How do you motivate yourself, when noone notices?

[missmotivation]

Looking for some advice on getting myself remotivated.

I have historically been a busy person. I enjoyed going out, socialising, seeing new places, crafts, decorating, learning. I also like a tidy and clean home. Before motherhood this is pretty much how I spent my time. Plus working out, which I didn't ever enjoy but I appreciated the results.

Today I feel my life is unrecognisable. I don't know how to explain it without sounding depressed, which I am certain I am not. It's more that everything is so much more darned difficult now I s'pose and over the years I've given up tiny slivers of everything until there's little left.

Let's start with outings. I started off still arranging to meet friends, doing lower key/cheaper versions of the travel and exploration I'd always done (not necessarily travel anymore, perhaps just something as simple as a new walk or visiting a local town or village I don't know well with the baby) or making plans for myself but they had to be cancelled so many times as a child was ill or DH had to go away for work or wider family commitments, or friends cancelled due to similar things in their own lives, that over the years it's become easier not to try rather than be disappointed at the wasted effort.

Then with the house, my standards are way higher than DH's who is stereotypical in that he doesn't seem to see clutter or dirt. Over the years I've nagged, tried to lead by example, relaxed my standards considerably and then tried implementing ways to even meet the new more relaxed ways. But no matter what I do things change for a few days and then everyone relapses to their usual state. I've realised if I don't do things, noone really notices or cares. So if 3 out of 4 people are happy with mess (don't misunderstand me, we don't live in squalor, but if something is out of place it will remain there unless I put it away. If a bathroom is dirty it will stay that way unless I either ask someone to clean it or do it myself), then it seems to be tough to motivate myself to continue to be the only one who minds. I don't need toys cleared away instantly or even the same day but an empty box with instructions and equipment from a craft sitting on the dining table for 4 days feels like too much. As a small example. If I ask it will get done, but otherwise they'll all happily continue with their day and wouldn't notice/do for themselves. I feel like I'm being unreasonable making 75% of the household do things they wouldn't do if I wasn't there. So I've largely stopped asking. But at the same time I don't want to be the one doing it all, so I've stopped doing as well. Not 100% of the time, these forums all too often seem to come out as black and white when we all know life has shades of grey. But far more than I ever expected possible for me.

I think it's crept up on me really slowly. I'm about to go on mat leave again and nothing is ready, which has made me realise how much I've changed. The nursery needs clearing out, would be nice to decorate, we need a cot, pram etc. But part of my brain is saying 'baby isn't going to sleep in there for at least 6 months and we have a sling, and the baby won't care if the walls are painted, so just do it later'.

I'd like to get back in touch with the old me. Any tips or ideas gratefully received.

I am sort of the same way, and I just think it’s down to the fact I used to have a lot more time and energy! I have Fridays off work to have a deep clean/laundry and do the food shop but if we go somewhere or I have appointments etc then it doesn’t all get done as I want to enjoy my weekends and relax after work and running kids around everyday. I’m exhausted by 9pm every night. I wish I had the energy to do a work out or clean mid week. One thing I still love to do is explore new places though so I think on this you need to push yourself as you sound a little down and not wanting to do even joyful things? I also started taking supplements as I’m getting older and these have given me more pep in my step. My husband works 12 hrs a day most of the time so I can’t rely on him for much. I also used to do all the decorating because I like an update but it’s definitely getting harder as I can’t be bothered! But I’m pushing myself and thinking of the end result! I have 2 kids 12 and 9 so I have given them daily tasks now like dishwasher and bins, cat litter etc so it’s a little easier. Good luck op hopefully it’s a phase.

Honestly I totally get it! Especially when you’re running on fumes, where do you get the energy from?
ive found that I have to put earphones in at the end of the day and play my music so I’m basically dancing to music that I like, no kids to disturb me, then it motivates me to tidy up the house/fold laundry/load dishwasher etc. stupid but works for me lol

I think you sound ground down and wonder if your husband is selfish?

To an extent though, some of what you describe is fairly typical.

But if you miss the old you, it's only you that can reconnect with her.

Make a list of one or two short term things you can do. Then some medium term ones, and so on.

Now winter's almost over ive taken myself on a few low key day trips, it's been good. Can you do that?

I completely hear everything you are saying. I would say this was me a few years ago.

I have a messy husband who doesn’t see jobs that need doing. He also works very long hours and travels a lot.

we also have a dog that despite my best efforts gets mud and hair everywhere!

when my children were young I definitely got to this point of finding it hard to motivate myself to do things. I was tired, the cycle seems relentless and never ending, like you say plans get cancelled and it becomes a bit what’s the point.

im not sure what ages your children are but they sound very young. I think with all things parenting there are stages where things change. All the children being in school is a big one! It gives your day so much more structure, you may have more time to go to the gym or even just sit and have a quiet coffee and let your frazzled system calm down.

when my kids were very young I remember someone giving me the advice about scheduling in a non negotiable time for something you wanted to do. So for me there was an exercise class on a Friday morning that I loved and my friend usually did it too so there was a slight social element to it. If I was trying to arrange a plan and a Friday morning was suggested I would just say I can’t do Friday mornings instead of seeing it as a movable thing. That could be anything you want to do eg a book club on a Tuesday evening - your husband has it in his diary so he must be home that evening etc.

now my kids are 13 and 15, probably seems ages away for you! But I can assure you life gets so much easier and I feel like I’m returning to my original self a bit more. There are stages such as them being able to walk home on their own from school, or being fine at home for an hour or two so you can nip to the supermarket on your own or go to the gym or walk the dog in peace, now we have reached a stage where they can be left in the evening if we wanted to go for an early meal, or they will go out for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday etc. I can see friends with kids a bit older than ours now leave them at home overnight or for weekends! People at that next stage are suddenly always making plans again, going for weekends away etc.

im trying to say in a long winded way that it does all come back again and after the claustrophobia of early childhood each little step seems huge and you’re so grateful for it.

i will say that I have had to remain more relaxed about the state of the house. My teenage daughter is the worst! Her room constantly looks like a bomb site and I’m having to learn to just let it be!

good luck, hang in there!

@SunnyUpNorth thanks for the positive vibes, helps to think there may be some light at the end of the tunnel! You definitely sound like you get it. I did start swimming when school started but then morning sickness floored me and now somehow it's February and with all the winter bugs etc I haven't got back into it. I remember starting was the toughest part, easier to keep it up once you've begun. So just need to get myself going. DH is currently away for a month with work and have had two sick kids home this week but hoping they'll be back to normal on Monday and I'll get myself to the pool. Your comment about the teens made me smile. I have often thought at this stage as I'm learning to be more relaxed that it will stand me in good stead for the teenage years. I'm already trying to give the kids (7&5) more autonomy in their own rooms and meddle in there less. I know by the time I was about 10 I didn't want my parents in my space at all, so am training myself early!

Weirdly my kids have now started school last September and I think that's caused some of my slump. I used to have 3 days a week working, 2 days with my youngest and then the weekend so the week was full and busy. I thought when she went to school I'd fill those two days with all the things, but somehow I've totally lost my mojo. I was full of energy in September and got through quite a bit but then I had a rough first trimester and haven't managed to pick myself back up. I thought it might also be to do with wfh a bit as between that and the lack of pre-schooler outings I rarely leave the house anymore, and with the new baby coming there's not much opportunity to change jobs in the foreseeable future. On the weekends I used to try and schedule at least one fun thing, but everyone else has had a full week out of the house and usually wants to just veg here. There's a lot of resistance when I try to organise or suggest things. @Keeks08 that also kinda explains why outings have dropped off in the last 6 months. Mismatch of energy and schedules. I don't seem to have the get up and go to say 'okay you all stay here then, I'll go out!', and most friends also have families and jobs so they're busy working during the week and doing family stuff on weekends you know?

@researchers3 winter blues may very well be a culprit. We moved house last summer and all the usual spring walks I like to do at this time of year to spot signs of spring are now 4+ hours away. Haven't found my new haunts yet, and currently missing the oomph to try. I joined a few groups when we first got here, but we've come to a place with rather a retired population and I've not really found my tribe yet being 30-40 years younger than most people I encounter. I do love a list. Will give it a go.

@Ceelee29 that's a great idea. I do put music on loud when everyone is out, and that helps. We get the basics done that way most days, usually for half an hour or so together with the kids after dinner. They load the dishwasher and wipe the table, I'll vacuum, DH does the dishes for example. But it's the extras I'm missing, when DH is at work and the kids are at school. I feel like I have 2 days a week to myself which is a total unexpected privilege (was meant to start back at work FT in Jan but with the new baby it seemed a bit pointless so I have these months before mat leave to fill) and my expectations of myself were that I'd be swimming, decorating, sorting etc. I had a rough first trimester which slowed me down, but that was a few months ago now. I think it was sort of the nail in the coffin though. There were a good 2-3 months where I was barely functioning and everyone just seemed so much happier and more relaxed living in clutter, messy bathrooms, without family walks and outings or things like that which I'd deem fun. Just sleep, eat, school/work, home, chill, eat, sleep, repeat.

Really appreciate the responses, feel like there are some things to try here. I think I'm feeling quite fragile like if I try much more without success I will end up depressed. I've suffered from depression before and recognise the signs. Do feel a bit on the edge right now so am trying to avoid going there at all costs. But so far the self-preservation of avoiding disappointment by not trying is (unsurprisingly in hindsight) not a winning tactic!

I feel like this. I think you only get a certain amount of willpower each day and I seem to use it up on my kids and job. I used to have some left over to do other stuff before the kids. I do always have more energy when the sun comes out though so maybe I do need to get one of those lamps.

@BufferingAgain totally. But it's really getting to me to not have anything left over for myself so I need to change.

I got up and did some creative diy today, with my little helpers. Felt good to have got something done. Plus it was outside and the sun is finally shining, which has really helped. Think perhaps the 1st trimester taking out autumn and then the fact it's been wet, dark and cold has affected me more than I expected. Read some old forums about motivation as well, someone said motivation is a myth, it's more little sparks of inspiration and telling yourself things are non negotiable. I've been telling myself everything is negotiable. So am going to make a list, with some big and small house stuff, plus big and small exercises. Try and get something small done every day and one big thing from each list done (or at least started with some of the bigger house projects) every week. See how I do.

Gosh you are very hard on yourself.

You moved house recently, your husband is lazy, you have two kids and a third on the way, you work three days a week and you think you're not doing enough? What?

You don't sound depressed, you sound exhausted, which to me seems like a normal reaction to very very tiring situation.

@Whyarepeople I really didn't mean to give the impression my husband is lazy. We have very different standards when it comes to household stuff. I don't know if that makes someone unreasonable. It does make it difficult to find a balance though.

I want clothes, toys and other belongings put away in their correct place, surfaces wiped, the house to be generally as clean as it can be whilst you have a family actively living in it, bedding changed regularly, towels hung up in the airing cupboard, drawers and cupboards to be organised so we know what we have and where to find it. Most of those things don't matter to him in the slightest. But that doesn't make him lazy imo. We're just different. He does it when asked, and at least 60% of the time without grumbling 😂.

I've relaxed my standards (esp about putting things away and stuff being organised!), he's tried to raise his. We have a lot of chats about mental load. It is exhausting, you're not wrong. But at the same time he gets up at 6 most mornings so he can work out before the kids get up and be around with them when they're awake. He set up stuff so he could do this in the garage freeing up capacity for me to go to the pool which is my preferred exercise. Just currently in a rut and haven't been since morning sickness hit. He works full time but does the school run one morning a week because he wants to and so I can start work earlier (which would be my preference, I'm an early bird, but my job is far more flexible so really I can work around the school runs more than him). He wants the kids to be into sports so he's organised that, manages that diary, ferries them about etc. I do more of the social side (birthday parties and stuff) and the school admin.

He plans, preps and cooks the majority of meals including shopping. He loves to be in the kitchen so he wants this to be his job, but it often makes more sense for me to do it from a time perspective. He often gets the kids involved and they're both getting cooking skills and enjoying it largely because of his patience and influence. I can cook/bake, but I find it very hard to cook and teach simultaneously, let alone doing those things whilst also making it fun! Prefer to have the kitchen to myself!

He finishes work at around 4.30 a few days a week so he can cook for the family and spend time with me and the kids, he'll go back to the home office after they're in bed to get his hours in.

I can call him slovenly in comparison to me when it comes to the house, or the general parental load like knowing what size shoes everyone has and when sports day is, but lazy is not a word I could associate with him. Neither of us get to sit still that often or have a day off. In the last few months when I was feeling rubbish he'd never hesitate to reorganise work stuff so he could do more school runs etc. The really pivotal things get done. The bits I'm missing is not just the cleaning and organising of stuff, but the sparks and extra bits which used to make me feel like me. It feels strange for me to have little get up and go for the things I used to deem fun (like days out as a family or solo, socialising, upcycling furniture, making our new house into our home).

But thank you for normalising that it's okay to be tired. I've read quite a few forums recently from others who seem to feel exactly the same. I'm hoping as @SunnyUpNorth said (and it really is sunny up north today!) it's all a phase and eventually I'll get my oomph back. I just want to see if I can do something about it now rather than waiting for everyone to grow up as that feels way too far off right now, esp as you say with another one about to join the crew. I've been depressed in the past and know it's easier to avoid slipping into it than it is to drag myself back out if it happens. So want to get ahead of the curve.

OP, just wanted to jump on to say that I also think you are a bit hard on yourself. The other major factor here is that you are in the later stages of pregnancy! I think it’s very normal to feel yourself slowing down a bit and having less energy. I’m sure things will change again in time. Try to be kind to yourself. What would you say to someone else, if it was someone else’s post? I think sometimes it’s easier to be gentler with someone else than with ourselves, especially if you are by nature a very motivated person, which it sounds like you are. Maybe it’s natures way of helping you to slow down and prepare for the next arrival.

There are things around the house that need doing and your husband won't do them unless he's asked. He then grumbles a lot of the time. This is in spite of the fact that you are growing a human and contributing massively to the household. To me, that's lazy.

I don't know where it came from but there seems to be a general attitude that if you're pregnant you should just carry on and do everything you normally do and basically ignore the fact that your body has entirely changed and you are supporting a whole other life. It is normal to be utterly wrecked in the later stages of pregnancy, even without two children to look after and a job. I had my first at 28 and was generally very healthy, no other kids, a fairly easy job and I'll never forget hitting a wall at about 30 weeks, like my body had reached its limit. You are powering another human. That is tiring. Your husband should be taking care of pretty much everything else while you get yourself through each day.

Please go easier on yourself.

Thank you, I think that's fair about expectations in pregnancy. However, this mood transcends the last 6 months, and it's about more than just the house. Perhaps my comments have made it seem like the house was the main factor rather than a piece of a larger picture. It was more that that moment with the nursery triggered me to notice and reflect that a level of apathy has been building in me for years. It was like a wake up moment that I don't really recognise myself and haven't for a while.

I feel like I quit trying with the various things already mentioned (socialising, exploring, crafting as well as housework) because it was easier than being disappointed; but now in hindsight I realise that whilst this managed feelings in the short term, the long term effect seems to be that I've lost my oomph in a whole host of areas. Was trying to be content with less, and I thought I succeeded for a while, but actually it may have gone a little too far.

I don't expect to be achieving/doing the same amount of things I did before children, but I'm a little surprised at how much I've changed, and wanted some ideas on how to address the imbalance. Didn't necessarily mean right this second in the 3rd trimester, or for the new baby stage, but a goal and a plan will help me stop myself slipping into sadness. Some of the comments, additional reading and general self-reflection have already helped. Plus the sun coming out!

This picture offered a nice viewpoint on it. Won't happen in the next week, or maybe not even in the next few years, but it took a lot of tiny moments to get to this stage so I assume it will take a lot of tiny moments to get back. Small steps :)

I have only read the initial post.

I thinknquite simply you have had children and your life has changed. I wouldnt believe anyone that said anything different.

Children and doing lots more cleaning/ chores than you did pre children, while the house being less tidy and clean does take it out of anyone.

Practically if there is spare £££s would it be worth getting a cleaner for a little bit of time just to ease the weekly burden? And for you to have a bit of time to yourself/ a thing- book club, aqua aerobics/ whatever/ husband just taking over once/ twice q week for you to do whatever you want (not cleaning or having a bath).

Good luck!

When nobody care me,that mean lucky for me,i dont need care others' eyes and i can improve myself for my job career!

Your husband may not be lazy in the true sense of the word, but he’s not giving what you need here. Sounds like you need

1 - a cleaner
2 - join some prenatal yoga or something to make friends in your new town also due to be on mat leave
3 - do something fun and age appropriate with the kids before the baby comes. Theatre trip to London? Science museum etc. Go Ape? Bike rides. Stuff that will fill your jug now and be hard to do when the baby comes.
Get some childcare in place so you can go out and do your own thing. On your own.