Life will change in September. WWYD?

[AuADHD]

My son starts secondary school in September so the 3 hours it takes to walk him to and from school will be “free time” for me. I’m my mum’s carer and I’m there 4-5 days a week between around 9.30/10am to 1pm during the week with one day at the weekend where we spend most of the afternoon together as family time but also doing jobs like gardening which ds enjoys helping with. When I'm not at my mum’s I’m often shopping, emailing, taking her to appointments or organising them and social things too.
Last summer I burnt out and it took me until the new year to feel relatively normal again.
I’m a single parent of 3 with my eldest being an adult with significant MH problems. She doesn’t live at home. My middle one is at college and struggling and the youngest is on the ADHD/ASD pathways.
I was pondering getting a part time job for a few hours a day that would fit around my mum or alternatively on my days off from my mum.
I claim UC and mum is a full time job in itself that was around 40 hours a week before I burnt out. She has carers now to do the bare minimum when I’m not there but I’m still there 4-5 days a week. Sometimes more. It takes half an hour to walk there so that’s an hour just on travel.

I’m wondering if I should try and get some paid work or if I should just continue “only” looking after mum. She’s 87 this year and part of me thinks I should make the most of it while she’s here but part of me feels like I should get a “proper job” as my ex likes to say. Nobody thinks I do any work at all. I enjoy being with my mum and things are balanced now with her care.

I’m about to start ADHD medication in the next couple of weeks all being well, and I’m hoping that I will feel the benefit in terms of getting my own home into order after years of procrastination and all the sorting out and tidying being in bags in the loft!

I would value, and feel I need some time to myself at home on that one weekday a week where I’m not at my mum’s, or for a couple of hours each morning/afternoon before going to/coming back from my mum’s. However, I feel I should be working, especially when I read threads on here about the attitudes to those of us who claim benefits.

If you were in my position, what would you do?

Just to add a be no idea what job I would do. Employment has never suited me very well and I burnt out regularly when younger plus I had gynae issues that meant a lot of time off sick plus the usual autistic difficulties with team dynamics, cliques and politics. I’m a qualified nurse but my registration lapsed when I had Ds so I’ve not done that for 11 years now and I’d have to do a return to nursing course and I don’t think I could handle the pressure. I like one to one working or very small team working with lots of autonomy. I love being outdoors and I’m my mum’s gardener which gives me a lot of enjoyment. I can put my hand to most things and do them well but how long I can do it for is a different matter.
I was turned down for PIP and hadn’t the energy to appeal.

Gentle bump.

Thank you MNHQ for moving this over to chat. Hard hat on incase of benefit bashing!

Have you thought about becoming a part time (paid) carer either in a home or doing home visits? That might fit well with what you have experience in though might be too much with caring for your mum?

Does your mother get attendance allowance?. Do you get carer's allowance?

I think you should move to the next stage gently.

Honestly, I’d probably do housework (laundry, dishwasher) and something for me in that hour in the afternoon! Sounds like you could do with a break for a while without beating yourself up.

@AuADHD have you thought about your finances going forward, when you are perhaps no longer needed as a carer, no longer have dependent children, retirement income etc?

I think, whatever you decide is right for you, you need to make sure your own needs are met. You sound lovely, and very caring, but it’s very clear that you are giving a lot of yourself to those around you.

Be at least as kind to yourself as you would be to others.

Also make sure you are able to strike a balance between enjoying spending time with your mum, and also ensuring you have enough going on just for you that you don’t lose your identity when one day your mum passes away.

I think if you have experienced burn out, go slow. Have a couple months at least once your child starts secondary, then if feeling up for it start looking for a part time job. Go at your speed, you'll have a better idea how you will feel. Working can be really good for the soul if with some decent people but if you're not ready then I think it may hurt you more than help. Please ignore the attitudes of MNetters and others, they don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes.

It may do you a world of good to be able to potter, peacefully for a couple of hours for a few weeks to decompress, do all the little things that you said you have put aside because of caring for every one else and have a chance to get your breath back. It's so very very hard being a carer and am glad you've now got some help. As someone else said, be kind to you.

I agree with everyone that you need to take care of yourself longer term perhaps you might enjoy becoming a gardener you could dictate your hours and concentrate on planting etc rather than hard landscaping. Everyone I have asked to help with the garden knows nothing about plants I would love to find a lady gardener to help me create beautiful borders. I think the demand is there managing your UC is a bit complicated but perfectly doable.

Obviously you do what’s right for you. But I feel that for now look after your mum and see how it goes in a few months time. With kids and your mum there is always stuff to do so don’t push yourself would be my advice.

Agree with above posters; even with those new 'free' hours you will still have a lot of responsibility/caring duties, and you haven't yet seen how well your child will adapt to secondary - there will possibly be meetings to attend, etc. Ringfence a bit of this new time just for you and see how that feels.

You need to do what’s right for you but remember that you need to find more things in life that your mum and kids, you deserve that, perhaps a healthcare role that you can get set hours for that doesn’t require your nurse registration

As your Mum is 87, honestly I'd make the most of still having her around. She won't live forever and you'll have plenty of years ahead without her company and you can get a paid job then. See how your DC gets on with new meds, summer is coming so potter around in your garden if you find that relaxing. Remember your own health is important too. You don't want another burn out. Build your strength.

F

You already have enough on your plate - far more than most people, and you will be doing yourself no favours if you burn yourself out.

What I suggest is that you take care of yourself. Just give yourself time to recharge your batteries every day: go for a short walk, sit in the garden for a few minutes, read a magazine, lie in the bath, anything to give yourself a break.

I'd take a step back from your mum and try to find additional help for her to fil the gap. That alone will take time and mental energy as you may need to fight for that extra help. Rather than being her carer, start trying to move back into daughter mode.

I agree with this poster that you could look at gardening as a career (perhaps not advertising yourself as a 'lady gardener' though, you might get the wrong sort of interest 😂). Maybe at some point in the future you could look at doing some gardening related study or courses that would help you set up your own business.

Don't worry about benefit bashers. Give yourself a break - you have a lot on your plate right now and time yet to get back into paid work. It's OK to take some time out when you need it. You are no use to anyone if you are burnt out and go under with the pressure.

Thank you all for being so kind. I was expecting unpleasantness.
My mum already has 4 calls a day but they are a bit useless at times and don’t do things like shopping, appointments, DIY, organising tradespeople, organising transport, buying gifts, medication and medical stuff and finances etc. The only thing I could outsource is the cleaning but it doesn’t take long. Things are much better now and I think when Ds goes to secondary it will feel very odd not having the time pressure of rushing around. I just feel guilty after years of being told I sit on my fat arse and do nothing all day. Chance would be a fine thing! It was my day off yesterday and I spent a couple of hours arranging an appointment and the transport for it then filling out the forms I was emailed for the appointment. It’s never an actual day off.

Is she paying into a pension for you?

No, she isn’t. She gives me some of her attendance allowance. She has to pay towards the council funded care she has too.

I do get the carers element of UC.

Look into being a self employed gardener and if there is a qualification you could do part-time I September.

Also check if you will continue to get credits towards your state pension if you need them.

Have you looked at if there are any community gardens near you to volunteer at? Obviously not paid but worthwhile and would get you used to being part of a team again, working with others etc.

You are doing a very hard job already and that is not going to disappear in September. Stay looking after your mum for now. Your ex is not even entitled to an opinion so ignore him.
Please appeal the PIP decision, there are people who can help you do that.
look after yourself🌺

Ignore your exes opinion, nobody knows what your life is like except you. I wouldn't be rushing into paid work honestly, maybe do some volunteering so you have something that's just for you but without the pressure of paid work.

I think you should definitely appeal the PIP decision. I cant remember the actual data but its a very high % of decisions that get overturned at appeal.
If youve left it too late you can always apply again, maybe use an advice service to help you or use your "spare" time to write a better form. Really the best applications are backed up with as much medical evidence as possible.

I think as your mum is 87, nothing is going to get easier about her care. Your children also have support needs. The only people who benefit bash are those with no empathy and those who have no imagination of how difficult some people's lives can be. You are important and vital in the care you provide to your mother and children.

You need to protect yourself from burnout. Use these extra hours to rest, sort out your living space and create a lovely environment for yourself and your children. A course for future employment is a great idea as is volunteering. But you seem to have been running to almost empty for a long time. You need to put your own oxygen mask on for a little while as the future will not necessarily be any easier.

Do you get any benefits for your youngest child? Make sure you are definitely claiming all that you are entitled too.

Dont listen to XH or anyone else who isn't in your shoes, you are doing a fantastic job that not everyone is cut out for. You deserve praise, remember that and dont let anyone's disrespect cloud your view of yourself