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How do you deal with a friendship disappearing?

3 replies

Treebirdtree · 07/03/2026 07:52

I've had a friend who I met at a baby class when our first DCs were newborns. Although we met through being parents we developed a close friendship apart from that - going out regularly for drinks, meals, weekends away etc.

Our first DCs are now 13 and over the years I've supported my friend through a complete marriage breakdown, the death of one of her parents, issues with her new boyfriend. And by support I mean spent many, many evenings talking to her about her issues, had her children when needed when she was dealing with something - just been there for her whenever she needed.

Last year I started to have issues of my own (one of my parents died, one of my DC had health issues, I had my own health issues) and my friend just didn't support me in the same way. There would be the occasional text check in and when we met for a drink she would ask a couple of questions but then the conversation would switch back to her - and she really didn't want to go out as frequently as we had before.

I know some of it is maybe my fault for being too available when she wanted to talk, but I felt really hurt by the change in our friendship and her inability to be there for me when I really needed it. I've adjusted the friendship in my mind now so I don't arrange to see her/text her nearly as often, but I still feel quite hurt and angry by how it played out. I also feel like a lot of my mum friends have fallen away as our kids have started secondary school, which is absolutely fine but because I work full time I suddenly feel like I don't have a lot of friends local to me (I still have school/uni friends, but they're scattered across the country) and it's knocked my confidence in building new friends.

How do you deal with friendships changing/ending? And how would you deal with the anger I still feel towards my friend about her inability to be there for me when I needed it? And any tips for how to gain confidence on new friendships would be very gratefully received!

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 07/03/2026 07:57

Regarding the support, some people are better listeners than others, and at providing support. Maybe you’re one of them. Just because she didn’t show the same level of support, doesn’t mean she’s not a good friend.

Regarding moving forward, time to develop your own interests away from the children, expand your horizons, start a new hobby or reconnect with ones that have drifted away due to having kids.

Ketley67 · 07/03/2026 08:00

The exact same thing happened to me. I lost 2 ‘mum’ friendship groups when the kids went to secondary school. They meant a lot to me as I was relatively new to the area. These mums were local so they all fell back into their previous friendships when the mum groups were no longer her needed. It wasn’t personal though so i brushed it off really.

The big one was my friend of 30 years dumping me. She said we’d drifted apart. We hadn’t, well I hadn’t, is always been there for her. It felt like a berevement, 3 years later and I still feel the loss. I’m definitely grieving.

I'm guessing we just need time to get over it and then a bit like dating, just put yourself back out there, join hobby clubs etc. Unfortunately I’ve had huge health problems in recent years so I’m actually taking a step back from making friends. I just haven’t got the energy. Best of luck, it’s not easy!!

Unfenced · 07/03/2026 08:22

Bluntly, OP, that’s not really how friendship works. For whatever reason you decided to put your own stuff to one side for what sounds like an extended period and centre her problems, and she made a different choice. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you.

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