Giving up on a dream...

[LesDamesAuxCamels]

A family member is still hoping for national level success in something they are very good at, but they keep not quite getting there. It's got to the point where it's looking pretty unlikely, to be honest, but they've invested so much and worked so hard it's really hard to let the dream go.

Have you or someone you know given up on a dream after years of hard work and focus? How do you let something like that go?

Acting is the obvious one but could be music, art, sport or any of those highly competitive fields where many people have talent, work hard and dream of success, but few can actually make it. How do people move on from that huge level of commitment? How do they replace that focus and dream afterwards? I just can't imagine it being anything other than really painful, but does there just come a time when you realise it isn't for you?

Anybody?

I've given up on loads of long term dreams, short term dreams, good, bad and stupid ideas and the like. I got to the top, nationally, on one though. Don't do it anymore though. Moved onto being 'good enough' at something else. Will probably start again but not competitively any more.

Giving up guarantees failure. That's it. If they're really determined and they're willing to go so far as to put everything at risk to achieve it, leave them to it.

If the goal is genuinely impossible, they'll figure it out in their own way. The best thing you can do is be around to support them if it doesn't work and the failure breaks them. No I told you so's, just listen.

Two good responses, thank you.

The dream can change

So say it’s tennis, and they might have to accept being a professional player is not going to happen, they can become a coach, still play and earn money from tennis just not the big prize money.

They clearly have a passion and skill, giving up the gold medal dream doesn’t mean the whole dream.

Yes, I know lots of musicians who teach and are in bands for fun so I guess that works in different areas too.

I had a friend who desperately wanted to make it as an actress. She tried for decades. I found myself thinking thank god I don’t care about anything that much! It was heartbreaking

It often depends what else is available to you. I once dated a guy who was just outside the money in tennis. He quit trying to make it on the pro tour aged 21, went to Uni and went into banking but I think it was an easier decision because he was super academic so there was a really attractive alternative available to him. But it's still hard because it's like giving up what you're "known for" so like losing part of your identity.

Yes, I have. I worked so hard during my teens to be excellent at a sport many of us hoped would become an Olympic event. By my early 20s, I had to accept that it wouldn’t happen while I was at the very top of my game, and so even it did, I would not be selected. But I carried on participating and training until I had my first child, and then realised I was happy enough to take part for fun - the drive had gone. It was mever, however, a case of if I can’t be an Olympian, I don’t want to be as good as I can be, more that as good as I could be became good enough to enjoy it without putting pressure on myself that my ‘good’ had to be better than everyone else.

I don't know the answer to that. I'm a firm believer in fail, fail and fail again but never give up. I've failed my degree twice. There were life circumstances but it's also a subject a bracket above my IQ range. Still... I'm considering giving it one last shot this year. I don't think I'm ready to give up

I think it helps when none of your dreams involve "being the best at something", because that dream is not only so difficult to achieve, but even when you are the best at something, it is incredibly stressfull and hard to maintain.

My dreams have always been related to what I want to achieve for myself, without comparing myself to others. I have been lucky in this sense.

I read that and feel full of admiration - I think to keep going and get it third time will show such perserverance it will be a massive achievement, probably more than for someone who sailed through first time. I hope you find a path to enjoy it and that it flows better for you this time.

It's very heartening to hear that you found a way to enjoy it and be good at it without having to be the best at it. That sounds very healthy.

Thank you I appreciate it

Don’t give me too much credit. I still - 50 years on - have occasional twinges of regret and moments of ‘what if I’d put in 5 more years of hard graft?’ No fool like an old fool 😂