Husband work financial stress & marriage issues

[Jjandboom]

My husband has had a few businesses - one with a close friend which ended in him being taken for a ride, one with a business partner who again took him for a ride.(he isn’t a good judge of character it seems) Caused us great financial losses overall and a ton of stress and loss of his friendship.My husband is not academic or trained in anything really but he is talented in his engineer background.

I work for myself in a small but busy little job from home. My overheads are small and my profit is good. I work hard and I also look after the house, kids, animals, school runs. all chores food shop the lot.

my issue is he wants to start another business after the huge losses we have had before. One business lost us £30k nearly and it was so stressful. I never want to go back there again. Obviously.
He currently has a job which although he’s being taken advantage of by doing too many hours on an hourly rate (I think he should speak up but this is his problem overall he doesn’t) it’s paying our bills. We are having an extension done which we can afford currently but now he’s said he wants to drop two days a week and go back to doing what he did before. You know when it all went tits up.

ive tried talking to him but he won’t listen and gets angry with me- im just trying to help and make him lost costings and incomings and look at it before another mistake happens again! I know he’s trying to help and make more money but I sincerely fear he is going to get us in a lot of trouble especially when our mortgage is about to increase.

I find myself shutting down emotionally I just feel trapped in his messes, tired from working so much and basically being a single mother , and there is no relationship as he’s working so much currently and also he is emotionless when it comes to me at the moment. I think perhaps depressed about what’s happened in his work life has affected him.

Ive tried to talk to him but he doesn’t listen at all- I’m scared this is all going to go wrong again just when we have sorted it all out.

Honestly tell him he has kids and its staggeringly massively selfish of him to think you will support him again through this and you think it’s probably cheaper to divorce than lose another £30k to his business and emotionally easier as well as you won’t have to support him so let’s talk about what separating looks like, will you ever want to see your kids again or will you be too busy losing money?

Hi OP. A number of years ago I started a very successful business. All was well until the pandemic, during which the business took a massive hit and never recovered. The business going under left us in financial ruin and put a huge strain on my marriage. Our mortgage then went up considerably when the rates went up and we had to put our house up for sale.

Things would likely have been different had the pandemic not hit but I would never ever put us in that position again. In your case, I really do think you’d be justified to put your foot down on this one. If he still wants to start a business then I’d encourage him to try something on the side that requires very little capital and to grow that to a place where he can replace his regular income with it.

It took me a long time to get over my business. It was honestly devastating. The feeling of failure was overwhelming and the realisation of what it had cost us as a family left me with a profound sense of guilt. I suspect your husband is indeed depressed about what happened. I also suspect that he hates his current job and is trying to find a way out but jumping into something new is not the answer. I currently have a regular job and absolutely hate it - the pay is crap and I don’t like not being my own boss but it pays the bills.

If he pushes for this, tries and it fails, it will put a huge strain on your marriage - possibly even end it. If he’s shutting you down then I’d really encourage you to try marriage counselling to talk this through before he does anything. If he refuses then I’d be really clear about what he’s putting at stake.

Sending hugs. I rarely see people taking about the effects of business failure, so know the last few years will have been rough for you all.

No doubt divorce this selfish mam

I would ask him what is his plan is for paying for the extension and increasing mortgage if he is only working 2 days a week and without an established (successful) business.

The only way I would accept this is if he ran a business alongside a full paying job, to see if it is viable. And point out his track record does not fill you with confidence to allow anything else.

I mean does he just expect you to cover everything? I would say No Way to that. It’s not fair. Don’t do it.

if he’s depressed he needs to see GP.

Not helpful but you really don’t sound like you are in a secure enough financial partition to be building an extension.

So you’re allowed your nice ‘little job’ but he isn’t allowed to do what he wants? You both need a shake here!
The reality is, your family needs a certain amount of income to live reasonably well. That income needs to be guaranteed. You and DH also need a certain amount of job satisfaction in order to be happy. Finally, household tasks need to be dealt with equitably. At the moment, you have none of these positions,
So start the conversation around those points.

1. how much money do we need to bring in
2. what sort of jobs would make us reasonably happy (the realistic here)
3. how can we share the domestic workload fairly

Its completely selfish.

He us burdening you with all of the shit work plus the worry about money.

Him not being able to see that, or worse seeing it and not caring is a red flag. I wouldn't be happy at all.

Id suggest he continues full time and starts the business out of hours. He isnt pulling his weight anyway so no change there if hes working evenings and weekends but at least he is still putting his salary in the pot.

I work 5 days a week and evenings too- I work incredibly hard at my work. It has less outgoings than his job- that is all. I have supported him so much previously that I even gave up my work to help him at a previous work of his. I know exactly how much we need to come in to survive- my post is just talking about my worry and trapped feelings- when there are two people involved and children it is not all black and white.

Thankyou- it’s refreshing you realise what I’m talking about. I feel for him so much as I know he’s only trying to do it for our sake but so much has been sacrificed. I have suggested down sizing and moving somewhere cheaper to lighten the load but he really doesn’t want to. I hope you get everything back on track also. It’s so hard isnt it.

Gosh I would struggle with this. He is not thinking about you or your family here, just his own selfish desires. He’s had his go, he failed. Had he given you any reassurance as to why he thinks this time would be different?

You need to get firm here and quickly. He will ruin you all.

I have suggested he does weekends but apparently this doesn’t work for when he needs things open to get things done.

I am really worried. We can afford everything fine right now I just worry if this goes like the previous attempts went it’ll be horrific and I don’t know how much I can take you know?

Everything you have said is right and I’ve said the exact same things to him.

he just keeps saying he needs to take a risk to get gain. 😳😔 he has said this before.
i don’t want to sound unsupportive I am so supportive but I tell you this whole thing has ruined him- our relationship is so non existent as he’s so down and tired.

i know people say just leave. Divorce - but that just isn’t an option for me. But it’s put me in a lonely scarey place now!

Why isn’t divorce an option op? By staying you are enabling him.

Tell him to simply get a job.

Tell him the last time was the last time.

Reg job or it's the end.

Breaking the marriage contract eg divorce is always an option

Tell him his options are to get a job or get a divorce.

Why does everyone have to divorce? I feel on Mumsnet it’s the most easy and thrown out thing out there. I got married for a reason- I don’t want to divorce.

Well, then, stay married to someone who is a poor judge of character and is continually losing large sums of money and friends and causing you untold stress because he keeps starting business because he doesn't want a job?

I agree it is easy for someone like me to say ‘divorce’.

but equally you must recognise that you can change him - only yourself. It’s important to have boundaries in a relationship - he is trampling all over yours, putting you all at risk. It’s not something I could tolerate. What is your line in the sand op?

Sorry, that should say can’t change him, not can!

The posts suggesting divorce is because your husband is reckless, he has two failed businesses behind him, the last one lost you 30 thousand and he is completely ignoring everything you say. He refuses to work round your business as he feels entitled to get you into debt and won’t stop until you’re both homeless

He is ego driven and hell bent on having another business whether you support him or not. Your thoughts and feelings are being completely dismissed but you’re the one who has to pick up the pieces and work all the hours to pay for everything and then he yet again goes gung-ho into another business.

Hi OP, I think this is very good advice, given all you experienced before.

@PlumGiraffe I'd like to ask you, (hope you don't mind me jumping in..) what was it that caused financial ruin. Were you a limited company? Was it that you didn't have the funds to pay for personal outgoings?

My husband is starting a business and I worry about the impact on us, he says it will be fine because it is a limited company. I'd appreciate your insight.

You don't take risks when you have a family to support.
If he can save up enough to pay half the living expenses for a year, plus what starting a new business needs...then he can take a year to try it.
Until then...he needs to keep earning. And pay you back for what you lost.