How do you know when you’re one & done?

[Fancypudding]

I think I am but I would love to hear thoughts of others. I have a 10month old and find parenting stressful and overwhelming. I’ve realised just how important sleep is to me and how I really struggle to function on so little. Although I love my baby so much, I do find myself feeling very low and tapped out on a daily basis.
I feel sad at the thought that they might not ever have a sibling and resent me for it later on down the line.

Hi @Fancypudding I think with a 10 month old it might be too early to call. I absolutely didn’t want anymore until my son started to get a bit more independent at 2.5. By independent I mean I could sit in a lounger in the garden while he roamed around the garden without having to follow him everywhere. I really struggled with the baby stage and how limiting it is, I’m pregnant with number 2 currently and the thought of going through the baby stage again is quite scary but I also have the benefit of hindsight this time and know how quick it goes and that it does get easier.
That said, you might not change your mind and that’s ok too. Nothing wrong with being one and done.

Edited to add I know a few people who were an only child and most were glad for it!

I kind of knew when ds was around 2. Ds was a lovely 2 year old. We decided to take the plunge for another, had unprotected sex once, and I woke up from a nightmare about labour. We pulled back (as it were). Then Dh had a relapse of his mental health problems, saw a new psychiatrist who told him he could definitely have another kid if I did ALL the nighttime waking. He presented this as good news. I basically refused penetrative sex for the next six months until Dh had a vasectomy.

The bad news is that you don’t get to have no regrets, either way. I have definitely wished that ds had a sibling, sometimes very passionately. But I’m pretty certain that, overall, it was the right decision for us as a whole family.

There’s no rush though; you don’t have to do it now, or in a year, or in two years. Just be kind to yourself.

I think the heart knows what it wants, or whatever the saying is? 10 months is still so little that you have time to change your mind if it’s just the baby bit you’re less keen on. But if you only want one - that’s a totally reasonable and legitimate choice. Do not feel bad about it.

I knew as soon as my eldest was born that I wanted three more, and have never wavered from it really. Currently have three.

You need to give it time, see how you feel in a year or so. There is also nothing wrong with having an only child.

I know who a couple who hesitated for 8 years before having their second. So whatever works for you.

There wasn’t a particular moment of realisation for me - I just never felt broody again after having DD (now 10), and being a one-child family has always felt right for us. I think 10 months is probably a bit early to be certain either way though, as you are still in the thick of it. See if you still feel the same in a year or two. Having one child is an entirely legitimate decision if that is what you eventually choose!

Practically I thought about our finances for affording clubs, holidays, uni, house deposits etc, and more short term difficulties like my sleep, how hard I found pregnancy/birth/first few months, my age/less energy for preschool years etc
Emotionally I never felt that intense longing for another baby and I couldn't imagine our family with a younger sibling. It didn't fit somehow.
It took a years to decide before we made permanent birth control choices

I was two and done. I always knew I wanted 2 dc. As soon as 2nd was born, like I mean literally three minutes later, I was like, right, that’s me done! I’ve never had the desire for another and the one time there was an oopsie and I thought I was pregnant (I wasn’t), it filled me with sinking dread.

I think there is a big difference between never wanting more children and not being able to fathom having more now when you’re in the trenches still. I absolutely would not have wanted a 2nd when my first was only 10 months. I needed to get back to work and have a few years of getting back to normal life and travelling and Dh and I having time together again and sleep and building up some savings.

I didn’t feel ready to even contemplate it until eldest was about 3.5. There is a very intentional 5 year age gap between ours and that’s been great.

Well, because it never occurred to me, before or after DS, to have another. To me it was a weird idea.

I kept an open mind till ds was about 2. At that point I was su much enjoying the things we could do together and as a family that I just knew I didn’t want to limit his wee toddler life with a new baby. I am not close to my sibling so didn’t feel it would be guaranteed to be worth it. And I was definitely not broody or wanting a baby for me.

I was always fairly sure I was one and done, so much more so now when things are chill with my 4 year old and I see others with child 2 who is 2 years (or so) younger and the mums are stressed out and fighting for their lives.

I like knowing we can do any activity and I don't have to think about money and expense. I also like how I can put my daughter in 2 activities and not have to do the same for non existent second child. Instead husband and me have hobby nights 2 nights a week instead which I suppose would have otherwise been a child activity night.

We also took her on holiday for a month recently. We timed it before she starts school in September. Wouldn't have been able to do it really if we had a younger one too. Even things like camping is easy. I'd even be confident enough to take her on my own.

I was certain I only wanted one up until the first arrived for very good practical reasons, then I was almost instantly certain I wanted a second even though it conflicts all my very logical reasons for sticking with 1. I reckon if you're pretty sure you in your gut don't want another, that's as good as knowing. You're allowed to chance your mind though!

It took us a while to come to the conclusion that we wanted a baby in the first place and neither of us comes for a huge big family so having siblings was never something we would see as mandatory. Why my sister has three children, I never really thought that this would be actually a very good idea.

DD was a difficult baby and I had quite bad PND, the idea to go through all this again was not something I ever wanted to face. So it became quite automatically a decision between us that DD would be a single child.

I also enjoy my work, had opportunities for promotion and projects, DH travels also a lot for his work as well. We have no family locally so it was just us to who had to juggle everything on our own.

Because I
1.
Had a difficult pregnancy.
2.Traumatic Labour.
3 PND.

Ds is 12 now and dont regret my decision for one minute.

When the thought of another fills you with genuine dread. In my experience anyway

It’s just way too early to call for you - your baby is still tiny! I was sure I wanted 2 but even then couldn’t contemplate it when DC1 was 10 months. Apart from anything else I couldn’t bear the thought that my attention would be split away from him! In the end we had a 2.5 year gap - I had expected it to take longer to conceive - and it was too soon.

I think 3-4 is ideal. As it is, we thought we were done after dc2 and have gone back and forth for years but now going for dc3 with quite a big gap (kids would be 8 and 6) so you never know!

DS was a good sleeper and I still found it hard in the first couple of years. The consultant gave me earache about not have prenatal tests as I was old at 38. So I felt one and done as risks increase with age. Also I had seen DB & DSIL bring up 3 boys (they were about 9-14years then) and I knew I absolutely would not cope with that many. Nephews are lovely young men now.

I didn't want a second until my first was 5. I now have two grown children with a 6.5 year age gap. If you'd asked me when my first was 10 months old, if I'd have another, I would have vehemently said no!

The decision was taken out of our hands. Couldn't conceive no 2. Referred to hospital gynaecology and diagnosed with premature menopause.

I started very late in life, and miscarried the second at nine weeks, so didn't try again. DC is now 27 and hasn't ever expressed a wish for a sibling.

It’s a hard one.

I had ds during Covid; the pregnancy and subsequent birth were not very pleasant. I then went on to have dd two and a half years later and it was so much nicer: we did a newborn photo shoot and baby sensory and baby swimming.

But … my friends have all stayed at one. And their lives are so much calmer. They have their lives back now, unquestionably, in a way I don’t and probably won’t for some time. But then I look at dd and I have so much love and pride for her. And for ds of course; I can’t imagine not having one of them but just the same, two kids is bloody hard work and I often feel like they both miss out, tbh.