Can someone please just listen, virtually pat me on the head and tell me it will all be OK. - ADHD meltdown, taking it out on me and being bloody hurtful.

[HandholdpleaseImnotcopingwelltoday]

I know she doesn't mean it, I know she will come out of it and cry and apologise but this is the worst one she's had yet.

9yo, ADHD, the court are expecting me to force her to see her dad tomorrow, so she is very disregulated.

All morning she has being saying she hates me, I don't love her, I'm mean, I'm cruel, I'm a monster, that I deliberately hurt her (I did accidently hurt her this morning) and she has kicked me a few times too. She's never physically hurt me before.

I'm calm, reiterate that I love her very much, reassure her about tomorrow.

This has continued after school, and actually got worse, she said the meanest name anyone could ever be called is Mummy.

Its just been so damned nasty with it today, I'm finding patience hard, and I'm telling myself it's her ADHD, but it still stings. I'm still a person.

I'm so sorry.

What's her history with her dad? It sounds as though she's frightened to be with him.

He's been overstepping her boundries for years, and neglecting her at his home too, to the point of physical symptoms, I stopped contact due to the last lot of symptoms, this is after years of telling him (have it all evidenced) and suggested day contact only. He disagreed, took me to court, they suggested day contact only, last day contact he screamed at her she isn't allowed to talk about me at all, and she has refused to see him since.

Had court a couple of weeks back and all of the evidence wasn't lodged properly, so the judge said that a lot of mums are manipulative in not letting the kids see their dads and if I dont take her I'll be in contempt so I have to take her to a bloody busy bus station to hand her over, ex won't listen to me asking to meet somewhere else. I told the judge she is ND, he said it didn't matter, I'm the mum so just tell her.

Been trying to prepare her all week, and now her emotions have spilled over, she is refusing to go, I'm upset because I don't know how to get her there without manhandling her somehow.

It's all a mess, and this behaviour is the result. It's not her fault at all, but it's hard.

the court are expecting me to force her to see her dad tomorrow,

I'm never sure what this actually means. Does it mean she needs to be dressed and ready to leave the house when he turns up, or does it mean you physically drag her to his open front door and shove her through it?

If it's the first, where you have to ensure she is ready then do that and no more. The onus will have to be on him to physically and verbally encourage DD to go to him and if she won't then he needs to deal with it, either by going back to court or buying her compliance with shiny gifts (or just becoming a better parent). If you go back to court get it clarified exactly what they expect you to do if she physically won't go although she is now coming to the age where courts do take the child's view into consideration.

Edit cross posted.
Get her ready, take her to the bus station (will headphones help?), and sit down. You will have followed the court order. It's up to him to finish the hand over and if dd refuses you will have potential witnesses. What did your solicitor say about it being disability discrimination?

I'm sorry, OP, that sounds very difficult.

You're right that she doesn't mean it, but it's very hard not to take stuff personally.

And actually, it is personal in a way. But in a good way. She is taking out all of her dysregulated emotion on you because she knows that it is safe to do so - you are her safe person and probably the only person in the world who can help her to calm down and feel safe right now.

It sounds like you are doing a truly amazing job - calm, stable, loving, reassuring and able to recognise her dysregulation for exactly what it is. Everything she needs to to be.

It must be incredibly hard, but she really really needs you to keep doing what you're doing. Those intense emotions can be extremely frightening for a child, and threaten to completely overwhelm them. Having a calm, stable and empathetic parent who understands that it isn't personal is a huge help.

Hopefully she will feel calmer soon. Do you know why she is so anxious about going to her dad's, and is there anything that you might need to be concerned about? Does she really have to go?

I have been that dysregulated child, and I have also been the parent. I know it's hard. But please just keep doing what you're doing.

We are back in court next month again now everything has been lodged.

I asked the judge what he expected me to do because she will not go. He said I have to make her. I said does that mean I have to physically drag her. He said you're her mum just tell her she has to. I told him dd is ND so it doesn't work like that. He said it's my fault I have a willful child and ND is no excuse. So I asked again am I expected to drag her, then he told me I would be in contempt if she's not there and didn't allow me to speak again.

Sorry x post about her dad.

The judge sounds shocking. I'm so sorry.

Can I ask, if its OK, can you explain what it feels like when you're disregulated like that. Dd said she feels like a bottle of fizzy pop that's been shaken up, but doesn't know how to calm down. Baths are usually a good one for her, but she doesn't want that today.

Sorry I know uts a personal question, but I would love to understand a bit better.

It might be worth keeping some sort of diary, OP, to record the impact that the court order is having on your child. Just in case you need to go back to court in the future. Is there anyone else "official" that you could ask for advice? Your child's GP, for example? Her school? You may need to start amassing evidence of the negative impact that the current situation is having on her.

So I asked again am I expected to drag her, then he told me I would be in contempt if she's not there and didn't allow me to speak again.
Take her there and sit down. You will have complied with the law just by doing that. You have made her available for handover in the designated spot. Anything else is not court ordered so don't do it.

I'm so sorry

He was awful, he hated me for being a woman before I even opened my mouth.

I have 3 years of me providing things for exes house for her comfort, messaging about problems, appointments, providing food, doing the bulk of the travelling for dds sake, and him ignoring everything, so I'm not a manipulative woman wanting to hurt my poor ex, I'm a woman who tried for years and stopped overnight contact because dds health was at risk.

I've asked ex to provide a phone for phone contact and he ignored it.

The whole thing Is a mess and it's dd who's suffering.

you can’t drag a nine year old to a bus station. Think of the trauma you are causing her.
and you, what a total mess.
I have no idea what to suggest, but I think being in contempt is better for your child than dragging her to the bus station

The school nurse, HSL worker and doctor are all involved, there has also been a couple of safeguarding reports to SS but they said I'm safeguarding correctly atm so can't do anything until the court makes them go back to overnights again, then they can investigate.

I've done everything I can.

I honestly don't know how I'll get dd out the door tomorrow, I really don't. She's terrified of him, and even if she catches a glance at him she will be in this cycle she's in fir days afterwards.

I keep diaries of her meltdowns anyway, see if I can spot patterns or triggers for her and things that help her. I have dozens and dozens.

The meltdowns have tripled this week.

Tell her that you won’t make her go. Tell her that the judge says we have to go the bus station with our bag. Dad might be a bit of a twit while we are there, try not to listen. All we have to do is go to the bus station.

I agree, but I don't know what he meant, as in what punishment i would get. I can't go to the cells or dd will have nobody, I can't pay a fine because dad of the year doesn't pay maintenence. If they took dd away from me and give her to him I genuinely think dd would run away and then God knows what would happen because he wouldn't notice for ages (happened before he was asleep and the police found dd, she was 2).

I'm not going I physically take her anywhere. This morning I went to put her sock on because she was unwilling to get dressed and I accidently scratched her foot and felt like shit for it,, so I don't know what would happen if I took her kicking and screaming out of the house.

I have asked for a CWO to speak to dd independently, although I asked the HSL worker to ask well and dd told her all about it and she has it all noted ams that has been lodged.

Ex doesn't want CWO to speak to dd as he said she would find it distressing.

I can't tell her she doesn't have to go, and I can't insult her dad at all as the CWO will ask apparently and then I will be accused if manipulation. I have to remain entirely neutral, which is easier said than done when it's my child there struggling and I have to deal with the fallout afterwards.

The system is bullshit.

Can she have noro virus, both ends,really badly about four hours before you have to go
or come out in a rash that needs hospital
or a badly sprained wrist or ankle that needs an xray
do you know anyone who has a job with children who can observe you trying to get her to go and they can make a safeguarding referral on the spot , we are all trained that safeguarding is a 24 7 awareness and we should report anything we see anywhere that constitutes a safeguarding risk.

if you take her to a bus station she could so easily actually run and end up under the bus. Please don’t take her

It is really hard to explain, and it might be different for everyone.

I used to just feel completely flooded by emotion and totally out of control - an overwhelming sense of panic, I guess, and a helplessness because I just didn't know how to stop the tide. I often felt like I desperately needed to escape from my own body, but obviously, I didn't know how to get out of my body, so that just would make me panic all the more...ridiculous as that might sound. I would often really struggle to regulate my breathing. And I regularly felt like I was going to throw up.

I noticed that my dd always used to hyperventilate in those situations, and that in itself is a really scary feeling, so finding ways of helping her to regulate her breathing was definitely helpful - although not always 100% effective! I also had to learn to fight my urge to give her a hug as touching her before she was ready seemed to just stress her out all the more - she would eventually need a hug when the panic started to subside. I guess I learned that I had to let the meltdown take its course, and trying to find ways of short circuiting it just made it worse - she needed to feel what she needed to feel.

I still get dysregulated as an adult, but usually more quietly these days. I still feel the panic and the overwhelm, and occasionally I still struggle to regulate my breathing though I'm much better at that now. I don't know how to describe it really - it just feels like my brain is so overwhelmed that I can't think properly or articulate what I feel. Like my brain just needs to shut down like an overheated computer blowing its fuse or something. Sometimes I find myself wishing myself dead, only in the moment - not because I'm unhappy with my life in any way, I'm actually very content. But in that moment of total overwhelm, I feel like it will never end and I can't cope and I just want it to stop. (Don't want to scare you though...I have always known that I would never act on those feelings!)

I don't know if that helps?!

That sounds awful, I’m so sorry you’ve had a really uneducated judge, can you request someone who has ND experience or get the doctor to help.
Is your child medicated yet? My DS13 has just started meds after it taking since he was in year 5 (now year 9) to get them so I know it’s hard work

I don’t think you can expect her to be behaving in any other way.
She can only tell you how much she does not want to be going to her dad’s. I am trying to imagine a similar scenario for an adult, and can only think of making people who have a phobia of heights do a sky dive, or a phobia of snakes to re enact that scene in one of the Raiders of the lost Arc films. or of spiders go in the tarantula enclosure at the zoo.
Sheer, utter, total panic and making it clear this is not to happen.
As adults we can just say no, and if pushed or persuaded can be more forceful in saying no way and then leave the situation. We can literally walk away.
she can’t do this as she is a child so she must be a ball of panic, fear, and so scared. She is being mean and horrid as just saying no isn’t working for her. Don’t get cross with her, just tell her over and over you understand, but a judge says this must happen ( I’d not be calling get judge a wise man who knows best though).

I have worked with kids with trauma and this is something that will take her a lifetime to overcome.
I know you have to try to comply but oh my, my heart is so sore for you both. And the old parenting saying of this will hurt me more than it hurts you is so true. Parents normally say this when they have to take their child to a medical procedure that is truly for the good of the child, albeit painful.
Taking a child to a neglectful dad, who she is scared of and does not want to see is so awful for you both.

can you call childline, see what they can advise, or get her to call childline and tell them how scared she is about tomorrow

can you call 111 to ask for police advice about forcing a nine year old and can they attend either you home or the bus station so they can intervene if needed

i cant think of anything else you can do, but just want to send you all the support in the world. The courts really have no idea of how appalling some people are.
I am sending hugs as you need a bucket of them, and so does your little girl

This might be a stupid question but could you ring the police? Ask them to come round to witness what happens? No idea if they would but that’s what I would do, I think.