I’m not pregnant. I had a round of IVF last month which failed. I had a full period straight after and I’m now awaiting my second one, while getting the wheels in motion for the next round.
No rational part of me believes I’m pregnant - I’m drinking wine, lifting heavy things, and paying money towards my appointments for the next round, none of which I’d be doing if I actually thought I could be pregnant.
But there’s still a bit of my brain which is imagining the different timeline of which there’s only a minuscule chance - it’s not happening, but maybe in some alternate universe it could be.
You see I stopped testing on day 10 after transfer, rather than the clinics preferred day 12. I was bleeding heavily and getting negative tests and I couldn’t face it any more. In a different universe, this baby is the one that implanted late and only showed up on tests after day 11.
After 18 days into that new cycle I the started spotting old brown blood. It’s just the hormones messing me up as they do after every failed cycle and now by day 23 it’s turning red - early but not inconceivably so. But in another universe it’s early pregnancy spotting that apparently happens to lots of people.
And just a couple of times this week I’ve had twinges inside me, a little like when I have triggered ovulation and then feel some activity in the ovary area. It’s just because I’m warming up for another period but in a different universe, maybe it’s those stretches and twinges of early pregnancy.
So like I say I don’t believe it. I’d have tested by now if I had any hope! But for some reason my brain is still just enjoying this different story. Completely tragic, yes - but maybe just a sign I really want that baby.
Thanks for letting me confess that here!