I've given this idiot the power

[CatamaranViper]

Urgh! I'm incredibly frustrated at myself, but also the situation.
A colleague at work mentioned his age and i commented that he was just a couple months younger than me (it was relevant). Now this was in front of loads of staff. He almost did a spit take and loudly declared that he couldn't believe I was the same age as him as he thought I was mid-late 40s. I'm mid 30s.
I said "that's a bit brutal" and he started loudly declaring that I look good for my age but he thought I was loads older and he just couldn't believe it.
I left and it's been bugging me ever since!

I think I look mid 30s. I have no fillers, no botox, wear light makeup, exercise regularly, drink loads of water, don't smoke etc etc. I'm usually quite happy with how I look, but this has bugged me massively. Why am I letting his opinion have any power?
I felt embarrassed that he did that in front of people, and I just think he's an idiot for saying that, regardless of what he might have thought.
Urgh! How do I stop letting his opinion matter to me? Clearly I'm more insecure than I realised.

Do you think he meant because you are so much more together/ competent/ better off than him he assumed you must be older ? Rather than being an insult ?

It's called 'negging' - a way of insulting you and undermining your confidence. It's a trick often used by pick up artists to get women seeking their approval.

I am in a more senior role to him so this is what I'm trying to tell myself but I have no idea really. Just trying to make myself feel better

If we weren't all so attached to youth as women, it wouldn't matter. Don't let his comment, or your buy in to the patriarchy, affect you.

I have no idea why he would try to neg me though. I'm more senior than him in the organisation but on a completely different ladder so no way could either of us do each others jobs, even a little bit.

This.... pick up artists and generally inadequate men, to make themselves feel better.

This is one of the things I'm so bothered about. I never realised how sensitive to aging I was!

You probably are more grown up than he is and that's all he meant.

Most people just look their age but how they come across can make people assume they're older or younger. My sil was horrified that I was the same age as her as she thought I was a lot younger. This is not because I look so glowy and youthful (ha!), it is because she was being a bit of an asshole and implying I was really immature 🙄

He is threatened by you so he lashed out.

This is the kind of thing I just store in my long term vengeance file in my head. One day the time will come when he will get his comeuppance. Just be patient and it will be glorious.

I'll tell you a little story. I was.learning a very obscure language for a trip, online with an older woman from the country. We were doing numbers. She asked how old I was. I merrily quipped 21! She looked confused and said, " oh yes of course wesrern women value youth. <shrugs> we value wisdom".

Put me right in my place. I think of her when I'm tempted to buy into bullshit.

I think it will be because you are senior to him yet also the same age.

His ego just won't let that be true.

It'll be nothing to do with how you look.

It sounds to me as if he is the one who was surprised by how young you are considering your seniority. Most of us default to assuming that those in more senior positions than us must be older to be more experienced. I don't think it was a comment on your appearance.

It's nothing to do with how you look OP. It's because he can't believe you're more senior than him at the same age.

I also think the same as others, it’s not a statement of your physical appearance necessarily, far more likely to be a mindset/lifestyle comment.

Are you married/long term relationship? Have your own place? Children? A fully grown adult?

Im also mid 30s, and very much in the not a fully grown adult kind of way. Coming across people my age who have insurance policies and children and have their shit together is mind blowing.

Because you’re a grown up and he thinks of himself as an ickle boy

twat that he is

I think the problem here is that he’s an idiot.

Either he genuinely thinks this and was stupid enough to say it in front of you and your colleagues. Or he doesn’t think it but wanted to make you feel bad.

Like I said an idiot either way. Write him off.

Because you're a woman and he wanted to put you in your place. You must have encountered this before?

You've all definitely helped me feel better there, thank you.
I'm still incredibly annoyed that his comments have sat with me though. I'm well aware that I'm aging, I've always said I wouldn't touch Botox and fillers, that I'll go grey naturally when the time comes etc, but suddenly I can't help being so bothered. I never realised how insecure I felt...

I love this

Genuinely never like this. Yes I've had men make shitty comments and I can definitely handle my own in a debate / argument. I've had them tell me I'm fat and ugly and stuff like that when trying to insult me....but his reaction seemed so genuine that it feels more like he was just saying exactly what he was thinking

He's a jerk.
I wouldn't waste any time on him or his comment.
It's a lazy easy way to make a woman feel uncomfortable - he probably does it on a regular basis.

He reminds me of a colleague I had when I was 30 and at a social event, he referred to me as "old spice" (as in the Spice Girls).
The prick was only 2 years younger than me.

I met him again 20 years later, he had a pot belly, grey hair and was balding and definitely looked older than his age and me.
Karma.

It’s not about you OP. It’s his ego. He needed to put you in your place.

I get this, it’s because of how senior I am though I’m 99% certain. I look about my age (also mid 30s) but I think it takes people by surprise when they’ve only known me in a work context. It’s hard not to be a bit offended sometimes but if you know you do look about your age, I’d shrug it off and he probably feels awkward he misspoke.

I honestly just think it’s probably because you’re senior to him at work.