I feel I want to terminate- is this insane?

[OrchardMoons]

I’m 31, we’ve just found out a few weeks ago (I’m 8 weeks and 4 days) that I’m pregnant with our first child, a child that is and was very much wanted. Since six weeks I’ve suffered bad with HG, I’m vomiting up to 7 times a day and it’s been hell. There have been times where I’ve felt like I wanted to commit suicide. I’ve been in hospital and it’s starting to settle but I’m having to eat every hour something small or I chuck up. Consultant has no options other than either be on a drip or keep taking the meds at home.

I was starting to feel very negative towards pregnancy and the baby, so I did the alphabio labs gender test. I don’t know why, I think I thought that if I knew the gender perhaps I’d bond better and feel less detached. It was done through the arm on a snap machine, and we’re having a little boy. Which I didn’t have a gender preference I thought, but I’ve cried non stop the last two days since finding out. I think on top of everything I don’t know, it’s hit me.

it feels like there’s this black cloud over my life since I found out and I don’t know what to do. I’m just struggling so much and can’t get through the day without crying. I’ve asked for counselling, and have had some over the phone but it doesn’t settle

i feel so guilty. I wanted this. People dream about being pregnant and pay thousands in IVF for this but I can’t help but dream of my life before all this. The thought of another 32 weeks seems unbearable.

I had HG with both my girl pregnancies- was an absolute nightmare and have never been so depressed. For me, it was critical each time on getting the right medication (took to nearly 20weeks with my eldest girl to find combination that worked) and until that point I was off sick from work… spending most of my day vomitting or going to hospital to get put on drip

I won’t minimise it because when you are in it, it is HELL! And folks who haven’t experienced will not understand. I also considered termination but am ultimately glad I didn’t. It was awful, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but am glad I got my baby at end.

can you take time off work? Is your doctor looking at all options for medication for you?

@OrchardMoons I really feel for you. I had severe HG through both my pregnancies and basically wished my life away. It seemed endless.
Your hormones are all over the place apart from feeling lousy. But terminating a planned pregnancy might just give you longer term issues than 9 months of sickness.
And the sickness does ease up for a lot of people. Whatever you decide I wish you well.

I can empathise having suffered badly with HG myself.

I struggled to conceive so the baby was very much wanted but it didn't make the pregnancy any easier. The most I can say is that the months will pass before you know it, you'll have your son and almost forget how awful it was.

I'm not sure why the gender is bothering you though.

All of this! I was horrific with my eldest, really awful, but I’d been trying a long time so really the thought of terminating and potentially never having children was 1000 times worse than feeling like absolute wank for 9 months, although I promise I understand why it’s crossed your mind!
Ps boys are awesome, as are girls, of course. I have both, both wonderful. I don’t think it’s so much about the baby’s sex as how you’re feeling about the pregnancy generally, so please do try not to focus on him being a boy!

I get it. Sorry.

NC.

I terminated a pregnancy, it wasn’t ’because’ of the HG but it made me so low and desperate that I just desperately wanted it all to stop.

I understand. I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. But I do understand.

FWIW I had two subsequent pregnancies; one with only slight nausea and sickness and one with none. One boy, one girl.

A friend had a termination with HG, much-wanted first child also. But she was so, so so ill to the point she was hospitalised and suffered liver damage for a few weeks before deciding to go for the termination. It's fucking brutal and I'm sorry it's been so hard - I completely understand not wanting to continue. It's exceptionally hard on your body and mental health.

To be honest, I think how you feel about the sex of the baby isn't a sign of anything one way or the other - I think you're likely to be putting more onto it because of how you're feeling about the pregnancy anyway, which is understandable, and generally feeling fucking awful because of the HG.

I had HG, it was awful. Interestingly I had zero interest in the baby, I just couldn’t summon the energy, I felt very low and rubbish every day. I have a bit of a black cloud still over the pregnancy and birth that I just ignore.
But as soon as baby arrived sickness was gone and I adore my DC more than anything. Only you can decide what is best for you, but the sickness doesn’t go on forever. The crying over the gender may be that you’re low, depleted and your hormones are absolutely raging right now! Get support from your widowed and GP. You have some time, so look after yourself and go slow about making the decision, our hormones can do very crazy things to us so don’t make any rush decisions at all.

I agree, I don’t think it’s about having our son, it’s about pregnancy as a whole. It all feels so dark and dreary. GP and consultant have just said basically it’ll pass but it also might not as some have it til 29 plus weeks! 😔

You say the child was very much wanted. If you end the pregnancy, will you dare try again? If not then this is potentially your only chance, have you considered that? I really hope the hg gets much better for you quickly in any case

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is hell. I had 2 HG pregnancies (plus other complications) and it was the worst time of my life even though my babies were wanted and loved. I have 2 wonderful boys now.
Knowing how hard HG is I would never judge a mother for termination, I also seriously considered it at around 8 weeks in. But I think you will find that you can do this, one day at the time.
From what I know it's rare to have HG throughout the entire pregnancy (mine lasted til 20 weeks but definitely got less intense from about 14 weeks onwards).

Do you have a good care team and support around you?

Take care OP, you are stronger than you think.💪

you need to make the right decision for you. The thing that really helped with my HG was knowing it was finite. It lasted until the day Dc was born. That made it so much easier than when I had similar issues when I had previously had cancer. That was an unknown. I couldn’t be sure when those symptoms would stop.

I fought so hard to get pregnant. The hg fight was just one more step in that battle for me.

I did choose to only have 1 child.

There are some hospitals with experts in MG. Could you get your GP to refer you urgently?

Look at the latest guidance from Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists 2024. If your GP or care provider isn't following their advice insist that they do. Get your most kickass relative to advocate for you. So sorry you are going through this x

OP here is the guidance from The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists

Maybe you could print this PDF for yourself and show it to your doctor and midwife.

The Management of Nausea and Vomiting in Pregnancy and
Hyperemesis Gravidarum (Green-top Guideline No. 69
obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1111/1471-0528.17739

I get it. I had HG and I honestly didn't care if I lived or died when it was at it's worst. It's incredibly debilitating and lot of people don't understand. I wasn't prescribed medication but was hospitalised a few times. How I survived til the end of the pregnancy I don't know.
Once I started feeling nausea in my second pregnancy I saw a GP who was much more understanding than my original one. I was prescribed medication. It helped and eventually at 18 weeks the sickness greatly improved.
It's very hard on your mental health and when I had high ketones due to dehydration I wasn't able to think straight.
Make sure you have plenty of support when making any decision about the pregnancy.

It is so very miserable and my heart goes out to you.
But let me tell you one important thing. I am grandma age and have been through several awful illnesses in my life when living felt impossible. In those moments I felt as desperate as you do now.
But now I am able to look back on these ... they are history. This seemed unimaginable at the time just as it seems impossible for you now.
I am sending you the strength to hang on in there knowing that one day you will look back on it all.
Take care

I can only give you my story. Me and my husband tried for a baby and I felt pregnant quickly and almost immediately I had a severe decline in my mental health, followed by severe HG. It was honestly traumatic. I felt in complete despair despite intense counselling, was in and out of hospital, weight loss, no appetite etc. I felt so suicidal that in the end I couldn't see any way out and had a termination.

I immediately felt relief, however a month or so afterwards, I had an even bigger mental health crisis triggered by terminating a wanted pregnancy. It really was such a dark time in my life. I then decided to try again for another baby but unfortunately had a few miscarriages (more guilt, mental health) before having my 1st baby nearly two years after I'd first fallen pregnant followed by my 2nd 3 years later.

My eldest though is such a perfect wonderful child that it's strange to think though if I hadn't terminated that first pregnancy then I wouldn't have had them. However while I am not anti-abortion at all (and I've had two abortions for different reasons that I have absolutely no regrets over), terminating a wanted pregnancy from my own experience brings up further mental health problems.

I did have HG with both pregnancies where I had my children but it was managed well and it did ease significantly for both of them. I won't tell you what to do but please explore counselling. It's absolutely awful HG I know but is temporary.

And also both my children are boys and are completely wonderful. I didnt have any gender preference and was genuinely delighted to have two boys but i absolutely dont feel I'm missing out on anything at all by them not being girls!

I symapthise OP.

With my second baby I had such awful sickness that began very early, i think within 3 weeks of finding out I was pregnant. It was a very much wanted pregnancy and it had taken me over 10 months to conceive.

The nausea and sickness was so debilitating, I couldn’t eat or drink anything and anytime I got up I nearly
passed out. It was absolutely unbearable. I felt like I hated being pregnant and that I hated the baby and I felt so guilty as I had wanted it so badly.

I didn’t consider termination but on the really horrific days I used to wish that I would miscarry. I feel awful saying that now but I genuinely just wanted it to stop and for it all to go away.

Thankfully, at about 10-11 weeks I turned a corner and things started to improve and by 12-13 weeks the nausea and sickness completely stopped. God it was such a relief.

I can’t tell you what the right thing is for you OP, but I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are and why you are considering terminating. It really is horrific

I can’t comment on the HG which sounds awful but I had to pop on and say how much I love being a boy mum, despite always desperately wanting a daughter. I couldn’t change it now. DS is 15 and has been my little sidekick from day 1, we have the best connection and it’s been a joy watching him grow.

Do what is right for you but make your decision on a good day, not a bad day.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is absolute hell and relentless. I had HG with my three boys, vomiting up to 30-40 times a day and hospitalised with drips. Strangely didn’t have it with my daughter.

Have they offered you any thing like ondansetron and do you have a good support network around you? Since princess Kate’s Hg there is far more awareness.

As soon as each son was one was born it stopped instantly and it was a case for me for taking it hour by hour to get through each day. Sending you gentle hug in my thoughts and know that all the HG suffers on here understand how difficult this can be and I hope everything does improve soon for you.

Op
sending lots of love . I had horrendous hg lost 4 stone and was on a drip a lot! I also considered abortion so glad I didn’t , but no judgement at all to you . I was 42 and also a much wanted baby . There was days I just lay on the sofa all
day . I was signed off work a lot as well and I didn’t get sick pay

HG is so so hard, horrendous. And every minute feels like days. I had it with both pregnancies. I was somehow mentally stronger the 1st pregnancy. 2nd pregnancy (3 years of trying with miscarriages and fertility issues) my HG was so bad I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. My husband said to me that’s our son wiggling on the ultrasound and he’s going to be amazing. I kept hanging onto that comment and well, he’s 11 months now and the MOST amazing and healing baby in every way. It’s soooooo hard but it’s sooooo worth it (which you cannot see or understand during HG!!). But no judgement too because I remember crying and begging for a termination too. My HG improved dramatically at 14 weeks and then was totally okay by 20 weeks except if I was overtired. You can do it! Sleep as much as you can, chew gum, watch TV. Jelly also helped me as it was soft and gave me some sugar. Sending strength xxxx