Elderly neighbour, hoarder, early dementia...accusation of theft..?..wwyd

[bumblebee1000]

Background..neighbour who lives 5 houses along, hoarder, admits she has some memory issues. Broke arm last year so we popped food round etc until she could get out and cook, place is a mess, stuff and junk all over, total hazard. Last year we helped her with an isa and some premium bonds, she has many notebooks with user names and passwords scribbled all over, struggles to remember what is what. Has asked us to help with a new isa. has a daughter local but very limited contact. has an ex partner local and sees him weekly.

Yesterday I showed her my binoculars and explained they were sitting on my kitchen table so put them in my bag to move to car later, used for plane spotting...she then said i took them off HER kitchen table and effectively stole them and asked did i have proof of purchase. I told her that these had been mine for several years, and she has over 10 pairs of opera glasses. I left soon after. I wont get involved with helping in finances and will speak to ex partner about this and another neighbour who feeds her cats when she is away ..I dont have details for daughter and unlikely she would get involved..a lot of background to that. Any other ideas ?

I wouldn’t be helping her with any financial issues.

If you have concerns about her safety you should contact SS.

I would no longer be helping or seeing her at all. It's not worth the risk of police questioning or potential court case.

Refer her to adult social services, let the daughter know that you cannot help anymore and you believe she is at risk. Do not get involved in her finances again..

no contact details for daughter and i doubt she would get involved...a long story, i will speak to ex partner and see what happens. not assisting any more with finances !

Very common with dementia, sadly. The accusations can get even worse.

Send yourself or a trusted friend a dated email with full details of the situation, the accusation, the fact that she has dementia, etc. List facts and dates. Ideally friend is professional/established etc.

Do not see her again. Block her if she tries to contact you or phone you.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it with ex-partner and daughter. Just say politely if asked you find it too difficult.

If you know who her GP is then you can contact them too with your concerns

It's just her dementia talking - don't take it personally.

The binoculars weren't finance related though so I wouldn't be having any more contact. Is it worth the potential repercussions? She can get social services support instead of you.

I would contact adult social services. She is very vulnerable and needs support. I would be wary of speaking to her ex partner - do you know him well? Can you be sure that he will not take advantage of her in her vulnerable state?

Ex partner is fine, they are very good friends, i now have his number and email so will update him, he probably already aware about the memory issues and visits her so knows about the hoarding etc....I wont contact SS...she probably wouldnt even let them in etc. i see what ex partner suggests.

Eventually there comes a time when you have to divest yourself of these relationships. In my case I did a slow fade but I can see that you would want to drop the rope immediately. Its all too easy to be accused of wrongdoing when you help a vulnerable person with their financial affairs.

I once got into a situation with an elderly neighbour in a nearby street, I did her a favour (filled in a benfit form) and was gradually sucked into doing more and more for her. All kinds of life admin, shopping etc. She had a son living with her but he was useless. She then took to coming around "for a chat" when she found I WAH 3 days a week. Things got to a point where I would come home the long way around so as not to pass her house.

Eventually I had to lie and tell her that the uni now insisted all staff had to work in the office. I also exaggerated the trips I made abroad from one every 2/3 months to being "away" every 2/3 weeks. I was able to gradually do distance to give her an opportunity to get her claws into someon else. Eventually her befit form needed to be renewed and I made sure to tell her I was "away in Europe" for several weeks and directed her to the CAB.