NC
I’ll start this by saying there are some triggering subjects mentioned in this thread relating to childhood sexual abuse.
It’s very strange, I feel both repelled and drawn to information about the Epstein files but I think it’s bringing up a lot of unfinished business for me.
Without going into too much detail, I’m a survivor of CSA and was in the care of a very nasty couple who groomed and abused me. I remember indecent pictures being taken of me, but it’s all quite a blur. During this period, I stayed the night with a family member and refused to go back to them, but I didn’t share why. The couple tried to entice me back over the phone, but I refused. My parents fell out with them and I never saw them again.
I believe I’m impacted on a few levels. Firstly, as is often the case, I shared my abuse years later and nothing could be done due to a lack of evidence. I felt the police and SS almost tried to shift a lot of the responsibility onto me (e.g. “why did you not tell anyone at the time?”). It’s very disheartening to see the protection of abusers in these document. It brings up a shame in me that I can’t quite explain.
I have done a great deal of therapy since my childhood. I have a good understanding of what my body and mind went through and I have processed and healed from much of my traumas. However, throughout the years, I have wondered about the purpose of those indecent pictures. I feel extremely grateful that there was a way out for me, but the idea of images circulating at any point in time, disturbs me. I try to hold this thought very lightly so it doesn’t become consuming, but this is something that’s been more central for me lately.
I know I may never get justice, my family don’t recall much information about them, apparently. Now I feel like I’m living vicariously through the survivors and it’s such a big deal to me that they receive justice. I can only explain it as I believe a part of me will feel like I mattered enough for this not to be dropped or swept under the carpet.
If any other survivors are feeling the same or similar, I hope you’re doing as well as you can.