Ridiculous escalation where we were both unreasonable

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But I don't know how to stop it happening.

I have an overnight stay planned with BF. We're going to a UK City for an event, other people we know will be there so we'll probably meet up for part of the time, but no specific plans as yet.

BF has an old colleague who lives in the City. Apparently they used to be very good friends but haven't seen each other for years.

BF just dropped into the conversation that he's asked friend if he wants to meet up in the evening and attend part of the event with us the following morning. DP is very sociable, he just loves people, the more the merrier. I like people too, but in smaller doses and whilst I'm happy to be sociable with people I'm not close to, find it hard work. E.g the weekend as it's already planned, mixing with people I know, but not close friends, will be fun but tiring for me.

Also, sometimes it feels like DP likes being with other people more than he likes being alone with me. Rationally, I don't think that's true, we spend lots of time alone together, much more than do with others, and he's always suggesting the next "date", but sometimes it feels like he's very keen to add others to evenings out. E.g if we see a pub band we fancy, his first resonse will be to think about who else would like to go. Which is fine, and rationally, in that situation I agree the more the merrier, it just feels like a snub sometimes. Also a "friend" had mentioned earlier in the week, when BF was inviting others on this trip (which was always planned as a group thing), that it seems like BF doesn't like to be alone with me, which I guess struck a nerve.

Back to the friend in the city. Of course it makes sense that they should meet up. I'm not adverse to meeting an individual friend. It's the way he told me, not asked me that has annoyed me. I'd definitely have said yes anyway, but if the trip had been planned so he could meet friend I might have told him to go without me.

However, when I've pointed out that this is another example of how it feels like he doesn't want to be alone with me, his response was to lie and minimise. To say things like it will only be half an hour for a coffee, when initially it was to join one of the events and our evening plans.

I am very sensitive to lies and gaslighting, so that's how it escalated.

He says he'd much rather go with me, friend probably won't go anyway, definitely not to both, which is probably true.

So were both wrong/right and it's all over nothing really. We are very different socially. Most of the time that works well. He brings me into social things I enjoy and hen enough's enough, I'm happy to let him socialise with others while I recharge sometimes.

But, his defensive response, and my reaction to it can be a problem.

I think he was probably a bit unreasonable to invite the friends along without asking you first. That's thoughtless. And I think you're probably a bit unreasonable to blow that up into thinking that the reason he's doing this is that he doesn't want to spend time with you. That's catastrophising.

However, when I've pointed out that this is another example of how it feels like he doesn't want to be alone with me, his response was to lie and minimise.

You essentially accused him of lying to you when he says he wants to be with you. That's quite a harsh thing to say to someone particularly when you write here that - on the whole - that's not how he acts.

If this is a long-term relationship then might it be worth getting some couples counselling so you can both find better ways to communicate?

How long have you been seeing each other? I wouldn't take this relationship any further tbh, you'll become increasingly resentful at his inability to put you first.

Is this a serious, longterm relationship, or something fairly new that's not necessarily going to last?

We've been together coming up for two years. It depends what you mean by serious. Both middleaged and no plans to live together, but we are committed and seeing it as a long term thing.

Rationally, I know he does love being with me, and he shows me that often, but he enjoys the company of others too.

I suppose I was asking because if you don't live together, it obviously limits the amount of time you have alone together if that has to be 'arranged' too.

So, if there are no plans to live together, this is your ongoing status quo for the foreseeable future. I suppose the only real question is 'Is this working for you now?'

It sounds to me as you aren't compatible.
He is a social butterfly and you aren't.
I think you are always going to feel as though your company isn't enough.

Fwiw I'm more like you: I can take socialising with other peoole in measured doses but definitely enjoy and need a good percentage of " me time" or one - on- one interaction with a friend or partner.

I would be intensely irritated by a partner who needed the constant company of other people and would actually be wondering what they were lacking that they needed validation from other people all the time

Also a "friend" had mentioned earlier in the week, when BF was inviting others on this trip (which was always planned as a group thing), that it seems like BF doesn't like to be alone with me, which I guess struck a nerve.

That person is a troublemaker. I would ignore their unhelpful comments.

As for the rest of it, I think he should have asked you about the friend before inviting him, but on the other hand if he's rarely in that city and hasn't seen the friend for a long time you'd be unreasonable to object to him being invited but you could have suggested just a coffee, or just lunch, if the evening and the next morning felt like too much.

However, as another poster has said, you have started catastrophizing about it and accused your BF of lying and that isn't good. So you maybe need to look at why you have reacted in this way.

And you need to hang on to this:
Rationally, I know he does love being with me, and he shows me that often, but he enjoys the company of others too
You are both middle-aged you say so you have your own lives too and your own friends and these relationships need time and effort too. Your relationship with him shouldn't come at the expense of these other important relationships.
I don't think he is being unreasonable at all. What you have to ask yourself is whether what he is offering is enough for you or whether you'd prefer to be with someone who has more time for you on your own.

Yes, I don't think he's unreasonable at all in wanting to see friends. I think it's important that he does, and I enjoy that he brings me I to social situations I might otherwise avoid. I do like people, they're just not my comfort zone!

It escalated because when I challenged him about suggesting meeting up with friend without "asking" he went on the defensive and tried to pretend he'd only suggested a quick coffee, which wasn't how he'd told it the first time.

He's right though that it makes sense to meet up and if he had asked I would have said that, although if he meant for a significant portion of the trip, I might have suggested he went without me and I'd be happy having some time alone.

You could be describing my dh, he was always wanting our dates to be a group affair. I did get resentful at one point, where was our time together? However, we have now been together almost 40 years, so I think he does like being with me.

I agree though, OP bf should have asked. My then bf, now dh always does.

Nah I dont think you were unreasonable.
So the conversation went like this?
Him "I've invited Bob out for drinks with us Saturday night and said he should join us for bowling Sunday."
You "I wish you'd have spoken to me before inviting someone I don't know to most of our weekend plans."
Him "I only said we should have a coffee for 30 minutes. And anyway he probably won't even come to the other things I did didn't did invite him to."

Yeah that'd piss me off. I hate gaslighting.

I guess if you do want the relationship to continue you need a proper conversation about "hey, I like hanging out in groups and being with our and your friends. But when we have plans to do something as a couple, please don't invite other people to join us without talking to me about it first. We're not just friends in a friend group. We're a couple and it's normal for us to do things just the two of us sometimes and I WANT us to do things jus the two of us sometimes."

Yes, almost word for word....except (and it's a big one) rather than saying "I wish you'd asked..." I said "John was right when he said you don't like spending time alone with me".

But, we do spend a lot of time alone together. The last time we went away with friends, at his suggestion, we extended it to a week, when friends were only going for the weekend. He'll jump at any chance/excuse to come round e.g. "you've had a rough day, do you want a cuddle?", but sometimes that feels like it's because he doesn't like to be alone at all! I do realise that's largely my issue.