourself in the situation, tell him he doesn’t seem to enjoy going out to eat so it’s best you don’t. Eating out is expensive now why should you waste money to go out and him spoil it?

Yes, but it seems to have escalated in recent years. Or maybe I just noticed it more. It seems like the list of things that he deems to be 'okay' is getting smaller, and he dislikes other people more than he used to. He's 58.

The next time he says it respond with "Dad, no matter where we go or what we do, you are full of complaints and crticism. Nothing and no one seems to give you any pleasure. I shan't be coming out with you again, I've had enough if it". And then reduce contact to the levels you can tolerate.

He's only 58 - he's younger than me! OP this can not by 'excused' as an age thing - it is a personality thing. Some people are drains. My MIL is - nothing is ever good enough, it wears you down. Stop going out to eat with him, it is wasted effort to put pearls before swine. With MIL we have limited contact and just laugh about her negative nonsense afterwards.

Just see him at home, and tell him why?

It's not an age thing - I'm in my late 50s and love going out for a meal! Frankly, any meal that I don't have to cook or clean up after is a bloody bonus 😂

I think complaining is a habit. It's good that you challenge him but maybe you need to be a bit more assertive? Something like 'Dad, your constant complaining is ruining the meal for everyone else! Please try and be more positive. It's hard to enjoy your company when all you do is moan and complain!'

If he's still not even trying after that, I would stop inviting him out and maybe pop in and visit him at home for short visits?

It becomes a habit and then ingrained. Just visit at home. If asked why you don't go out with him explain why.

I agree that it’s just habit for some people. Have to drag everyone and everything around them down. I‘m happy to say “bloody hell goldilocks, are you complaining again?” I did have to point out to my DM that I wasn’t going out for a meal with her again because all she does is moan about it every time. I don’t think she’d realised what a bad habit it had become.

It’s not an age thing. I’m a similar age yp your F and absolutely love going out with my DC. In fact I’ve booked tickets for a night out when they’re home only this week.

My M is also very negative so you do have my sympathy. Just stop taking him out. It’s not obligatory and it doesn’t sound as though either of you enjoy it.

See him in his own home once a week or so and when the moaning gets too much you can just leave.

How to cope with people who are never satisfied?

All that complaining that he does, I bet he complains about you behind your back whatever you do to try and keep him satisfied. My dad was like this too.

The only answer to your question is to see as little of them as is humanly possible. They'll never change and will always drag you down.

When my dad died I was sad of course but in some ways it was so freeing. The weight of hi constant disappointment with life was a yolk around my neck.

He's only 58! My dad was the same and didn't improve as he got older, but now I'm the same sort of age and it baffles me.

Yeah my FIL was the same. Very unpleasant to be around.

no advice beyond try to spend less time with him, sorry. FIL never changed.

It sounds that life hasn’t panned out the way he wants it to be for whatever reason so you’re right to feel a bit of pity for him. But it is SOOOO draining. Have you tried agreeing with everything he says? My mum cottoned on to me when she was going through a bad patch and actually improved. All I used to answer was Hmmm, really? Or Oh dear, that’s a shame. Or Do you think so? Or You’re right etc. All said in an offhand way that isn’t the response they want.

It’s thought ill mannered to say out loud what many of us are thinking.