What to do?

[somewhatsomething]

Ages ago dd said she was planning a bbq at her house on Easter Monday to celebrate her birthday (her birthday is 5 days before but she’s away with her dh at the weekend) and invited us. We agreed to come.
my dad turns 80 this year, we never usually celebrate his birthday although I do pop round with a card and pressie (it is his first big one since mum died) I suggested a meal out for his birthday which he said maybe.

I looked on calendar and realised dads birthday is Easter Monday, I asked dd about changing date for her bbq she said no as she has invited other people and it’s all arranged.
Dad’s now saying he only wants to go out if it’s on his actual birthday not the day before.
I feel bad as he rarely does anything (his choice) but I also feel like we agreed to attend dds bbq first so would be unfair to cancel.
Dad lives nearly 3 hours from dd so I don’t think both is feasible. Dad does not want to go to dds bbq (he’s not a fan of social occasions generally.) The meal out would be me, dh, dad, Dsis and Dsis dh.
WWYD?

Your dad sounds like a right tricky bugger

I’d be telling your dad that he can either accommodate the change in date… or he’s on his own.

what an unpleasant man.

I think it depends - you did agree to go to your Dads birthday first, and regardless of when her birthday is, that was the day set + plans are made and people are invited.

Why is your Dad set on celebrating his birthday on the actual day? Does he know your DD has planned hers then and is he trying to get you to pick between them?

I mentioned about DDs plans but not sure if he’s remembered. I’d also said to him we could do something on the weeknd before his birthday (had it been a normal Monday everyone would have been working anyway. But he doesn’t have the best memory so may have forgotten

He’s being unreasonable - he won’t go to the BBQ or celebrate on a different day and is making you choose between him and DD

@somewhatsomething that’s a tough one! Do you have a preference of where you’d rather be? Maybe it can be some comfort that whichever you choose, the other won’t be alone - your DD with her friends and family, your DF with his family too?

Your dad's initial reaction when you suggested a meal out for his birthday was "maybe".

Now he's saying "he only wants to go out if it’s on his actual birthday not the day before."

This against a background of "he rarely does anything (his choice)".

Also "Dad does not want to go to dds bbq (he’s not a fan of social occasions generally.)"

He doesn't want to do anything because he prefers it that way.
He'd rather not go out.
Let him do what he wants and do not feel any guilt over this.

It's his choice. I would go along to your DDs BBQ and have a lovely time. You agreed to that before, your dad doesn't want to go out really and he won't be alone on the day.

He sounds throughly unpleasant.

I think we'd leave DD to have her BBQ and do his birthday celebration without her. This is close family, not formal etiquette 101, and I think in your daughter's position I would completely understand and be grateful that you are doing the trip.