TW, mentioning suicide - although not depressed

[FacingTheEnd]

I posted a bit at Christmas about how my life was going to implode and that everything was my fault.
I had planned to tell everyone what I had done after I celebrated my last Christmas with my family but due to a non related event this hasn't happened.
I can't explain any more than I haven't done something, for a long time, I became paralysed through fear that it wasn't done, and every day I have expected to be found out, but for reasons I don't understand I haven't been, and equally for reason I don't understand I couldn't face doing something about it- I've been sleepwalking into hell and it is all of my own doing. And it has destroyed me, and yet I still haven't faced up to it.

This will be the end of my marriage, my home, my relationship with family. Financially it will ruin us, there will be nothing left. I don't care about that for me, but I do for them. I am so ashamed. I've tried to make my husband leave me, because it would not hurt him as much.

I am not depressed, as in I don't want to die, I want to be here, but I've checked my life insurance and I am covered for all eventualities. This would mean the family wasn't financially ruined, I've read in some countries it is almost seen as a honour, I just want to know if you would forgive someone that did something so drastic to try and make amends.

Please don't be horrible in your replies, honest, but not horrible - I'm sure most will read this and think it is all made up, but it isn't, it is my life and I've fucked it all up, and this will show how isolated I am, MN is the only place I have the tell someone about it.

The only way I can think of helping is by participating in an exchange here that will help you think things through. With that aim, can I ask you about this part of your post: equally for reason I don't understand I couldn't face doing something about it
Does 'doing something about it' mean confessing what you have done and encountering the financial costs, and the costs to your relationships, that you mention in a later paragraph? If so, I can certainly understand why you are finding it hard to take action. It will be scary and stressful. So when you say "for reasons I can't understand" I wonder what else might be going on, what else, in addition to those fearful outcomes of confession, is holding you back?

I'm assuming you are either gambling or unable to stop spending on cc/loans and ending up in a huge financial mess.

Before confessing to family have you tried speaking to Citizens Advice, or debt charities, or even a therapist?

Edit
I just want to know if you would forgive someone that did something so drastic to try and make amends.
No. I could never forgive not having an opportunity to talk. Money is not worth a life.

I think you might need to be less vague for posters to be able to provide meaningful support.

I am sure your family love you. Why do you think what you have done is unforgivable?

Hard to say without more details, but I’d imagine in basically every situation like this the families response is

“omg I wish she had just told us. We could have worked it out.”

The damage would be far greater to lose you than would be caused by financial ruin. I’ve known people forced to declare themselves bankrupt who have gone on to be leading happy lives free from financial stress after a surprisingly short time.

Yes, and what is most ridiculous is if I faced it when I first made the mistake the consequences would have been tiny.

When it all comes out now I will lose everything, and this isn't being dramatic. What I have done (by not doing it) will destroy everything. It's not the affect on me that is the problem, I wish I could take it all, it is how it will affect the only people I care about.

I don't know why I did it.

I can't explain more on a open forum, but the best way to describe it is.

I found a small water leak in a house, I closed the door on it and didn't tell anyone. I knew it was leaking and the leak was getting worse.
It leaked into the foundations and washed them away, it damaged the foundations of the house next door. I knew the foundations were washed away but I watched whilst the people in the house painted and cleaned and made it nice, build their future, make their plans. And I just let the leak drip.

I don't even know if that makes sense

Thank you for being kind.

Thank you for this. It's the first time I've actually thought that it might not be the answer. I have thought and planned a lot about it for a long time.

I just want to know if you would forgive someone that did something so drastic to try and make amends.

I missed this question. I don't think that forgiveness should be the most important thing, when you reflect on your family's reactions to suicide. It feels almost like an academic concern. The huge trauma that your relatives would be facing seems a much more important consideration. 'Forgiveness' would only be relevant or valuable if it provided part of the psychological means for them to begin healing, at least partly, from the trauma you will have caused for them -- you yourself won't be affected by forgiveness in the scenario that you are imagining.

That makes me think that your ruminations about forgiveness are rooted in the present - in the situation in which you are alive and have done something wrong. Thoughts of suicide can sometimes function as a fantasy, a relief, from the harder thoughts of staying alive. In focusing on forgiveness for the act of suicide, you are perhaps giving yourself some mental release from the more frightening task of seeking their forgiveness, as a living person, for whatever it is that has gone wrong for you.

How is the issue going to go away if you are not here? Assume it’s financial - think many policies don’t cover suxcide - can debt also come for your estate? so would you just be running away from blame rather than fixing anything?

Honestly, please think about this.

The family left behind never think “she did the right thing, I’m glad we’ve got the life insurance and can just move on”.

That doesn’t happen.

Money worries can be awful. But it’s just money. It doesn’t compare to human life. Ever.

What this poster says.
Lost my ds to suicide recently...his perceived problem was so small but he took a permanent solution and left us in pieces.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation .

I don’t think people can ever really get over a loved one dying by suicide . It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem . They are left questioning forever , if there is something that they could have done to help the person and feel extreme guilt for not noticing the issue .

I don’t think any amount of money will ever make up for that , as the person who has gone will leave a huge hole in their loved ones lives .

You have done the right thing by posting here and I fully appreciate that as this is a public forum , you may not want to provide more details .Please speak to someone , whether it is the Samaritans or Google and find local suicide support / prevent charities in your area . You need to speak to some one .

Ideally then if you have someone in your life / friend / colleague / relative that you could confide in afterwards . The most important thing is that you speak to someone and confide in them .
Take care .

No no no. That is never the solution, no matter the problem. Things can be mended, ending your life is permanent. Things can always be figured out.

I keep thinking about you. How are things now? Did you figure it out? 🤞🤞🤞