I don’t even have kids and find life hard

[FroggyFan]

I see so many threads where women with multiple children + full time job are struggling. Sometimes I have no idea how people even begin to cope.

I don’t have kids. I have a husband with chronic depression and a needy 17 year old cat. Husband needs huge amounts of support and listening and reassurance (on top of his talk therapist and psychiatrist). Gorgeous old cat follows me around the house and the minute I sit down climbs on me and wants to be under my neck.

I adore them both and wouldn’t change any of my choices - husband is a wonderful kind thoughtful funny man despite his MH issues. I’m told every day how loved and appreciated I am.

but JFC I’m 44, how the fuck are women dealing with kids on top of all this. I’ve got friends in similar situations with 2-3 kids. How do women do it. I can barely cope as it is with a 37hr a week job on top of it.

Im not looking for reassurance or solutions, mostly just musing after having a rare 2 glasses of wine. Most women must be absolutely incredible and have a huge amount of resilience.

Not all women find it stressful having children and a job. Many women thrive on it. When you don’t have a choice, you just get on with it and either you either cope or you don’t, Don’t assume that just because people are doing it that they are coping or are happy. There are a lot of people propped up by anti depressants. Also, you get back what you put in in many ways, so the stress is balanced by rewards.

I'm single and childless and feel same as you OP. I do have CFS, am a poor sleeper, have mild arthritis and perimenopausal. I find it hard enough dealing with that and working FT without having kids on top.

I think having kids & raising kids are two different things. In lots of ways having kids is just having more people in your life. Being responsible & making sure they’re okay, yes it’s hard work.

You just find the capacity. What else are you gonna do? People who aren't swimmers or even fitness fanatics swim for hours on end to get to land, becuase what's the alternative? Drown?
When you're holding your entire family on your shoulders you can't fall, so you just find the strength.

I do look at my childless friends who are so stressed and tired and wonder how they would cope. But I do have two children with mental health issues and a full time job

@FroggyFan , first of all it's not a race to the bottom and it sounds like you have plenty to deal with yourself. But, I was musing something similar not long ago. I remember being in my early 20s, no kids, working a fairly basic office job and bursting into tears in the office one day because I felt so exhausted I couldn't cope. Wtf!

Now, I'm solo parenting 3 kids with very little support and working full time managing a team in a pretty stressful line of work. On top of that I'm going through a very difficult divorce/court process after escaping domestic abuse. And I have 2 needy cats!

I wonder myself how I cope with it all most days. I think the answer is just that I don't have any choice. Whenever I think I've reached my limit and something else comes along, somehow I just find the strength to get on with it.

I'm bloody knackered though.

(a lot of us just do a shitty job of it 🤫)

Single no kids, no pets, a non live in partner. Loving it, especially if WW3 happens, I've just got to put my own head between my knees and kiss my ass goodbye!

I'd be terrified every minute of every day for kids if I had them. The world is not getting any better at all.

In many ways kids are a great distraction from other stresses in life.

You have less time to sit and think/worry about other things.

I have a FT senior job, a child and a husband with health problems and I’m absolutely fine. I’m really good at my job and I love it and I’m super organised and enjoy cooking, life admin etc. My child is my pride and joy, and adds massively to my sense of purpose and happiness. It’s hard work juggling it all but I seem to have a good handle on it all and I wouldn’t want to give anything up. I’m a decade or so off retirement but not counting down the days or longing for it. My husbands health problems are my greatest stress but, like you, I love him and he’s funny and kind. I committed to him in sickness and health and so here we are. So what I’m saying is, I have a busy life but rather than feeling drained I am generally quite energised.

Depends on the children. My DS1 is hard work and drains me (autistic). DS2 is just so lovely and lights up my life. I love them both the same but I'm just stating facts. Even DS2 teacher once told me that she could deal with 100 pupils if they were all like him. Pure joy.

My ex BIL and SIL didn't have children and they were so absorbed with each other's every little thing. Maybe that's why you feel like this.

I guess you do what you gotta do, in a lot of cases - and a lot of parents do burn out. But a lot of people have an easier time of things, as well.

Plus there are some people out there with an insane capacity for responsibility.

There’s a kid in my DC’s class whose parents are both vets and veterinary lecturers, working 70-hour weeks and night shifts and seem always to be on call - and they live on a farm with horses and goats and chickens and they have 4 dogs and a bunch of budgies and a cockatoo and a cat and possibly also some goldfish.

Their life is literally the sort of thing I have nightmares about - and yet they love it, and seem calm and happy and fulfilled.

Takes all sorts!

I have a ft job and a 4 and 2 yo and a health condition (3 surgeries last year ) and i am not sure.... just hanging on in there until something breaks 😅
We make room for date nights and seeing friends semi regularly and going forward we will try to do 2-3 hols.a year (i conscious of dying so want to enjoy it while I can)

I do now look at my mother who did it in the 90s with no flexible working and a long commute and difficult sibling (and at times difficult me) and my dickhead bipolar father in tow and wonder HOW?
How did she keep her sanity???

Im geniunely amazed / stunned as a mother myself at how she managed to get through it...

In your description I do think ot sounds like theres an element of parkinsons law at play though...

They also get depression.

Op it sounds like you are taking on too much? Do you get back as much as you give?

OP something has to give. In my case, it's the state of our house. I'm ashamed of it.

Some people manage better but I think health is such a major component. I see people my age running marathons. My body struggles with 20 min walks. I cannot fathom running a marathon.

But people forget having children (often) gives you extra energy and motivation too. They bring a dose of happy to life that helps me get through.

Every half term Mumsnet is filled with posts of how they can't wait for half term to be over. Or in the run up how they're dreading to look after their own children the holidays. It always makes me feel a bit sad that they don't want to spend as much time with their own children as possible.

This is true. Dealing with kids is so exhausting and relentless that you don't have time to ruminate or stress about anything else. I had regular panic attacks for 15+ years and they disappeared overnight after becoming a mum. I literally didn't have the headspace to worry myself to the point of a panic attack because I was solely focused on survival. I was dying for a single night's unbroken sleep or being able to eat or drink without interruption or being able to have a single hour of silence. All the things I took for granted before kids are now like tiny bits of gold dust that I scrabble for in the dirt, desperate for a scrap of normality from my old life.

It's not easier by any means, just different. It's like being put in a prison for 7+ years and not having any freedom to do anything for yourself. So everything that felt banal and boring beforehand become such amazing experiences that you don't have the capacity to turn that situation into something negative. Imagine being a prisoner in a cell for 3 months and only being allowed one free day to do whatever you want outside, and feeling the sunshine on your face. Your existence becomes defined by looking forward to that one day of freedom so it makes your life in the cell tolerable. And once you get your free day, it's so exhilarating that you cannot possibly find life "hard" in the tiny bit of time you have. Motherhood is basically that experience at varying levels. You live for the tiny moments of freedom in between huge chunks of responsibility and discomfort.

I think in some cases it just alters your priorities. I’m senior management and remember I used to get so stressed at work and would regularly work over my FT hours. Now I have DS I have more work responsibility but work less hours and have definitely found I’m in my ‘fuck it’ era at work. I know I’m bloody good at my job and I no longer think twice about challenging management above me on the spot, rather than fretting for days about things I disagree with. I don’t have the time for fretting so I take the quickest path to resolution of disagreement. Often it pays off in mine and my team’s favour and I think I’ve gained more respect for it.

I'm not coping particularly well. Just get on with it I guess. I'm 44, work full time, with one child (couldn't cope with more), and a very needy 17 year old cat who likes to sit under my chin at every opportunity, so your post resonated 😂 Thankfully I have a decent partner who takes care of a lot of stuff I can't face doing. But I do frequently feel like I'm drowning.

I have two children aged two and under, plus a dog that is as needy as your cat sounds! Yes it’s tough and stressful but I wouldn’t for a second assume that my life is harder than one like yours, they’re just different struggles, different challenges and no one has the right to say whose is harder as we’re not living in other people’s shoes. You’re perfectly justified in finding life tough, because it sounds like it really is!

I am glad that even though your husband has MH issues he still is funny and kind and you love him to bits. Mine has lost all spark and its like living with another child . I joined Yoga at work today and couldn't do a stupid sparrow pose and burst out in tears, hiding it from everyone offcourse. Guess what I am the mental health first aider at work.I came home to see my partner has served our kids a chicken curry that he cooked a week ago. I calmly cooked some eggs instead of losing my shit.I strive hard to have my shit together and I have promised myself that I will always rage against the dying of the light.

It is all subjective OP.

I have 5 (older) children and many pets and have always worked full-time. Sometimes I look back to the days where I was finishing work and then driving around all evening to 3/4 different clubs and wonder how I managed - I just did.

We didn’t have family support but my husband is self employed and we split everything 50/50.

But, I don’t have other responsibilities. We don’t have a big family and I keep my friend group small so outside of the home, I have very little demand on me. I have a childless friend but she is also caring for elderly parents and weekends are taken up by many family engagements. We are equally short of time but in different ways.

Yes I have relatives who are childless and seem less happy, very absorbed in themselves and each other because they have nobody else to worry about