OK I am back.
This could have described me with DS1 who is now a teenager. DS2 is also similar and by the time he was showing these behaviours (he is 10 years younger) I was much better at managing my response and it helped a lot. I felt guilty for years about DS1 because I feel that my difficulty in managing him when he was younger really impacted our relationship. They both have ADHD (and so do I). My relationship with DS1 did improve once he got a bit older (11+)
The first thing is that you need breaks. Do you have a partner and if not, do you have family help at all? I try to get away for a couple of nights about once a year. I realise this will not be financially viable for everyone but if you can possibly make this work, however you make it work - staying with a friend to reduce costs etc - it helps enormously.
Also having regular time during the week which is just for me. I go to a choir now one evening a week, which helps a lot. Some weekends, DH will take the DC out without me. He also handles all the mornings, which is brilliant because routine tasks can be really difficult with ADHD.
The second big gamechanger is understanding regulation/the nervous system and the physiological response which is happening. There are various models and different terms used to explain this because the proper terms are quite scientific, but they all describe 2-4 different "states" which is basically:
Regulated - Calm/positive/neutral, alert, ready to learn, sensible, their "best self" basically, also on the parent side, when you're being reasonable and using parenting tools as you want to use them. Note that this can also include feelings which are not totally calm and perfect, but when a person is well-regulated, they are still able to engage with and relate to others even if they are feeling a difficult emotion.
Dysregulated - Silly, hyper, manic, overexcited, out of control, impulsive or wild, angry, aggressive, defiant, unreasonable, inconsolable, on the parent side, this is the state you get into when you find yourself shouting, ignoring things out of utter dread, or doing/saying other things you know you shouldn't, or your own parents' words coming out of your mouth. When a child is dysregulated, discipline often won't work, but it's more than just a bad mood or momentary upset. You'll know, IME, if your child experiences dysregulation rather than going through normal emotion changes throughout a day.
Some of the models break dysregulation into two or more "stages" so you'll have a lesser state of dysregulation which might be more signs of impending dysregulation or might be more verbal, vs a more extreme state of dysregulation where the child is well into the fight or flight response and might be physically aggressive, a danger to themselves or completely unreachable.
Some models also include a separate name for the "freeze/fawn" or shutdown type response.
The models or authors I know which use this framework are Conscious Discipline (executive/emotional/survival states), Robyn Gobbel (owl/watchdog/opossum brain), Mona Delahooke (green/red/blue pathway), Dan Siegel (upstairs/downstairs brain), Stuart Shanker (regulated/dysregulated). There may be more.
Zones of regulation touches on it, but I think the explanation is less clear. Ross Greene never mentions it explicitly, but his framework uses it - The Explosive Child really refers to a dysregulated child. His theory of dysregulated/explosive behaviour being "late" is helpful, ie the actual problem happens earlier in a chain of events.
Because regulation derives from a survival function, both humans and animals are sensitive to the nonverbal cues of others around them and we can influence each other in this way, so a calm/regulated person or animal can be a regulating influence on a dysregulated person, but dysregulation can also increase dysregulation in others (like horses "smelling fear") - co-regulation (where a child is calmed by an adult's calm and steady presence or comfort) is a natural, usually instinctive function and thought to be how humans learn to self-regulate. Babies are thought to be completely dependent on co-regulation, and children continue to rely on it for a good portion of their regulation needs. Adults also get co-regulation from each other (a hug, a vent to a friend).
What I noticed from my own experience is if your child is dysregulated for a large portion of the day, you will often become attuned to the signs that they are in a lower state of dysregulation and this will instantly bring about a stress response in you because you are anticipating that they are soon going to enter that dysregulated state where it's like they are "manic" and you can't do anything to manage their behaviour, even if they are being destructive or aggressive. You're then primed to jump on them for any bit of misbehaviour or you just want to run away and leave them to it, neither of which will actually help because what they need in that pre-dysregulated state is usually to co-regulate with a safe, trusted adult (which is probably you) OR sometimes it's a sign that they have some kind of body need which they are unaware of (ND children often have poor interoception, which is awareness of their internal sensations - e.g. hunger, toilet need, temperature). They may also be able to regulate themselves using sensory means, which is sometimes what they are unconsciously trying to do by being very hyper and loud or fidgety. However - IME - my children are never especially receptive to my suggestions when they have entered this pre-dysregulated state. And it's difficult for you to co-regulate with them if you are becoming dysregulated from proximity to their dysregulation.
So - you have to really do several things and it isn't possible to master them all at once so don't stress about this. It's a process and IME the more you can adopt any part of it, the easier things will become.
It helps to learn to recognise the different states of regulation/dysregulation, both in yourself and your child. Mona Delahooke and Robin Gobbel are both very good about how to see this.
It helps to have a plan for yourself to follow when you are in a dysregulated state. When you're dysregulated, it's almost impossible to remember anything complicated, so you need an extremely easy to follow framework. You can mimic the body language of someone who is regulated, which will often help to regulate you. Conscious Discipline is fantastic for this. It's also fine simply to leave the room. Robin Gobbel has some tips you can bookmark and look up privately. The other thing which can work really well is the 123 Magic/Supernanny type approach where you stop talking about the issue and follow an extremely formulaic disciplinary response. This only works if you can 100% commit to the calm, low voice and carry out the punishment with no discussion. It also has to be a consequence which isn't scary, and is temporary. The important thing is that you have something calm to replace your automatic response with. Knowing what to do in the situation can help you get back to feeling regulated, but it also just helps stop the cycle where you're both escalating each other. Understand BTW that none of this will actually help solve the behaviour, even if you are using consequences. You have to teach or practice the expected behaviour in order to strengthen that, but you can't do that when your child is dysregulated. You have to do it when they are regulated. If your child is dysregulated a lot of the time, you might need to triage and only look to solve some of the problems first (Ross Greene can be good for this). When you're trying to teach, practice or encourage a replacement, it's important to break this into teeny tiny steps and include a lot of praise/reinforcement/reward however that looks for your child. If it's not working, reduce the size of the step or consider a sidestep (Again, Ross Greene!) or seek professional support.
Figuring out what might help to regulate either yourself or your child can be good. You might be able to use this in the moment when you're both dysregulated or you might be able to use it proactively to try to "clear" some accumulated stress from the day. (I don't know if this is accurate but as a metaphor it seems to work). Whether it's that they need physical exercise or you can work in some kind of connection ritual to your day or whatever it is. I found that when connection with your child is hard because you never know what kind of state they will be in, doing it with a time limit is really helpful. So play something like Uno which has a defined end to a round and you can say OK, 2 more rounds. Or set a timer and play for 20 mins, or 1 hour, or whatever is the limit that you know you can cope with without getting frustrated with them. Also, meeting them on something they like can help e.g. playing a computer game with them. There is a book called "15 Minute Parenting" which can be good for ideas.
I understand if you are using sensory strategies in this way, it probably needs a LOT of time spent on it ie several hours, which might be why sensory strategies often seem not to help. I don't have good resources for this, maybe Stuart Shanker, the main thing though is it's just trial and error, although it seems there are three common threads for children which usually help, which are: Autonomy, Connection and Exercise (ACE). This proactive regulation is why you as the adult need breaks from being your child's nervous system support. It's incredibly draining. (For adults you probably need connection with another adult, physical exertion, and/or just space from your child).
Figuring out what your child is struggling with, what they find dysregulating, can often be helpful too (and possibly also yourself!) Any way that these things can be reduced or removed from their environment may help. Stuart Shanker is good for this, and Ross Greene again. Declarative Language and other PDA approaches might be helpful. Environmental supports like your visual board can be helpful. ADHD medication, extremely helpful (IME). Possibly a mood stabiliser for you. Sensory supports like ear plugs/defenders, wobble stool, pressure/weighted vest, piece of paper to cover up the rest of their worksheet, or something bigger such as a different classroom, developing a trusting relationship with a staff member at school. Possibly less screen time. Possibly less "behaviourism" (reward and punishment type discipline). Possibly lowered academic expectations.
I know this is a lot so I apologise for the brain dump! It's accumulated stuff I've learnt over ~14 years or so.
This is also helpful. It's a presentation ~1hr long which covers many of these themes and has some useful ideas, mainly in the vein of sensory, connection and space.