Any positive stories of life suddenly changing for the better?

[Whatthefuuck]

Anyone fancy sharing any uplifting stories of being in a dark place and life getting better? I’m going through a really tough time at the moment after the brutal breakdown of my marriage. Realistically I know I won’t feel like crap forever but right now it feels endless. I feel like I’ve lost my purpose, my identity, don’t know who I am…

I’m 38 now. Ideally I’d love some stories along the lines of… ‘Was miserable at 38….Met my soulmate at 39, got a promotion at 40, won the lottery at 41, couldn’t be happier’ That type of stuff 😂 I just need to know that life can be good again.

OP, after a dreadful and protracted divorce, followed by a two year relationship that sadly ended, followed shortly by the unexpected death of my DM, I thought my life was practically over. Then (after meeting a few less than sparkling men) I met my now DH - we’ve been together over twenty years.

I split with XH at 38 (separated as he was meant to address his addictions and then work on marriage, but I then found out about OW). Within a month or two of that, my Dad died (my mum had died a couple of years before). I filed for divorce. it’s probably the painful and hardest time of my life. I never felt more scared, alone and sad…not helped by XH turning into (even more of) a monster and me needing to contact police, SS and the Court to get him to sort his shit out.

At 39, I took the kids away camping and doing whatever I could with them (rather than sit and mope about things, or worry that I couldn’t do that stuff as a solo parent). XH tried to come crawling back (I told him where to go). I did more studying, and went up a banding at work. Covid hit. I turned 40. Divorce came through when I was 41. Did more studying, did more fab things with the kids. Progressed more at work.

Now, it’s 7yrs on since all the shit happening. I’ve navigated menopause, sorted HRT, and come out of the fog. I still start to shake if I smell alcohol/spirits on someone’s breath, but I bloody love my life. I’m happily single and it’s a simple life: I’ve got my kids, family, my cats, workmates, friends etc.

Today I went out for a lovely ride on my little motorbike and went to see my mate. We drank coffee in her garden and talked about the cool things we’ll be doing with our campervans (we both have T2s). It’s honestly wonderful.

you’ll get there OP, give it time and look after yourself x

I had a dreadful time at 39 …. My whole life literally fell apart- it was dreadful I had a breakdown developed chronic illness - lost people I never thought I would, I was in a spiral of absolute despair.

i seriously thought about suicide.

The nhs were fabulous.

Anyway I met a very unexpected man and he asked me out for a year …. I accepted having been dared by my psychiatric nurse ( at this point I was anxiety ridden and virtually housebound).

Anyway long story short - my life is completely different now and I’m in a lovely long term relationship, I have just started my dream job and I feel so lucky !!

Thank you so much. Just these 3 stories have given me a boost. I’ve sat all day today crying because I just can’t see the light. It all feels so dark and yet realistically I know it’s up to me to search for the joy and trust that things WILL get better. I just never thought I’d feel such a sense of failure. I’m just clinging onto the whole ‘everything happens for a reason’ and one day I’ll see the why in all of this but right now… urgh it’s so fucking hard.

You'll find that light and joy :) Just give it time while you adjust to this new life and look for it in the simple things. Do you have kids? Mine were young-ish when my marriage imploded (12 and 5). I had to navigate their feelings as well as my own (and ofc sort out a CAO etc). Do you go out to work/WFH? I'd worked at the same Trust (NHS) since I was 18 (different depts as I qualified then re-qualified etc over the years), so that really helped - lots of people around who knew me very well since I was 18 and they were an amazing support. Have you got good friends/family nearby?

When things went down shit creek, I made a promise to myself not to hide away (where possible!) and to accept any invite (daytime invites where I could take the kids - I didn't have anyone to watch them and couldn't leave them with XH) from friends/family. That helped. Touching base with friends I'd not seen in ages was amazing (XH and I shared a lot of mutual friends, and he did a lot to sabotage me seeing them - they don't speak to him now). The house is luckily rented (and just in my name) so DC and I didn't have to move.

For finding a bit of joy...I re-arranged furniture, bought some new bedlinen/throws and made myself do a little bit of regular self care, just small stuff: soak in the bath with my book, treat myself to a nice box of chocs (I'd make it last a long time!), face mask or DIY pedi, fitness video or a session on treadmill or exercise bike. In our free time, DC and I would do a movie night, or a camping night (tent in the garden), or Singstar on the Playstation, or take a picnic for day trips, or we'd pack up and go camping for the weekend. We'd do "fakeaway" nights and either have friends over or it just be us. It was coming into spring when I found out about OW and when my Dad died: I'd get up early, and sit on the doorstep with a coffee and a croissant, just looking at the garden and enjoying the early morning sun. All just simple silly stuff.

Did I cry? Oh god yes. I felt like such a failure too - but then I came to realise that it wasn't my shame and that I'd done all I could in the marriage to make things work. I was so scared and just broken - not helped by losing my wonderful Dad in the midst of it all. But it wasn't my fault that XH had an accident and ended up with his addictions, and I didn't force him to sabotage every bit of support and help I got him over the years. Nor did I force him to fuck around with OW behind my back (who had been a friend of mine), be abusive, gaslight me etc. Do I feel sad these days about how things turned out? Sometimes yes (I'd be lying if I didn't) - no one goes into a marriage without thinking it would last forever (and when I met/married XH, he was a wonderful guy) - but I wouldn't go back to that old life if you paid me.

What are the things you enjoy/love? What hobbies/activities do you like doing (or used to do)? Reach out on here and chat to us if you feel up to it. We'll chat to you and give you a virtual hand hold xx

Thank you for this lovely message. I think the hardest thing is that the marriage breakdown came (for me) totally out of the blue. It happened 15 months ago and overnight everything changed. I miss him terribly and can’t comprehend that our life together is over. For the first year I was a bit on auto pilot and still believed we’d get back together. Since Christmas it’s hit me like a steam train and I feel like every day I’m sinking deeper into this grief of our life and the future I thought we’d have. My children are 6, 7 and 11.
I wfh so barely see another adult which I don’t think is helping. My friends are great but all still married and their time is often taken up.
I don’t know what brings me joy anymore. That’s the problem. I feel like I’ve completely and utterly lost myself. He was my best friend and I feel very lonely.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It must feel like a rug was pulled from under you. You've spent a year hoping things would sort themselves and you'd get back together, so really - although 15months in - you're actually just in the early stages of grief and realising that reconciliation won't happen. Did XH let you believe that there might be a chance? That's awful and frankly cruel if he kept you hanging like that for a year.

It's ok to feel grief about what has happened, and be sad about the future you'd planned. You are where I was 7yrs ago - in terms of what's happened and kids' ages etc. I really get it, and I remember those times. Ok, I had just separated and things were unravelling (into a God awful train wreck), but still, similar places.

When I was in a funk back then, I looked back to the things I loved doing when I was younger (reading, movies, the outdoors, sports, cooking, music/singing, cross-stitch, baths). Of course, there was a lot that was difficult to do because of time constraints (working FT, full time parenting, no one to have the kids etc) but there were small things I could do to make me feel a little more like myself. Maybe look to doing that...

Are there small things that you enjoyed doing, and that you can incorporate into your daily routine? Can you look to the things you used to love doing before you met your XH? I'd belt out songs on the radio/CD/music apps with my kids when we were getting ready for school, or doing the school run. "Special" and "stupid girl" by Garbage, and "Hedonism" and "All I want" (Skunk Anansie) featured heavily in the early days! I used to enjoy singing when I was young (with friends etc) so it was good to do that with the kids (they like singing too).

The WFH must be hard as you don't get too see many people. I see people at work (I'm a nurse), but am often too "peopled out" and knackered to do much out of work. Is there a chance of you joining any local online groups? Not a local group, but I joined "women only, be kind" on FB and that is a wonderful and supportive group for women. I/the kids do a lot of camping so that is why I joined, but it is for all women. I keep in touch with old school mates (and other friends) via FB and WhatsApp (and I find that brilliant).

Are you able to fit a brisk walk into your day time routine where you can FaceTime or chat to someone? Or do a quick fitness video? Does your XH have the kids at all, so that you can join a local group? Mine didn't (needed supervised visitation when the DC were young) so I had to think outside the box for us. On my days off, friends and I will message each other - even about silly mundane things - and that's helpful for us. Or we issue each other challenges or dares around boring crap like housework or chores that need doing....or coming up with ideas for "use it all up" recipes. PMSL, you're going to think I'm so sad!!

Are you happy to tell us a bit about yourself so people here can throw you some ideas to try out? Or even just be there and listen to you? xx

Horrible divorce aged 31. Was happier out of the relationship but thought romantic life was over. Met Dh at 34, had ds at 35 - the joy of my life. That certainly wasn’t the end of the story - life is long and complicated - but there’s the thing; this too shall pass.

Tell me to bugger off, or feel free to ignore...

I'm TicTac, mid 40's, menopausal (I LOVE my HRT!). I'm a mum, a nurse, divorced, and happily single. I have cats. I love my family and friends, books, all types of music, the outdoors, cooking and I live in the SE. My mates are scattered all over UK and overseas (I got to the UK when I was 10): some are single and some in relationships. Family are mainly overseas but a few in the UK.

The older I get, the fewer fucks I have left, and I'm learning to start pleasing myself (as in doing things I'm happy to do) and putting in boundaries - and this is gloriously liberating (particularly to someone like me who would often put others thoughts/wishes/comfort before my own, often to my own detriment). I'm not the life and soul of a party, and I definitely don't live an Insta-type life: things can be up and down (late last year I got in a funk about work/life etc and then gave myself a talking to and have made some plans to try and address the funk). I can't see friends as much as I'd like but we stay in touch online....with occasional meet-ups when we're not all too knackered/peopled out.

Day off work today. My youngest is at school, eldest is still in bed (he worked late last night), so I am sorting out some bits in the house, enjoying the peace and quiet, watching my robovac clean the floors for me, catching up with some old school mates online and getting myself sorted to ride motorbike out to Lidl for a mini shop before my mate gets here late morning for a catch up. I MAY get on treadmill or exercise bike later.

Thank for another lovely message. I really really do appreciate it. Ex DH is a good man and I think (or know actually) that he had a bit of a mental health crisis that lead to him walking away. He never made promises that we’d get back together but I think because we’d had such a (mostly) good marriage, I couldn’t comprehend that we wouldn’t eventually find our way back to each other. It has become clear, especially over the last couple of months, that definitely won’t happen. So now the hope has gone I’m left in this funk. 38, on the brink of divorce, 3 young kids and just… lonely. I yearn for my old life back that felt safe and predictable. I grieve for this future of growing old together. I’ve remained in our family home that we were mid renovating and just feel haunted by him and memories every day…. But I love this house and don’t want to sell up. I’ve just lost my spark. It sounds silly but I’d wanted a new front door for the longest time. Saved up for ages and it got fitted last week. I pulled onto my drive and felt…. Nothing. Old me would have been straight out to buy a wreath for it 😂 I’d have potted up some plants and poured over paint samples to paint it. I literally felt nothing. I know that’s a silly example but it’s like I don’t ever even feel the smallest sparks of joy anymore. I don’t want to eat. I want to sleep all the time. I’m just so bloody sad. And I feel like a massive failure.

You're in the funk because I think the realisation of everything being final has only really hit you recently. You'd clung on to a hope for a long time, and you're 2-3 months in on a realisation that things won't be going back to how they were before. So you're relatively new to navigating this new scary unknown territory. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time. You're not a failure, I promise you that. I beat myself up for ages about my marriage going down the pan (didn't even make 7yrs!), but in the end, I didn't force the ex to drink, take drugs, become abusive (when drunk/high/on a come down/hungover) and then sleep with a friend behind my back.

Honestly, none of it is silly. And it's not surprising that you feel the way you do. Of course you're not going to be feeling like the joys of spring only 2-3 months in (from realisation)! It's a matter of time, and finding a new normal. That first year for me had some great highs but also some desperately sad lows. And all the "firsts" to figure your way through. And like any grief/loss, I think you learn ways round how best to process, accept and live through it. The other year, I saw a guy dressed in a similar outfit to how my Dad would dress, walking in a similar way/gait to my Dad. It was like I saw ghost of my Dad walking towards me. I burst into tears and had to walk off my ward as it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't think the front door is a silly example to give at all! Would it be worth you heading out tomorrow to get some plants and a wreath? Almost like a "fake it til you make it" thing? Or get the kids to pick a potted plant each? x

Deffo fake it til you make it… I would say the year after splitting with exH was tough- and actually we sort of had a grey area for a year where we were separated but like you i thought we’d end up getting back together. When it all came out that we would not, it was like a second devastating blow. What helped (and I don’t know if this will for you as he had MH issues etc so it is very different from my ex who had an OW and had done for 7 months when I found out!) was realising that the man I thought I was married to and with for 11 years wasn’t really actually real. I was able to be honest about the flaws and failings of our marriage. Which made it easier to let go. I appreciate your ex had mental health issues- but he has also walked away from a marriage and 3 kids. So he’s not that much of a “good man”… maybe there are some areas you’ve looked back on with rose tinted specs?

That aside, you actually sound like you could be depressed, when you describe not being able to feel joy in things you used to. Perhaps a visit to your GP and some antidepressants might lift you from the funk- alongside the ideas PP have given six as self care and wee happiness projects and the weather being nicer even…

You WILL survive this. I have a whole new life that I could never have imagined and a husband who adores me. I honestly thought my ex was my soul mate and couldn’t have imagined being happy again.

Box sets of soothing shows (Greys, the Waltons and the simpsons!!) to watch in bed helped me sleep and Iet the kids (5 and 7) have sleepovers in with me often to stave off the loneliness and give them that security. We actually all look back on those nights fondly now they’re adults..

Much love to you @Whatthefuuck and I hope they knowing some random women on mumsnet have your back is a wee help and a chink of light in the darkness. Sunshine is coming.

I got divorced at 36 with my self confidence at rock bottom and doing a job I didn’t love for a low wage. Spent a year being single, redecorating my house, enjoying the peace. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all but met DH and now have a wonderful life, great job, much better salary, lovely supportive relationship and the house of my dreams.
Around 3 years ago a friend confided in me that her husband had left her and she was devastated. She asked to talk to me about it because she saw what happened in my life and considered me a “success story” that she could aim for. Now she has a lovely partner and a new baby, living a great life in a new town. I pointed out to her the other day that she is her own “success story” now!
Wonderful things happen when you are least expecting them 💖

My best friend was very single at 38. Met her future husband at 39. Got pregnant at 40. They were on and off and bit and finally married. They are so happy together with their child.

Thank you SO so much ladies. Felt a bit teary reading those.
You’ve all inspired me to ‘fake it till you make it’ so after kids football this morning I stopped at the shop and bought loads of tulips and mini eggs! Also did a big roast dinner this afternoon. Had sort of being avoiding roast dinners because was totally my husbands domain and most Sundays he’d do a roast and we’d have some wine… was always my favourite day. I’d really started to dread it so today I lit my candles, cooked a roast, had the radio on and dotted my tulips around my house. I do know that brighter days (literally and metaphorically!) are coming and that I will find genuine joy in these things again rather than just going through the motions….. it will just take time. I just want to feel happy again and like to think there’s a big sparkling life ahead of me. Right now that’s hard to imagine though.

That's bloody brilliant!! Well done!! Each of these great things you do, will surely help you (plus it's another thing that YOU have managed to do). I bet the roast was delicious as well.

Sooo you're doing loads: your daily stuff, taking kids to out of school clubs, you've sorted a front door (actually that's something I need to sort - mine is buggering up and needs looking at), and you've managed to cook a roast and grab some treats and beautiful flowers :D Perfect!

Keep chipping away mate, you'll get there, bit by bit, day by day. :) x

How has your week been @Whatthefuuck? I have a day off today. Dentist in an hour and then getting some bits sorted in the house. If weather gets brighter, I'll probably take my bike out for a spin and run errands on that rather than car. I'm back to work tomorrow and Friday. DD has just left for school. Currently I'm surrounded by cats and drinking coffee, enjoying the quiet and listening to the birds singing in the garden. Hope you're having a smooth week so far x

Look out for ‘glimmers’ each day. These are tiny moments of joy - and log it - might be birdsong, pleasure of crunching into an apple, spotting a smile on your child’s face. Over the weeks and months and years you will see more of these.

I am so sorry you are deep in it now - but
you 100% will come through this to wonderful life - ask me how I know - because you have asked this question - it means that you know it’s not ‘if’ - it’s ‘when’.

I am remembering my youngish (62 years old mother) literally on her deathbed with rapid and terminal cancer telling me she loved hearing us (her 7 children) laughing downstairs in her house when she was upstairs ill in bed. That taught me that you can seek, snatch and appreciate spontaneous and tiny moments of joy in the darkest places.

Thanks for checking in. The week was actually ok but yesterday and today have just been awful. Really awful. My children are at their Dads house and I know I should have made some plans to do something but I didn’t and so have just been at home, mostly crying tbh. It feels like everyone has their family time at weekends and when the kids are away I really do feel so alone. I can’t explain it but it’s like I’m constantly ‘homesick’ just wanting to go back to something warm and comfortable. What I wouldn’t give for this to be one of the millions of other Saturday nights I’ve had…. Sat on the sofa with him, pizza, crap tv. Getting footy kit ready for the morning. Looking forward to Sunday roast and wine. I’d go back in a heartbeat. Instead I’m by myself, miserable, self worth through the floor, wondering where it all went so wrong. And truthfully, I’m so lonely. Anyway, I’m sorry I’m in a very self pitying mood clearly. I just want to feel happy again and honestly feel like it will never come.

That sounds really hard. Don't apologise for how you feel. I used to want to hide away when all the shit happened - it was painful seeing happy families when the shit hit the fan with my own marriage...but those feelings passed. When do the kids come back? Can you do stuff to take mind of it? Remember, just small things: find a series to watch (something you've not seen before), maybe an exercise vid to do on an evening. Something small, something for you. Do you guys have NT membership or English Heritage? Can you make yourself a picnic, take a book and just get out to somewhere for a walk about (not right now ofc!)?

One of my friends has an Odeon cinema subscription and takes herself off to see movies. I hide at home with my books and the cats...or play the "TicTac's future best friend" game by doing stuff like batch cooking, fridge sorting and so on, then "treat" myself to a nice soak in the bath with a face mask on. Last night, my son was at his girlfriend's place and my youngest was asleep, so I fixed the boiler (it showed a low pressure warning - I had to google what to do), threw on some laundry and then researched some recipes to try out and some future places to visit in the campervan (once it's fixed).

Currently? Kids are upstairs chilling, I'm chatting with a mate on FB (I know her from school and we're both fervent singletons after having some really tough times with guys). Can you throw out a message to a few friends? x

It’s like I could grin and bear it if I knew for certain that life would be happy again at some point. Right now it feels hopeless.Thats why stories of inspiration help. I’ve spoken to friends today and they’ve been great and listened to me cry and offered advice.

Kids back in the morning and I’ll plaster a smile on and try and make it a nice day

It will take a while for the good feelings to come back, but honestly they do. The faking it til you make it, and finding small things that make you happy are so worth doing. They chip away at the funk and keep you going, without you really realising it and before you know it, you're not faking the happy feelings and you are happy again.

I'm looking back at how I was back then and I definitely wasn't all Stepford Wife happy/smiley/all is perfect in the world, believe me!! But the journey for re-finding myself was a bloody great one with its ups and downs. I find that simple routine and ritual - and getting my kids and myself into a new routine after XH went - always helped me: a box series to watch in the evening, a book to read, catching up with mates on FB (we all have different lives and different work patterns and live in different parts of the UK/the world, so it's perfect to catch up in this way), 30mins on a treadmill or exercise bike (or doing the Jillian Michaels 30day Shred and swearing at the TV!).

Us friends would post up stuff we need to do via Messenger and egg each other on to do them to keep motivation up....or we'd do challenges "together": 30 days of getting rid of an item of tat each day, a 30 day clean your house top to bottom thing, reconfigure 1 room a week, 30 days of using stuff up, do a menu plan with stuff to use up in the kitchen, 30minute brisk walk/jog. We still do this. Sounds stupid/boring/a bit sad, but sod it as it works for me/my friends.

Am I sad that my marriage didn't work out? Yes, of course, but the person I married (when things were great and before the shit happened) is no longer there any more. 7yrs ago, I was your age, marriage down the pan, XH fucked off with my friend (OW)...I felt like a failure/ashamed and felt miserable. My Dad died (my mum had died two years before) and I felt completely alone in the world. What was I going to do about it to make things better for myself (and my DC)? The small stupid stuff, the faking it til I made it, looking at easy things to chip away at. But with doing the small things, I pulled myself out of the funk....as I'm still my own person without the need to be in a marriage or part of a couple, I deserve to be happy and fuck letting my XH have any more control on my life or my feelings.

Keep posting here, keep reading the posts here about women in your/my situation - those posts helped me so much. You are your own person, with a life ahead of you. You're not a lesser person because you're not in a marriage now and you're not a failure. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to find your feet again. Navigate through these weeks with a bunch of MNers watching and cheering you on from the sidelines.

What will you be doing today? I have a ton of food that I need to use up, so will do a bit of batch cooking/menu planning to sort that (we use those freezer meals for school/work and it saves me having to cook each night). I've done myself and DC a quick cooked breakfast/brunch. My eldest has just headed off to work and my youngest has a party this afternoon that I'm taking her to. I need to groom one of my cats (he's a Maine Coon and needs a bit of a hygiene trim as he has an upset stomach). My laundry is all done (phew!), but I might get beds stripped and washed (I draft DC in to help with this). I MAY put in the fire suppressant kit into the engine bay of my VW T2 (depends how cold it is today - I get Raynaud's). I need to plan some stuff to plant for the summer (veg etc). I'm at work tomorrow, so making sure I've got things ready for that (and youngest has stuff ready for school tomorrow). :) Keep going, you'll make it xx

I wish I was 38. You still have the capacity to be gorgeous and successful

Oh and I married my handsome successful and loving husband at 39, in lockdown

Oh and another story: a friend of mine was also married with kids. Her now XH wasn't the nicest (as we all found out afterwards). She started working PT when they were together, he then fucked off and left her/the DC. When they were together, he'd got her to the point where she felt she couldn't do a thing without him as she didn't feel good enough/capable enough. Since he left? She's working FT, doing an amazing job as a mum, got her confidence back to reconnect with friends, start driving, going on holidays with friends and she is going from strength to strength. Her DC are doing great.

And another: another friend was with a guy (long term relationship). He fucked off when she got a cancer diagnosis. We got her through the break up and helped her whilst she was having treatment. Luckily in remission for more than 5yrs. She's doing brilliantly. We club together for walks, meets, doing courses together and general cheering each other on.