I need help

[YoungForever93]

NC for obvious reasons and unsure where best to post this but i desperately need advice or atleast someone to talk to and see some light in a solution. I apologise for a potentially long post but dont want to drip feed. Also am quite fragile at the moment mentally so please be kind.

For context: I am a lone parent to a 2yo with almost no support, I work part time to be around people and to provide a somewhat livable life for me and DD, I have been in a relationship for a year which isnt that great emotially and my home was broken into 6 weeks ago where a lot was taken.

Recently my mental health has been declining slowly and 2 nights ago I had a huge meltdown when my partner persistently goaded me during an argument, ending in me self harming and breaking my his glasses. I'm not using it as an excuse and i know how wrong this is, its changed something in me if anything. I immediately contacted the doctors the next day as I felt this was my breaking point and couldnt manage things on my own anymore. They said they could offer me an appointment in 3 weeks time and questioned heavily if i was on the autism spectrum when i mentioned my historic EUPD diagnosis, claiming it is common to be misdiagnosed in women and what I had explained highlighted some traits. This worried me further as no help for my immediate problems have been offered and instead caused another issue for me to be stressing about. (To be clear, im not bashing ND in the slightest but its made me think that I may never get fully better or treated now)

I also think the events that happened that night made me see my relationship in a different light and was ready for it to end, assuming he would leave me expecting him to also see me differently. Instead he has bathed me, patched me up and somewhat been glued to me ever since. I feel suffocated and confused, I dont understand why he is staying with me and feel like im being tricked in to a false sense of security and I am walking on eggshells not knowing how to be. I feel awful for what I did and what he witnessed from me but also worse for not accepting his love, care and acceptance in the aftermath. About an hour ago I walked out and told him not to contact me again.

I dont know what is wrong with me and how to make myself better as I dont really know what is exactly causing me to feel like this.

Sorry for the lengthy post and if it sounds like a jumbled ramble, my head is an absolute mess and im just trying to function so my DD isnt affected.

I don't know what is wrong with me and how to make myself better as I dont really know what is exactly causing me to feel like this You’ve done the hardest bit, which is admitting that you’re struggling and you need help. It’s your GP’s job to work out what is wrong with you and how to get you back to a stage where you can cope. If you feel that your dr isn’t listening to you, or taking you seriously, you can ask to see an alternative gp for a second opinion.

I think you’ve probably done the right thing with your relationship; you don’t need any additional pressure right now. Was he the only source of support you had? Is there anyone you can contact? Also, have you heard of Gingerbread? They’ve been around for decades and support single parents. They can’t do as much as they used to be able to do, but it’s better than nothing and they can signpost you to other support.

When you say you walked out, do you mean of his place? Are you and DD home and safe?

Sweetheart are you home and safe?

Yes me and DD are home safe, she's in bed asleep now. Yes my partner was primary source of support even though he hasnt really been good at providing the emotional support before. I dont really have anyone to contact at all or who would be able to provide any help or support. I have no friends, my mum is an alcoholic only really wants to know or help when it benefits her and my grandad is quite old and frail health wise right now. So I dont have anyone.

Well you post on here as much as you need to and we’ll do our best to support you. You haven’t felt this way forever, and you won’t feel this way in the future. You sound like a brilliant mum, and you just need to hold on a little bit longer.

Have you got all your emergency numbers? Like if you feel that you can’t cope for another minute and you just need to keep yourself and DD safe?

Thank you to those who commented, I managed to get some sleep and woke up feeling like my mind was a little clearer. I have got myself and DD out of the house for a few hours and arranged some childcare for tomorrow so I can visit a local MH hub to hopefully get some immediate support.

However as the day has gone on my partner has started messaging me in what appears to be an attempt to drag me back down into my darkness. He has spent the past hour or so saying he is going to tell his family that I am violent and how selfish and vindictive I am for vaguely calling out the lack of support and asking him to stop. I can feel this setting me off again in thinking how terrible I am and is forcing me to realise that my relationship is now over too, even though it seems i am going to have to force communication between us to end. So I am fully alone now and need to find the strength to get through even more stress😔

Block him.

He’s gaslighting you, goading you into an argument, making you upset and vulnerable then presenting himself as the caring partner. Was your toddler with you? Block him on all social media and apps, he is toxic and not helpful to your mh recovery. Is dd father in the picture, why were you not together? Is there a pattern of difficult relationships you need to break, if so try the Freedom Programme.

I’m sorry to hear you feel so low.

You are in an abusive relationship, the bathing and kindness is almost textbook after what happened.

Please block him and concentrate on yourself and your DD.

All the best OP, you can do this