Do I still have time?

[BluberryNightshade]

So I'm 40, child free (not by choice), recently single and trying to figure out if having a child is possible for me.

• Until recently I worked overseas. I'm renting a room in a shared house to keep costs down, amd hoping to get on the property ladder.
• I'm also completing a Masters, this should be done around May next year.
• I'm open to donor egg and donor sperm IVF, I have researched costs etc and can afford it
• I'm also open to adoption (my preference tbh)
• Once my MA is complete, I want to go abroad again. But if I do this, I'll be like 42 by the time I start IVF, which feels quite late. I'm also worried about maternity laws and not being protected legally while overseas
• But if I stay in the UK, I'd obviously have to find a place to live by myself and tbh flathunting has been a nightmare, everywhere gets snapped up super fast

Can anyone advise on what to do? I feel like I'm just not in a stable place right now, but I also don't want to put off starting a family any longer.

Do mean go abroad to live and do ivf there? Or to go temporarily travelling? If you want any chance of a baby your need to start the process as soon as is physically possible. Time and biology is not on your side.

Yes, to live. Not to travel.

I think you have to decide..and fast... what you really really want.
Motherhood isn't easy, solo even less so and you really need a supportive network around you for the tough times. There are always tough times.

Realistically (yes I know there are outliers but unless you know you have the fertility of a 25 yr old, chances are yours is waning) you need to crack on with it if you want a baby, because your chances decrease with every passing year (and clinics willing to try)

And you want to go abroad again...more than a baby or less so? If being free to travel is very important to you...then don't have a baby! Babies make travel 100x more difficult, (even the smallest need a hell of a lot of stuff with them) Will your desire to travel magically disappear at 42, or will you stop to try for a baby and hope it's not too late?

And you definitely need a stable base, not a shared room! (and some sort of income)

I'm sorry, this is all a list of negatives, but it's also realistic. I'm sure someone will be along shortly to tell you they had a baby mid 40s while backpacking the world, but for most people, a baby is a massive seismic life shift that takes all your previous ideas and bins them. Something will have to give...just depends what matters most to you! But if it's a baby, get somewhere stable and crack on with it sooner :)

I don't know enough about adoption, so can't really speak to that bit - but, do you have a sense of your chances of being approved? My understanding was that if you have very recently done IVF they tend to ask you to wait a bit, to be sure you're not feeling grief for a biological child. I'd check this as I am not sure.

With the IVF - I think if you want to do it, you need to crack on. There's a big difference between 40 and 42 if you're using your own eggs. If you were to use donor eggs, it wouldn't matter anything like as much to wait.

Forgive me asking, but would you be financially secure enough with a child? You must have some reserves or you wouldn't be able to afford IVF, but it sounds as if you're not totally stable in terms of work (what with the MA). What would your backups be?

Absolutely not dissuading you, btw. I did IVF aged 40, single, and I lost my job mid-way through and did not let it put me off. But I did think very, very, very carefully about lots of different contingency plans around money and careers.

(Also agree very much with @Sonolanona.)

And the same applies if it's to live abroad, not just travel! (and add in, do you speak the language, how do you envision bringing up a baby in a different country/culture)?

You should start now not later being +40.

I'm not planning on backpacking, I want to return to the continent i lived on before and build a life for myself there. I would use donor eggs if I went through IVF. It's just I don't know what to do - life here is expensive, I can earn up to 4x my salary overseas. So I will have much better stability if I leave the UK. But then doing IVF abroad, I don't know.

So difficult to advise but in your position I would finish my masters, use the money set aside for fertility treatment to get a mortgage/stable and secure housing and then commence adoption if that's what you'd prefer. IVF at 40+ is statistically likely to be unsuccessful. I wish you luck with whatever decide.

Please don't answer if you don't feel like it - but why donor eggs?

If you are using donor eggs, the chances of success with IVF go with the donor's age, not the person getting pregnant, so I think you would have more time.

I get the point about stability and money abroad. But it does sound very isolating. And would you be eligible to adopt there? I know I don't know a lot about adoptions, but certainly friends of mine who adopted in the UK were quite tied to home for a while because their child still has some contact with some members of his birth family, and my understanding is that was part of the adoption conditions. They couldn't have just upped and moved abroad with him, at least early on.

What made you come back to the UK now? Do you think you’d feel settled abroad if you move back again? I think it’d be very tough moving with a baby. The 4x salary might not be so relevant if you can’t work at all as you’re having a baby. I’d get on with things here.

I came back hoping dating would be easier. Hasn't worked out though. Obvs I'd have maternity leave if I did all of this abroad.

No, adoption wouldn't be possible abroad. And I don't think it's advised to move overseas with adopted children as it can cause them distress. So I guess that option isn't as straightforward either.

If you can afford to, have IVF with your eggs now. I'd go and sign up to a clinic immediately. If you are unsure though, perhaps look to adopt in a few years. I wouldn't be trying ivf by yourself in a few years. Having done it much younger than you, it is grueling (but worth it) and babies are exhausting, in your shoes I'd do it quickly or not at all.

Now isn't possible. I'm studying. I won't be finished until next year.

Why can't you do it alongside the MA?

I’ve got to agree with the point about earning more money abroad. That’s all well and good… but being a parent is HARD. You cannot put a price on a support network. Trust me. Where is your network?
Plus you have to think about the cultures of where you would be and whether it’s somewhere you’d want to raise your child. Are employers understanding of sudden emergency leave when your child is sick or are you able to be dismissed for it? You’ll be a single mum and children are ALWAYS getting sick so all of that time off will be fully on you to take.
I don’t think adoption is really an option for you if I’m honest. The requirements are super strict and your life isn’t very settled at the moment. Plus it can take a long time to find a suitable match.
I’d think long and hard about your reasons for wanting a child and whether you are potentially willing to give up aspects of your career and freedom to travel to do it. The “women can have and do it all” thing is a lie when there’s a life more important than your own to think about. Your heart might be abroad but if your child’s best interests are in the UK then you need to be prepared to give up those ambitions.

If I move abroad I go back to where I lived before. I have a whole network of people there. I could also afford a nanny.

I actually have less of a support network here. And less money. So yeah. Going overseas makes a lot more sense to me, in many ways. Schools are better, too, and my contract is likely to cover the fees as a perk.

Oh, that makes a whole lot more sense then!

Btw, if you're already thinking about donor eggs/sperm, would you consider an actual donor embryo? I know someone who's just had a baby through embryo donation and I do think if it's possible, it sounds like a good solution when there are people who don't want to discard embryos created during IVF.

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